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A Little Pain

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John M. from St. Paul, Minnesota asks, “Dear Poppy, I’m 48, divorced and I’d like to think that that I’m fairly experienced when it comes to sex. A few months ago I started dating a new woman who likes to stick her finger up my butt. I keep telling her I’m not into that, but she keeps saying that I need to relax. What should I do?”

Dear John, while I realize that “assplay” is all the rage with the cool kids, I think some things are better left mysterious…with your turd crib being at the top of that list.

So, I think you’ve got two options:

Option #1: Prior to any foreplay, have an honest and sincere conversation, where you clearly explain that your posterior is off-limits. Then, after she stops laughing at you, inform her that perhaps the two of you should take a break.

Option #2: Surprise her by having a “butt truffle” waiting in the chute. The moment she plucks a cherry from your ass, her prospecting days will be over.

Please write me back, I’m dying to know how this turns out!

Love,

Poppy

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Email: justaskpoppy@icloud.com
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Tagged advice, anal, anal sex, angry, bitch, butt, butt sex, divorce, divorced, dog, friends, funny, girlfriend, humanity, humor, parents, poop, question, sex, stupid, truth, women

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Skank’t

Adam B. from Bardstown, Kentucky writes, “Dear Answerman, my mom says sex is better if you love the person, but I’m not sure I believe it. I have great sex with lots of skanks.”

Dear Adam, I’m going to put this in terms you will understand. A McDonald’s Filet O’ Fish may seem like a “great” meal, but it’s really just empty calories and explosive diarrhea, in other words the “skank” of food.

A “great” meal is made with patience and love and care and it’s served by people who don’t wear paper hats. Once you’ve had a truly great meal, you’ll never be able to eat McDonalds again…unless of course you enjoy explosive diarrhea.

Love,

Poppy

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Email: poppyadvice@gmail.com
Facebook: mranswerman Instagram: poppyisadog

Tagged advice, diarrhea, dog, Filet O' Fish, food, friends, funny, humanity, humor, jokes, love, Mcdonalds, parents, question, sex, skank, truth, women, work

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[My]Space

Barry M., from Phoenix, Arizona asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my wife’s mother is staying with us, but it doesn’t look like she’s ever leaving! How do I kick her out, without pissing my wife off?”

Dear Barry, you’ve got two options. One, grit your teeth and accept that you’ve got a roommate that smells like Ducolax and bunions. Or two, tell you wife you won’t have sex with her until her mom finds a new place to couch surf. (By the way, that’s just a joke, your wife could give a rat’s ass if you have sex with her).

If it was me, I’d get a motor home, park it in the driveway and start glamping. Good luck.

Please remember to like me here and on Facebook if you love bad advice.

Love,

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog

Tagged advice, angry, dog, funny, help, houseguest, humanity, humor, idea, jokes, mom, mommy, mother in law, parents, question, sarcastic, sex, stupid, truth, women

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Child-Proof

Leslie R., from Potomac, Maryland writes: “Dear Answerman, my 8 year old son walked in on me and my husband having sex. What do I say to him?”

Dear Leslie, I once caught my mother in the middle of a three-way with a one balled schnauzer and poodle mix in a doggie wheelchair, so I understand how sensitive this can be. Tell him, “Daddy was looking for the TV remote, in my vagina.” In my experience, lying is the best solution.

LIKE us here and on Facebook if you love bad advice.

Love,

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog

Tagged advice, dad, dog, embarrassed, friends, funny, funny or die, humanity, humor, idea, jokes, lie, mom, parents, question, sarcastic, sex, stupid, truth, women

advice, advice column, Humor

Room-mate Hate

Cissy M. from Cincinnati, Ohio writes, “Dear Poppy, my room-mate adopted a puppy, without asking me, then she lost her job, so she had to move back in with her parents…who don’t want the dog. Now I’m stuck with a dog I never wanted. What should I do?”

Dear Cissy, I hope your roommate wakes up on her wedding day with a herpes sore on her lip the size of an extra large, stuffed crust, pizza. In the meantime, remember that dogs are the greatest gift our lord and savior, Beyonce, has ever granted us. Adopt the dog, unless it’s a labrador, they are dumb as shit.

Please remember to like me here and on Facebook if you love bad advice.

Love,

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Instagram: poppyisadog

Tagged advice, asshole, assholes, bitch, bride, crap, dark comedy, dark humor, friends, funny, humanity, humor, jerk, jokes, parents, poop, roomie, roommate, sarcastic, selfish, truth, wedding

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Hooking

Yvonne K. from Davenport, Iowa asks, “Dear Answerman, I recently graduated college and I’ve been covering my living expenses and college loans by working as an escort. My parents expect me to go to law school, so if they find out they will explode. What should I do?”

Dear Yvonne, prostitution is a noble profession. You’re bringing joy and happiness to lonely men, whose wives are repulsed by them. And, if you think about it, the only difference between you and a lawyer is that lawyers won’t kiss their clients as they fuck them.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, angry, college loan, comedy, dad, dark comedy, dog, dumb, father, funny, happiness, humor, idiot, joy, law school, lawyer, loser, love, parents, penis, poppy, prostitute, prostitution, relationship, sarcastic, sex, stupid, truth, wife

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