jokes | The Answer Man

Jan 22 2020

advice, advice column, comedy, dating, dog, Drink, drunk, family, Friend, Humor, irony, Party, Pet, relationship, relationships, sarcasm, sex

Party Girlz

Amber M. from Peekskill, NY writes, “Yo Answerman. I ain’t afraid to admit it, I like to get my drink on, I like to shake my ass and I like to party, but my bestie doesn’t always get invited to the parties I gets invited to. Now she be upset because I go without her, is it okay if I goes anyways?”

Dear Amber, I can tell you are a classy woman who probably enjoys the finer things in life, like Kirkland brand vodka and bleaching your anus. While I approve of you getting your “drink on”, minus your bestie, always keep in mind the drunken, slurred words of Lindsey Lohan, “A shot of tequila will keep you warm for a few minutes, but a friend will keep you…oh my God, I think I just shit myself.”

Love,

Poppy

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Tagged advice, angry, beer, bitch, dog, Drink, drunk, ego, Friend, friends, funny, happy, humanity, humor, jokes, Party, question, sex, stupid, truth, women

Jan 17 2018

6 Comments

advice, advice column, Humor

Skank’t

Adam B. from Bardstown, Kentucky writes, “Dear Answerman, my mom says sex is better if you love the person, but I’m not sure I believe it. I have great sex with lots of skanks.”

Dear Adam, I’m going to put this in terms you will understand. A McDonald’s Filet O’ Fish may seem like a “great” meal, but it’s really just empty calories and explosive diarrhea, in other words the “skank” of food.

A “great” meal is made with patience and love and care and it’s served by people who don’t wear paper hats. Once you’ve had a truly great meal, you’ll never be able to eat McDonalds again…unless of course you enjoy explosive diarrhea.

Love,

Poppy

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Email: poppyadvice@gmail.com
Facebook: mranswerman Instagram: poppyisadog

Tagged advice, diarrhea, dog, Filet O' Fish, food, friends, funny, humanity, humor, jokes, love, Mcdonalds, parents, question, sex, skank, truth, women, work

Nov 15 2017

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Mine.

Katie H. from Houston, Texas writes, “Dear Poppy, whenever I eat with my best friend she says she’s not that hungry, orders an appetizer, and then proceeds to eat off my plate. How do I tell her to stop without offending her?”

Dear Katie, I once had a similar thing with a mini-pinscher named Argyle and I think you should handle it the same way I did. The next time you are at lunch with her and she starts to eat off your plate, bite her just below her haunches.

Love,

Poppy

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Email: poppyadvice@gmail.com
Facebook: mranswerman Instagram: poppyisadog

Tagged advice, angry, bitch, bite, dog, friends, funny, happy, humanity, humor, idea, jokes, lunch, problem, question, solution, solve, stupid, truth, women

Jan 13 2017

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Artificial

Mandy R. from Summerlin, Nevada asks: “Dear Answerman, we don’t get much rain out here in Nevada so I’m thinking about replacing my grass with artificial turf. Will my dog Kona be okay relieving herself on the fake stuff?”

Dear Mandy, fake grass, or as I like to call it a “yard merkin“, is as senseless as covering yourself in tattoos to prove you’re “butch” (yes, I’m talking to you Justin Bieber).

Will Kona be okay dropping ass biscuits on your yard merkin? Dogs aren’t picky, we’ll shit in your mouth if you lie on the floor. But, will she like it? In the same way you’d prefer having coitus with an electric toothbrush.

Love,

Poppy

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Email: justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Facebook: mranswerman Instagram: poppyisadog

Tagged advice, advice column, angry, ann landers, artificial turf, bitch, butch, coitus, comedy, crap, dear abby, dog, funny, grass, happy, heart, hilarous, humor, idea, jokes, justin, justin bieber, landscape, landscaping, laugh, love, merkin, poop, question, sex, shit, stupid, tattoo, truth, women, work, yard

Dec 27 2016

2 Comments

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Holiday Cheer

Tito H. from Orange County, CA writes: “Yo Answerman, I’ve been dating the same bitch for three weeks. I know she got me an X-Box for Christmas, which I fucking want, but I don’t want to buy her shit, ’cause I’m gonna dump her ass. What should I do?”

Dear Tito, the mature move would be to break up and let her return the X-Box. Then she will be free to find her soul mate, a parolee, who breeds hamsters in a broken down Chrysler Mini-van.

But, if you decide to part ways once you get the X-Box, I have written a riddle just for you:

Question: What’s the difference between you and my asshole?

Answer: One is a putrid, shit soaked hole that should never be kissed and the other lies between my ass cheeks.

Love,

Poppy

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Email: justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog Facebook: mranswerman

Tagged advice, angry, asshole, assholes, bitch, boyfriend, breakup, christmas, date, dating, dog, ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, gift, girlfriend, holiday, humor, jerk, jokes, love, poop, present, relationship, sex, women, x-box

Dec 01 2016

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No Retreat

Allison W. from Metarie, Louisiana writes: “Dear Answerman, I work for a small company and we’re about to have a retreat. The owner wants everyone to stay at his vacation home and said “drinking games, bathing suits, hot tub, yee-haw!”. The last thing I want is to see my co-workers drunk, in bathing suits, in a hot tub. What should I do?

