Tag Archives: break-up

Commitment Phobe


Jimmy J. from Bronx, NY asks, “Yo Answerman, Shyanne be getting up in my grill about marriage and shit. She threatenin’ to leave my ass if I don’t be giving her a diamond ring. I’m a player yo! Jimmy J, can’t be roped into a commitment! Do I break up with her or just string this bitch along?”

Dear Jimmy J., I have begun a Kickstarter campaign to get you a vasectomy. In the meantime, if you feel the need to spread your seed, masturbate and use a tissue…or in your case, an empty pack of Marlboro Lights. Regarding Shyanne, I’m not sure what she ever saw in you, but please break up with her so she can find her true love…an unemployed, middle school drop-out, doing a 15 to 30 for armed robbery.




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Turtle Neck


Anna V. from Beaumont Texas asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my fiancee isn’t circumcised so his thing looks like an earthworm. I’m not sure I can spend the rest of my life thinking my husband has a worm in his pants. What should I do?”

Dear Anna, would you be writing me if instead of an earthworm his penis reminded you of an anaconda? Exactly. Let me leave you with some advice my mother gave me, “Size is just a number, but love is unquantifiable.” Of course take that with a grain of salt, my mother liked to eat poop and had six litters from random dog park sex.




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Casandra M. from Austin, Texas asks, “Dear Answerman, I would rather pleasure myself than have sex with my husband. Is that normal?”

Dear Casandra, professionals preach the necessity of freshining up a stale sex life, but “professionals” are oblivious to the damage 20 years of domestic beer, Cinnobuns® and back hair have on sexual magnetism. My call, keep doing what you’re doing and throw the guy a hump every once in a while.  If having sex was always supposed to be fun there would be a ride for it at Disneyland.




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lipstick on dog

Carissa M, from Prescott, Arizona asks, “Dear Answerman, my friends say that I should break up with my boyfriend because he isn’t hot enough for me. I think they’re right, but he’s such a nice guy. What should I do?”

Dear Carissa, “hotness” is a hard thing to quantify, but luckily, being shallow is not. Please break up with him, it’ll be nicest thing you’ve done for another person, since the night you blew that cab driver because you were out of cash.




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Arlene from Beaumont, Texas asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my boyfriend tells me he cares about me, but I only see him when he comes by my apartment late at night. My friends say I’m a “booty call”. What do you think?”

Dear Arelene, if he leaves an envelope with cash on your bed-side table, I would say you’re a “hooker”. If he just leaves, then I’d go with “booty call”.




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Hard Choice

Kerrie W. from Hartford CT. asks, “Mr. Answerman, this is my boyfriend, Dave, and his dog.  I love Dave and he loves me but I hate his dog and I’m pretty sure his dog hates me. Do this relationship have a future?


Dear Kerrie, let me break this down for you in a way that’s simple to understand:

Girlfriend                                                                       Dog

Moody and unpredictable                                          Always happy to see you.

Demands your undivided attention                           Always happy to see you.

Expects a lifelong commitment                                 Always happy to see you.

Start working on that eHarmony page, you just got replaced by an animal that licks it’s own ball sack.





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Stacy K. from North Hollywood, California asks, “Poppy, my fiancee has each of his ex-wife’s names tattooed on his arms and he won’t get rid of them (there are two ex-wives). What should I do?”

Stacy, it’s not very often that you come across a man who hasn’t grasped the concept that marriage is temporary, but tattoos are forever…twice. If I were you I’d be happy that he wasn’t tattooed with the names of the people he infected with herpes. Good luck, looks like you’ve found yourself a keeper.




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Girlfriend Problem.

Pete E. from Ann Arbor, Michigan asks: “My girlfriend is cheating on me, what should I do?”

Pete, did you really ask, “what should I do?”

Here’s an idea, hit one of those websites dedicated to women looking for men who have “mommy” issues.  Good luck, I’m sure you’ll have no trouble finding someone to escort you to Cher concerts.




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Mother’s Pressure

Sharie Z from Wilmington, Deleware asks, “Poppy, my mother said I should be looking for a husband in college, but I think I should be playing the field. What do you think?”

Shari, definetly make a promise that you’ll have sex with the same man, for the rest of your life, by age 21. I’m not sure if you know this, but your mother is an idiot.




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