Amber M. from Peekskill, NY writes, “Yo Answerman. I ain’t afraid to admit it, I like to get my drink on, I like to shake my ass and I like to party, but my bestie doesn’t always get invited to the parties I gets invited to. Now she be upset because I go without her, is it okay if I goes anyways?”
Dear Amber, I can tell you are a classy woman who probably enjoys the finer things in life, like Kirkland brand vodka and bleaching your anus. While I approve of you getting your “drink on”, minus your bestie, always keep in mind the drunken, slurred words of Lindsey Lohan, “A shot of tequila will keep you warm for a few minutes, but a friend will keep you…oh my God, I think I just shit myself.”
Katrina S. from Alberta, Canada writes, “Dear Poppy, my live-in boyfriend barely works and I’ve been covering all the bills, but when I tell him he needs to chip in, he gets angry. Our relationship is already on the rocks, but this might end it. What should I do?”
Dear Katrina, let me cut to the chase, your boyfriend is using you like an ATM machine he can have sex with (by the way, if an ATM machine would give us money for sex, we’d have to train bank tellers to use the Jaws of Life, to extricate men, like your boyfriend, after they got their junk wedged in the deposit slot.)
My recommendation is; don’t think of it as “dumping” him, think of it as giving yourself a raise.
John M. from St. Paul, Minnesota asks, “Dear Poppy, I’m 48, divorced and I’d like to think that that I’m fairly experienced when it comes to sex. A few months ago I started dating a new woman who likes to stick her finger up my butt. I keep telling her I’m not into that, but she keeps saying that I need to relax. What should I do?”
Dear John, while I realize that “assplay” is all the rage with the cool kids, I think some things are better left mysterious…with your turd crib being at the top of that list.
So, I think you’ve got two options:
Option #1: Prior to any foreplay, have an honest and sincere conversation, where you clearly explain that your posterior is off-limits. Then, after she stops laughing at you, inform her that perhaps the two of you should take a break.
Option #2: Surprise her by having a “butt truffle” waiting in the chute. The moment she plucks a cherry from your ass, her prospecting days will be over.
Please write me back, I’m dying to know how this turns out!
Adam B. from Bardstown, Kentucky writes, “Dear Answerman, my mom says sex is better if you love the person, but I’m not sure I believe it. I have great sex with lots of skanks.”
Dear Adam, I’m going to put this in terms you will understand. A McDonald’s Filet O’ Fish may seem like a “great” meal, but it’s really just empty calories and explosive diarrhea, in other words the “skank” of food.
A “great” meal is made with patience and love and care and it’s served by people who don’t wear paper hats. Once you’ve had a truly great meal, you’ll never be able to eat McDonalds again…unless of course you enjoy explosive diarrhea.
Katie H. from Houston, Texas writes, “Dear Poppy, whenever I eat with my best friend she says she’s not that hungry, orders an appetizer, and then proceeds to eat off my plate. How do I tell her to stop without offending her?”
Dear Katie, I once had a similar thing with a mini-pinscher named Argyle and I think you should handle it the same way I did. The next time you are at lunch with her and she starts to eat off your plate, bite her just below her haunches.
Yvette M. from Los Angeles, California writes, “Dear Answerman, I’m about to get married (it’s both of our second marriages) and my fiancee came home in this car. I thought I knew him, what should I do?
Dear Yvette, this is not a car. This is a flame infused mid-life crisis, that advertises it’s driver has the penis of a Telletubby.
I suggest you be direct with him and say, “I can continue to make believe you satisfy me sexually, but the car has to go.” I’m sure he’ll make the right choice.
Mandy R. from Summerlin, Nevada asks: “Dear Answerman, we don’t get much rain out here in Nevada so I’m thinking about replacing my grass with artificial turf. Will my dog Kona be okay relieving herself on the fake stuff?”
Dear Mandy, fake grass, or as I like to call it a “yard merkin“, is as senseless as covering yourself in tattoos to prove you’re “butch” (yes, I’m talking to you Justin Bieber).
Will Kona be okay dropping ass biscuits on your yard merkin? Dogs aren’t picky, we’ll shit in your mouth if you lie on the floor. But, will she like it? In the same way you’d prefer having coitus with an electric toothbrush.
Tito H. from Orange County, CA writes: “Yo Answerman, I’ve been dating the same bitch for three weeks. I know she got me an X-Box for Christmas, which I fucking want, but I don’t want to buy her shit, ’cause I’m gonna dump her ass. What should I do?”
Dear Tito, the mature move would be to break up and let her return the X-Box. Then she will be free to find her soul mate, a parolee, who breeds hamsters in a broken down Chrysler Mini-van.
But, if you decide to part ways once you get the X-Box, I have written a riddle just for you:
Question: What’s the difference between you and my asshole?
Answer: One is a putrid, shit soaked hole that should never be kissed and the other lies between my ass cheeks.
Barry M., from Phoenix, Arizona asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my wife’s mother is staying with us, but it doesn’t look like she’s ever leaving! How do I kick her out, without pissing my wife off?”
Dear Barry, you’ve got two options. One, grit your teeth and accept that you’ve got a roommate that smells like Ducolax and bunions. Or two, tell you wife you won’t have sex with her until her mom finds a new place to couch surf. (By the way, that’s just a joke, your wife could give a rat’s ass if you have sex with her).
If it was me, I’d get a motor home, park it in the driveway and start glamping. Good luck.
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Leslie R., from Potomac, Maryland writes: “Dear Answerman, my 8 year old son walked in on me and my husband having sex. What do I say to him?”
Dear Leslie, I once caught my mother in the middle of a three-way with a one balled schnauzer and poodle mix in a doggie wheelchair, so I understand how sensitive this can be. Tell him, “Daddy was looking for the TV remote, in my vagina.” In my experience, lying is the best solution.
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