Tag Archives: poop

Artificial

grass toilet

Mandy R. from Summerlin, Nevada asks: “Dear Answerman, we don’t get much rain out here in Nevada so I’m thinking about replacing my grass with artificial turf. Will my dog Kona be okay relieving herself on the fake stuff?”

Dear Mandy, fake grass, or as I like to call it a “yard merkin“, is as senseless as covering yourself in tattoos to prove you’re “butch” (yes, I’m talking to you Justin Bieber).

Will Kona be okay dropping ass biscuits on your yard merkin? Dogs aren’t picky, we’ll shit in your mouth if you lie on the floor. But, will she like it? In the same way you’d prefer having coitus with an electric toothbrush.

Love,

Poppy

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Holiday Cheer

x-mas-tree-e1504904290278.jpg

Tito H. from Orange County, CA writes: “Yo Answerman, I’ve been dating the same bitch for three weeks. I know she got me an X-Box for Christmas, which I fucking want, but I don’t want to buy her shit, ’cause I’m gonna dump her ass. What should I do?”

Dear Tito, the mature move would be to break up and let her return the X-Box. Then she will be free to find her soul mate, a parolee, who breeds hamsters in a broken down Chrysler Mini-van.

But, if you decide to part ways once you get the X-Box, I have written a riddle just for you:

Question: What’s the difference between you and my asshole?                  

Answer:   One is a putrid, shit soaked hole that should never be kissed and the other lies between my ass cheeks.

Love,

Poppy

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Room-mate Hate

roommate

Cissy M. from Cincinnati, Ohio writes, “Dear Poppy, my room-mate adopted a puppy, without asking me, then she lost her job, so she had to move back in with her parents…who don’t want the dog. Now I’m stuck with a dog I never wanted. What should I do?”

Dear Cissy, I hope your roommate wakes up on her wedding day with a herpes sore on her lip the size of an extra large, stuffed crust, pizza. In the meantime, remember that dogs are the greatest gift our lord and savior, Beyonce, has ever granted us. Adopt the dog, unless it’s a labrador, they are dumb as shit.

Please remember to like me here and on Facebook if you love bad advice.

Love,

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Instagram: poppyisadog

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Turtle Neck

Turtle

Anna V. from Beaumont Texas asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my fiancee isn’t circumcised so his thing looks like an earthworm. I’m not sure I can spend the rest of my life thinking my husband has a worm in his pants. What should I do?”

Dear Anna, would you be writing me if instead of an earthworm his penis reminded you of an anaconda? Exactly. Let me leave you with some advice my mother gave me, “Size is just a number, but love is unquantifiable.” Of course take that with a grain of salt, my mother liked to eat poop and had six litters from random dog park sex.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Sexual Healing

dog lick

Daltry M, from Montrose, Colorado asks, “Dear Answerman, I’m pretty sure that my girlfriend is only into me because I satisify her sexually, but honestly it leaves me feeling used and empty. What do you think?”

Dear Daltry, have you ever laughed so hard that a little bit of poop sneaks out of your butt? That just happened when I read your question. If you’re looking for a meaningful relationship get a dog.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Wipe.

Tom Anderson of Cleveland Ohio writes: “Dear Answer Man, why don’t dogs have to wipe their butts?”

Tom, just because you don’t see it happen, doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened. Take a peek under your bed and it’s gonna look like someone dragged a chocolate easter bunny across that discount wall to wall carpeting you just installed (spoiler alert, that’s not chocolate.)

Love Poppy.

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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