Dear Allison, I’m trying to figure out if you work at a frat house or your boss based this “retreat” on the un-made Seth Rogan, James Franco buddy movie entitled “My Boss is a Fucking Perv, Yee-Haw!”

Regardless, my advice is to find a good lawyer and bone up on caribbean tax havens, because you just hit the sexual harassment lottery! Don’t forget your camera, juries LOVE pictures and videos.

LIKE us here and on Facebook if you love bad advice.

Love,

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog

Tagged advice, advice column, boss, CEO, comedy, dog, drinking games, drunk, frat, funny, funny or die, harrassment, hot tub, humor, james franco, jokes, owner, perv, retreat, seth rogan, sex, truth, work

Nov 28 2016

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[My]Space

Barry M., from Phoenix, Arizona asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my wife’s mother is staying with us, but it doesn’t look like she’s ever leaving! How do I kick her out, without pissing my wife off?”

Dear Barry, you’ve got two options. One, grit your teeth and accept that you’ve got a roommate that smells like Ducolax and bunions. Or two, tell you wife you won’t have sex with her until her mom finds a new place to couch surf. (By the way, that’s just a joke, your wife could give a rat’s ass if you have sex with her).

If it was me, I’d get a motor home, park it in the driveway and start glamping. Good luck.

Please remember to like me here and on Facebook if you love bad advice.

Love,

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog

Tagged advice, angry, dog, funny, help, houseguest, humanity, humor, idea, jokes, mom, mommy, mother in law, parents, question, sarcastic, sex, stupid, truth, women

Nov 23 2016

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Child-Proof

Leslie R., from Potomac, Maryland writes: “Dear Answerman, my 8 year old son walked in on me and my husband having sex. What do I say to him?”

Dear Leslie, I once caught my mother in the middle of a three-way with a one balled schnauzer and poodle mix in a doggie wheelchair, so I understand how sensitive this can be. Tell him, “Daddy was looking for the TV remote, in my vagina.” In my experience, lying is the best solution.

LIKE us here and on Facebook if you love bad advice.

Love,

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog

Tagged advice, dad, dog, embarrassed, friends, funny, funny or die, humanity, humor, idea, jokes, lie, mom, parents, question, sarcastic, sex, stupid, truth, women

Nov 21 2016

2 Comments

advice, advice column, Humor

Room-mate Hate

Cissy M. from Cincinnati, Ohio writes, “Dear Poppy, my room-mate adopted a puppy, without asking me, then she lost her job, so she had to move back in with her parents…who don’t want the dog. Now I’m stuck with a dog I never wanted. What should I do?”

Dear Cissy, I hope your roommate wakes up on her wedding day with a herpes sore on her lip the size of an extra large, stuffed crust, pizza. In the meantime, remember that dogs are the greatest gift our lord and savior, Beyonce, has ever granted us. Adopt the dog, unless it’s a labrador, they are dumb as shit.

Please remember to like me here and on Facebook if you love bad advice.

Love,

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Instagram: poppyisadog

Tagged advice, asshole, assholes, bitch, bride, crap, dark comedy, dark humor, friends, funny, humanity, humor, jerk, jokes, parents, poop, roomie, roommate, sarcastic, selfish, truth, wedding

Dec 04 2014

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The One.

Tabitha M. from Lima, Ohio asks, “Dear Poppy, my boyfriend Todd is perfect. He’s funny, smart and sexy, I think he’s the one, but how can I be 100% sure?”

Tabitha, cheap chardonnay, Prozac and Fifty Shades of Grey were created for women who were “100% sure” they were marrying the “perfect” guy. If you’re looking for 100% sure, always assume the NY Jets will suck and you’ll never be disappointed.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged 100%, advice, advice column, boyfriend, comedy, dark humor, disappoint, dog, dumb, funny, girlfriend, hilarous, Horrible, humor, idiot, jokes, laugh, love, one true love, Perfect, poppy, relationship, sex, stupid, Suck, true love, truth, wife

I am Poppy and I offer the best advice you never wanted. Email me a question at poppyadvice[at]gmail.com

Tag Archives: jokes

Love,

Poppy

LIKE us here and on Facebook if you love advice.

Email: justaskpoppy@icloud.com Facebook: mranswerman Instagram: poppyisadog

Share this:

Adam B. from Bardstown, Kentucky writes, “Dear Answerman, my mom says sex is better if you love the person, but I’m not sure I believe it. I have great sex with lots of skanks.”

Dear Adam, I’m going to put this in terms you will understand. A McDonald’s Filet O’ Fish may seem like a “great” meal, but it’s really just empty calories and explosive diarrhea, in other words the “skank” of food.

A “great” meal is made with patience and love and care and it’s served by people who don’t wear paper hats. Once you’ve had a truly great meal, you’ll never be able to eat McDonalds again…unless of course you enjoy explosive diarrhea.

