The Answer Man
I am Poppy and I offer the best advice you never wanted. Email me a question at poppyadvice[at]gmail.com
Tag Archives: break-up
Turtle Neck
Anna V. from Beaumont Texas asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my fiancee isn’t circumcised so his thing looks like an earthworm. I’m not sure I can spend the rest of my life thinking my husband has a worm in his pants. What should I do?”
Dear Anna, would you be writing me if instead of an earthworm his penis reminded you of an anaconda? Exactly. Let me leave you with some advice my mother gave me, “Size is just a number, but love is unquantifiable.” Of course take that with a grain of salt, my mother liked to eat poop and had six litters from random dog park sex.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Pleasure.
Casandra M. from Austin, Texas asks, “Dear Answerman, I would rather pleasure myself than have sex with my husband. Is that normal?”
Dear Casandra, professionals preach the necessity of freshining up a stale sex life, but “professionals” are oblivious to the damage 20 years of domestic beer, Cinnobuns® and back hair have on sexual magnetism. My call, keep doing what you’re doing and throw the guy a hump every once in a while. If having sex was always supposed to be fun there would be a ride for it at Disneyland.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
instagram: poppyisadog
Beauty
Carissa M, from Prescott, Arizona asks, “Dear Answerman, my friends say that I should break up with my boyfriend because he isn’t hot enough for me. I think they’re right, but he’s such a nice guy. What should I do?”
Dear Carissa, “hotness” is a hard thing to quantify, but luckily, being shallow is not. Please break up with him, it’ll be nicest thing you’ve done for another person, since the night you blew that cab driver because you were out of cash.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Call
Arlene from Beaumont, Texas asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my boyfriend tells me he cares about me, but I only see him when he comes by my apartment late at night. My friends say I’m a “booty call”. What do you think?”
Dear Arelene, if he leaves an envelope with cash on your bed-side table, I would say you’re a “hooker”. If he just leaves, then I’d go with “booty call”.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Hard Choice
Kerrie W. from Hartford CT. asks, “Mr. Answerman, this is my boyfriend, Dave, and his dog. I love Dave and he loves me but I hate his dog and I’m pretty sure his dog hates me. Do this relationship have a future?
Dear Kerrie, let me break this down for you in a way that’s simple to understand:
Girlfriend Dog
Moody and unpredictable Always happy to see you.
Demands your undivided attention Always happy to see you.
Expects a lifelong commitment Always happy to see you.
Start working on that eHarmony page, you just got replaced by an animal that licks it’s own ball sack.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
The Answer Man 