John M. from St. Paul, Minnesota asks, “Dear Poppy, I’m 48, divorced and I’d like to think that that I’m fairly experienced when it comes to sex. A few months ago I started dating a new woman who likes to stick her finger up my butt. I keep telling her I’m not into that, but she keeps saying that I need to relax. What should I do?”
Dear John, while I realize that “assplay” is all the rage with the cool kids, I think some things are better left mysterious…with your turd crib being at the top of that list.
So, I think you’ve got two options:
Option #1: Prior to any foreplay, have an honest and sincere conversation, where you clearly explain that your posterior is off-limits. Then, after she stops laughing at you, inform her that perhaps the two of you should take a break.
Option #2: Surprise her by having a “butt truffle” waiting in the chute. The moment she plucks a cherry from your ass, her prospecting days will be over.
Please write me back, I’m dying to know how this turns out!
Eunice K, from Arapahoe, Indiana asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, when do I know it’s time to stop wearing a bikini?”
Dear Eunice, I’m no fan of “body shaming”, everyone should make their own call as to when it’s time to hang up the two piece. Having said that, I’ve created this simple three question test for my readers:
1) From a distance, does it look like your ass slipped around to where your crotch is?
2) Do guys with gang tattoos say your c-section scar is “muy caliente”?
3) Have you ever gone to Olive Garden, ordered their “Sausage Stuffed Giant Rigatoni” and had the waiter reply, “Oh snap! Shit just got real up in this bitch.”
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions it’s time to start thinking about a one piece and some Zumba classes.