Tag Archives: creepy

That Bathroom Question

Gender Neutral bathroom sign

Walter M. from Dearborn, Michigan asks, “Dear Answerman, I don’t want these sexual deviants dressed as women, pissing in the same bathroom as my daughter and now Obama is saying we got no choice. What should I do?

P.S. I got nothing against gay people, as long as they keep to their own and leave me and my family alone.”

 

Dear Walter,

I recommend packing up your kinfolk and moving to Zimbabwe. It’s a lovely country, with rampant inflation, wanton corruption, no national currency, high unemployment, but their one bright spot? No transgender bathroom problem…mostly because they behead gay people. I’m sure you’ll feel right at home.

Of course your other choice is to do something simple, like evolve.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog

 

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The Kobayashi Test

kirk

Ken T. from San Pedro, California writes, “Dear Answerman, I just started dating this girl, but I got the crabs from her. How do I tell her?”

Dear Ken, this is your version of Captain Kirk’s Kobayashi Maru test. No one has ever found a solution that doesn’t end with her trying to scratch your eyes out, while simultaneously telling you (and everyone on Facebook) that you have a penis the size of a mushroom cap and the sexual endurance of a slug on Xanax.

Solve this and the world is yours.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Tinsel All The Way.

tinsel

Julia T. from Scarsdale, New York asks, “Dear Answerman, my husband just told me he has a fantasy about wrapping me up in tinsel.  I’m afraid if I do this I’ll never be able to look at a Christmas tree the same way. Help me!”

Dear Julia, just to clarify, your husband has a fetish that mixes dominance, bondage and the joyful celebration of Jesus Christ’s birth?!?  Never being able to look at a Christmas tree the same way is the least of your problems.  Do this and you’ll never be able to look at a Chrismas tree, your husband, or a roll of aluminum foil the same way.

Happy Holidays.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Commitment Phobe

Grill

Jimmy J. from Bronx, NY asks, “Yo Answerman, Shyanne be getting up in my grill about marriage and shit. She threatenin’ to leave my ass if I don’t be giving her a diamond ring. I’m a player yo! Jimmy J, can’t be roped into a commitment! Do I break up with her or just string this bitch along?”

Dear Jimmy J., I have begun a Kickstarter campaign to get you a vasectomy. In the meantime, if you feel the need to spread your seed, masturbate and use a tissue…or in your case, an empty pack of Marlboro Lights. Regarding Shyanne, I’m not sure what she ever saw in you, but please break up with her so she can find her true love…an unemployed, middle school drop-out, doing a 15 to 30 for armed robbery.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Feelings

Feelings Tattoo

Anthony S. from Buffalo, NY asks, “Dear Answerman, how can I tell the difference between sadness and depression?”

Dear Anthony, “Sadness” is going to Atlantic City, gambling with your rent money, losing and spending your last $45 on a street walker named “Cinnamon Jones”.

Depression” is finding out that you’ve just handed $45 to a cross-dressing, vice cop named Paul.

mary-cross-dressing-male-teacher

 I hope this clears up the confusion.

 Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Marathon Man

Runner

Keith R. from Oak Ridge, Tennessee asks, “Dear Answerman, I run a lot of marathons, but the only way I can run fast times is to run behind a woman with a really tight ass and fantasize about her the whole way. Does that make me a pervert?”

Dear Keith, only if you cross the finish line and find out that the tight ass you’ve been chasing for 26 miles belongs to a 16 year old boy.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Stare

Colleen S. from Pine Bluff, Arkansas writes, “Dear Answerman, is staring at other women a ‘guy thing’? My boyfriend does it all the time and says it’s normal.”

Colleen, it depends on how you define, “staring”. If by “staring” you mean a quick glance as someone walks by, then I would say, normal.

If by “staring” you mean this:

enhanced-buzz-25225-1289337654-17

Then I would suggest a quick break up in a public place and a restraining order.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Click the “FOLLOW” link for GOOD LUCK…which in my world means you’ll wake up to find everything is made of bacon and that Garfield cat is living in a garage doing low rent porn.

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