Mine.

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Katie H. from Houston, Texas writes, “Dear Poppy, whenever I eat with my best friend she says she’s not that hungry, orders an appetizer, and then proceeds to eat off my plate. How do I tell her to stop without offending her?”

Dear Katie, I once had a similar thing with a mini-pinscher named Argyle and I think you should handle it the same way I did. The next time you are at lunch with her and she starts to eat off your plate, bite her just below her haunches.

Love,

Poppy

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Hot. Hot. Hot.

Welcome-to-the-Slaughterhouse

Sonya K. from Lincoln, Nebraska writes, “Dear Poppy, I had sex with my step-brother. Now things are weird between us and my mother is wondering what’s going on. I know I shouldn’t have done it, but he’s super hot.”

Dear Sonya, if we go with the analogy, ‘Don’t shit where you sleep” I’m guessing the inside of your bedroom looks like a port-o-potty after an Insane Clown Posse concert.

Trust me, this this will end in a giant, fireball of hurt feelings and damaged relationships. My advice is that the next time you’re tempted to be the world’s simplest booty call, remember this, if the condom breaks you may have to introduce him as your step-brother, baby daddy and baby daddy step-uncle. An introduction like that can wipe the “super hot” off any guy.

Love,

Poppy

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Goat Man

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Kenny R. from Pensacola, Florida writes: “Dear Answerman, my friend admitted he had sex with a goat, but he said, ‘I put it in the vagina, not the ass, because the ass would be gay.’ I’m totally freaked out. What should I do?”

Dear Kenny, I think it’s time you look at your life choices, specifically how you choose your friends. You see, most of us define a “friend” as someone you can trust through the good times and bad, while it seems you define “friend” as any random hobo you meet in a truckstop bathroom selling expired condoms.

But more importantly, please explain to your “friend” that putting your penis in the ass, or the vagina, of a goat does not make you gay OR straight, it makes you a felon.

Love,

Poppy

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Crisis

Yvette M. from Los Angeles, California writes, “Dear Answerman, I’m about to get married (it’s both of our second marriages) and my fiancee came home in this car. I thought I knew him, what should I do?

Side view finished

Dear Yvette, this is not a car. This is a flame infused mid-life crisis, that advertises it’s driver has the penis of a Telletubby.

I suggest you be direct with him and say, “I can continue to make believe you satisfy me sexually, but the car has to go.” I’m sure he’ll make the right choice.

Love,

Poppy

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Love Hurts.

gangsta-weapons-love-tattoo-design

Bob V. from Sarasota, Florida writes, “Dear Answerman, my wife listens in when I’m on the phone and checks my texts and emails. When I tell her to stop being so nosey, she says, ‘I only check because I love you so much.’ What should I do?”

Dear Bob,  I see that instead of a restraining order, you decided to marry your stalker. Considering your situation, I think your first step is to change all your passwords from “I_AM_A_PATHETIC_LITTLE_MAN” to something she may not guess. Then see if your physician can reimplant your spine.

Love,

Poppy

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Artificial

grass toilet

Mandy R. from Summerlin, Nevada asks: “Dear Answerman, we don’t get much rain out here in Nevada so I’m thinking about replacing my grass with artificial turf. Will my dog Kona be okay relieving herself on the fake stuff?”

Dear Mandy, fake grass, or as I like to call it a “yard merkin“, is as senseless as covering yourself in tattoos to prove you’re “butch” (yes, I’m talking to you Justin Bieber).

Will Kona be okay dropping ass biscuits on your yard merkin? Dogs aren’t picky, we’ll shit in your mouth if you lie on the floor. But, will she like it? In the same way you’d prefer having coitus with an electric toothbrush.

Love,

Poppy

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RESOLUTION

cheetos

Stella T. from Arlington, Texas writes: “Dear Poppy, my husband said I should make a New Year’s resolution to lose weight because ‘it’s hard to get it with a fat chick’.  I know I need to lose weight…but this really hurt. What should I do?”

Dear Stella, it’s apparent your husband was educated at the “Donald Trump School of Etiquette”.  Regardless,  I always advise to respond with honesty and grace. Try this:

“I can lose the weight, but can you grow a bigger dick? It’s hard to ‘get it‘ with that Cheeto you call a penis.”

Love,

Poppy

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Holiday Cheer

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Tito H. from Orange County, CA writes: “Yo Answerman, I’ve been dating the same bitch for three weeks. I know she got me an X-Box for Christmas, which I fucking want, but I don’t want to buy her shit, ’cause I’m gonna dump her ass. What should I do?”

Dear Tito, the mature move would be to break up and let her return the X-Box. Then she will be free to find her soul mate, a parolee, who breeds hamsters in a broken down Chrysler Mini-van.

But, if you decide to part ways once you get the X-Box, I have written a riddle just for you:

Question: What’s the difference between you and my asshole?                  

Answer:   One is a putrid, shit soaked hole that should never be kissed and the other lies between my ass cheeks.

Love,

Poppy

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Gift

ticky tacky vintage wreath (1)

Trish W. from Bangor, Maine asks, “Dear Poppy, last Christmas I made this beautiful wreath for my sister, but it’s still sitting in her basement unused. I really like it, can I ask for it back?”

Trish, looking at this turd I can imagine why your sister doesn’t want it hanging on her front door. Hot-gluing random objects to a round piece of Styrofoam is not a gift, it’s a sign of what happens when you have access to Klonopin and a box of chardonnay. Asking for it back may be the best gift you could give her.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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No Retreat

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Allison W. from Metarie, Louisiana writes: “Dear Answerman, I work for a small company and we’re about to have a retreat. The owner wants everyone to stay at his vacation home and said “drinking games, bathing suits, hot tub, yee-haw!”. The last thing I want is to see my co-workers drunk, in bathing suits, in a hot tub. What should I do?

Dear Allison,  I’m trying to figure out if you work at a frat house or your boss based this “retreat” on the un-made Seth Rogan, James Franco buddy movie entitled “My Boss is a Fucking Perv, Yee-Haw!”

Regardless, my advice is to find a good lawyer and bone up on caribbean tax havens, because you just hit the sexual harassment lottery! Don’t forget your camera, juries LOVE pictures and videos.

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Love,

Poppy

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