The Answer Man
I am Poppy and I offer the best advice you never wanted. Email me a question at poppyadvice[at]gmail.com
Tag Archives: comedy
Gift
Trish W. from Bangor, Maine asks, “Dear Poppy, last Christmas I made this beautiful wreath for my sister, but it’s still sitting in her basement unused. I really like it, can I ask for it back?”
Trish, looking at this turd I can imagine why your sister doesn’t want it hanging on her front door. Hot-gluing random objects to a round piece of Styrofoam is not a gift, it’s a sign of what happens when you have access to Klonopin and a box of chardonnay. Asking for it back may be the best gift you could give her.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
No Retreat
Allison W. from Metarie, Louisiana writes: “Dear Answerman, I work for a small company and we’re about to have a retreat. The owner wants everyone to stay at his vacation home and said “drinking games, bathing suits, hot tub, yee-haw!”. The last thing I want is to see my co-workers drunk, in bathing suits, in a hot tub. What should I do?
Dear Allison, I’m trying to figure out if you work at a frat house or your boss based this “retreat” on the un-made Seth Rogan, James Franco buddy movie entitled “My Boss is a Fucking Perv, Yee-Haw!”
Regardless, my advice is to find a good lawyer and bone up on caribbean tax havens, because you just hit the sexual harassment lottery! Don’t forget your camera, juries LOVE pictures and videos.
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Love,
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog
Religulous
Anise R. from Darby, Oklahoma asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my husband is a non-practicing Catholic and I’m an atheist. His mom, the hard-core Catholic, keeps telling me that if I don’t convert, when we have kids they’ll be ‘bastards and damned to hell’. What should I do?”
Dear Anise, religious bigots are like spoiled milk. From a distance they look normal, but up close they stink like Oprah’s ass sweat. It’s time your fiance got a sack and let his mommy know that if she can’t behave she won’t ever get to see her unborn “damned to hell, bastard” grandchildren. She’ll understand, Catholics know all about ex-communication.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog
That Bathroom Question
Walter M. from Dearborn, Michigan asks, “Dear Answerman, I don’t want these sexual deviants dressed as women, pissing in the same bathroom as my daughter and now Obama is saying we got no choice. What should I do?
P.S. I got nothing against gay people, as long as they keep to their own and leave me and my family alone.”
Dear Walter,
I recommend packing up your kinfolk and moving to Zimbabwe. It’s a lovely country, with rampant inflation, wanton corruption, no national currency, high unemployment, but their one bright spot? No transgender bathroom problem…mostly because they behead gay people. I’m sure you’ll feel right at home.
Of course your other choice is to do something simple, like evolve.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog
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