Love,

Poppy

LIKE us here and on Facebook if you love advice.

Email: poppyadvice@gmail.com Facebook: mranswerman Instagram: poppyisadog

Share this:

Katie H. from Houston, Texas writes, “Dear Poppy, whenever I eat with my best friend she says she’s not that hungry, orders an appetizer, and then proceeds to eat off my plate. How do I tell her to stop without offending her?”

Dear Katie, I once had a similar thing with a mini-pinscher named Argyle and I think you should handle it the same way I did. The next time you are at lunch with her and she starts to eat off your plate, bite her just below her haunches.

Love,

Poppy

LIKE us here and on Facebook if you love advice.

Email: poppyadvice@gmail.com Facebook: mranswerman Instagram: poppyisadog

Share this:

Mandy R. from Summerlin, Nevada asks: “Dear Answerman, we don’t get much rain out here in Nevada so I’m thinking about replacing my grass with artificial turf. Will my dog Kona be okay relieving herself on the fake stuff?”

Dear Mandy, fake grass, or as I like to call it a “yard merkin“, is as senseless as covering yourself in tattoos to prove you’re “butch” (yes, I’m talking to you Justin Bieber).

Will Kona be okay dropping ass biscuits on your yard merkin? Dogs aren’t picky, we’ll shit in your mouth if you lie on the floor. But, will she like it? In the same way you’d prefer having coitus with an electric toothbrush.

Love,

Poppy

LIKE us here and on Facebook if you love advice.

Email: justaskpoppy@icloud.com Facebook: mranswerman Instagram: poppyisadog

Share this:

Tito H. from Orange County, CA writes: “Yo Answerman, I’ve been dating the same bitch for three weeks. I know she got me an X-Box for Christmas, which I fucking want, but I don’t want to buy her shit, ’cause I’m gonna dump her ass. What should I do?”

Dear Tito, the mature move would be to break up and let her return the X-Box. Then she will be free to find her soul mate, a parolee, who breeds hamsters in a broken down Chrysler Mini-van.

But, if you decide to part ways once you get the X-Box, I have written a riddle just for you:

Question: What’s the difference between you and my asshole?

Answer: One is a putrid, shit soaked hole that should never be kissed and the other lies between my ass cheeks.

Love,

Poppy

LIKE us here and on Facebook.

Email: justaskpoppy@icloud.com Instagram: poppyisadog Facebook: mranswerman

Share this:

Dear Allison, I’m trying to figure out if you work at a frat house or your boss based this “retreat” on the un-made Seth Rogan, James Franco buddy movie entitled “My Boss is a Fucking Perv, Yee-Haw!”

Regardless, my advice is to find a good lawyer and bone up on caribbean tax havens, because you just hit the sexual harassment lottery! Don’t forget your camera, juries LOVE pictures and videos.

LIKE us here and on Facebook if you love bad advice.

Love,

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com Instagram: poppyisadog

Share this:

Barry M., from Phoenix, Arizona asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my wife’s mother is staying with us, but it doesn’t look like she’s ever leaving! How do I kick her out, without pissing my wife off?”

If it was me, I’d get a motor home, park it in the driveway and start glamping. Good luck.

Please remember to like me here and on Facebook if you love bad advice.

Love,

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com Instagram: poppyisadog

Share this:

Leslie R., from Potomac, Maryland writes: “Dear Answerman, my 8 year old son walked in on me and my husband having sex. What do I say to him?”

Dear Leslie, I once caught my mother in the middle of a three-way with a one balled schnauzer and poodle mix in a doggie wheelchair, so I understand how sensitive this can be. Tell him, “Daddy was looking for the TV remote, in my vagina.” In my experience, lying is the best solution.

LIKE us here and on Facebook if you love bad advice.

Love,

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com Instagram: poppyisadog

Share this:

Cissy M. from Cincinnati, Ohio writes, “Dear Poppy, my room-mate adopted a puppy, without asking me, then she lost her job, so she had to move back in with her parents…who don’t want the dog. Now I’m stuck with a dog I never wanted. What should I do?”

Please remember to like me here and on Facebook if you love bad advice.

Love,

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Instagram: poppyisadog

Share this:

Tabitha M. from Lima, Ohio asks, “Dear Poppy, my boyfriend Todd is perfect. He’s funny, smart and sexy, I think he’s the one, but how can I be 100% sure?”

Tabitha, cheap chardonnay, Prozac and Fifty Shades of Grey were created for women who were “100% sure” they were marrying the “perfect” guy. If you’re looking for 100% sure, always assume the NY Jets will suck and you’ll never be disappointed.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Email: justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Facebook: mranswerman Instagram: poppyisadog

Email: poppyadvice@gmail.com
Facebook: mranswerman Instagram: poppyisadog

Email: poppyadvice@gmail.com
Facebook: mranswerman Instagram: poppyisadog

Email: justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Facebook: mranswerman Instagram: poppyisadog

Email: justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog Facebook: mranswerman

justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog

justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog

justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog