The Answer Man
I am Poppy and I offer the best advice you never wanted. Email me a question at poppyadvice[at]gmail.com
Tag Archives: sex
The Ugly Truth
Anna L, from Cocoa Beach, Florida writes: “Dear Answerman, my boyfriend just blurted out that his ex is better in the sack than me, and then he topped it off with, ‘it’s okay because I love you and I never loved her.’ What the hell am I supposed to do with that nugget of shit?!”
Dear Anna, your boyfriend is a hopeless romantic…in the same way that “Gonorrhea” is a great name for a newborn. I see your relationship playing out like this: You stay together, get married, have kids, while he screws everything including dead bodies and knotty pine. Get out before you are carrying his demon seed.
Love,
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog
That Bathroom Question
Walter M. from Dearborn, Michigan asks, “Dear Answerman, I don’t want these sexual deviants dressed as women, pissing in the same bathroom as my daughter and now Obama is saying we got no choice. What should I do?
P.S. I got nothing against gay people, as long as they keep to their own and leave me and my family alone.”
Dear Walter,
I recommend packing up your kinfolk and moving to Zimbabwe. It’s a lovely country, with rampant inflation, wanton corruption, no national currency, high unemployment, but their one bright spot? No transgender bathroom problem…mostly because they behead gay people. I’m sure you’ll feel right at home.
Of course your other choice is to do something simple, like evolve.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog
The Kobayashi Test
Ken T. from San Pedro, California writes, “Dear Answerman, I just started dating this girl, but I got the crabs from her. How do I tell her?”
Dear Ken, this is your version of Captain Kirk’s Kobayashi Maru test. No one has ever found a solution that doesn’t end with her trying to scratch your eyes out, while simultaneously telling you (and everyone on Facebook) that you have a penis the size of a mushroom cap and the sexual endurance of a slug on Xanax.
Solve this and the world is yours.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Tinsel All The Way.
Julia T. from Scarsdale, New York asks, “Dear Answerman, my husband just told me he has a fantasy about wrapping me up in tinsel. I’m afraid if I do this I’ll never be able to look at a Christmas tree the same way. Help me!”
Dear Julia, just to clarify, your husband has a fetish that mixes dominance, bondage and the joyful celebration of Jesus Christ’s birth?!? Never being able to look at a Christmas tree the same way is the least of your problems. Do this and you’ll never be able to look at a Chrismas tree, your husband, or a roll of aluminum foil the same way.
Happy Holidays.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Turtle Neck
Anna V. from Beaumont Texas asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my fiancee isn’t circumcised so his thing looks like an earthworm. I’m not sure I can spend the rest of my life thinking my husband has a worm in his pants. What should I do?”
Dear Anna, would you be writing me if instead of an earthworm his penis reminded you of an anaconda? Exactly. Let me leave you with some advice my mother gave me, “Size is just a number, but love is unquantifiable.” Of course take that with a grain of salt, my mother liked to eat poop and had six litters from random dog park sex.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Face Hair.
Shila M. from Newberg, Pennsylvania asks, “Dear Answerman, I think men with facial hair are disgusting. If guys aren’t going to shave, maybe women should punish them by not shaving too.”
Dear Shila, below is a picture of Debbie. Debbie’s been protesting male facial hair by not shaving since 2006, which is also the last time a male, who wasn’t homeless, had sex with her. What Debbie and you have forgotten is that a “successful protest” gets the masses to demand change, while an “unsuccessful protest” gets you herpes from a guy named Captain Gin Bucket.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
instagram: poppyisadog
Pleasure.
Casandra M. from Austin, Texas asks, “Dear Answerman, I would rather pleasure myself than have sex with my husband. Is that normal?”
Dear Casandra, professionals preach the necessity of freshining up a stale sex life, but “professionals” are oblivious to the damage 20 years of domestic beer, Cinnobuns® and back hair have on sexual magnetism. My call, keep doing what you’re doing and throw the guy a hump every once in a while. If having sex was always supposed to be fun there would be a ride for it at Disneyland.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
instagram: poppyisadog
Bikini
Eunice K, from Arapahoe, Indiana asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, when do I know it’s time to stop wearing a bikini?”
Dear Eunice, I’m no fan of “body shaming”, everyone should make their own call as to when it’s time to hang up the two piece. Having said that, I’ve created this simple three question test for my readers:
1) From a distance, does it look like your ass slipped around to where your crotch is?
2) Do guys with gang tattoos say your c-section scar is “muy caliente”?
3) Have you ever gone to Olive Garden, ordered their “Sausage Stuffed Giant Rigatoni” and had the waiter reply, “Oh snap! Shit just got real up in this bitch.”
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions it’s time to start thinking about a one piece and some Zumba classes.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Feelings
Anthony S. from Buffalo, NY asks, “Dear Answerman, how can I tell the difference between sadness and depression?”
Dear Anthony, “Sadness” is going to Atlantic City, gambling with your rent money, losing and spending your last $45 on a street walker named “Cinnamon Jones”.
“Depression” is finding out that you’ve just handed $45 to a cross-dressing, vice cop named Paul.
The Answer Man 