punishment | The Answer Man

Jun 30 2016

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advice, advice column, Humor

Religulous

Anise R. from Darby, Oklahoma asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my husband is a non-practicing Catholic and I’m an atheist. His mom, the hard-core Catholic, keeps telling me that if I don’t convert, when we have kids they’ll be ‘bastards and damned to hell’. What should I do?”

Dear Anise, religious bigots are like spoiled milk. From a distance they look normal, but up close they stink like Oprah’s ass sweat. It’s time your fiance got a sack and let his mommy know that if she can’t behave she won’t ever get to see her unborn “damned to hell, bastard” grandchildren. She’ll understand, Catholics know all about ex-communication.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog

Tagged advice, advice column, argue, balls, bastard, bigot, boyfriend, Catholic, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, fiancee, funny, humor, husband, idiot, laugh, loser, love, mother in law, poppy, punishment, relationship, religion, religious, stupid, truth, wedding, wife

Jan 26 2016

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advice, advice column, Humor

The Kobayashi Test

Ken T. from San Pedro, California writes, “Dear Answerman, I just started dating this girl, but I got the crabs from her. How do I tell her?”

Dear Ken, this is your version of Captain Kirk’s Kobayashi Maru test. No one has ever found a solution that doesn’t end with her trying to scratch your eyes out, while simultaneously telling you (and everyone on Facebook) that you have a penis the size of a mushroom cap and the sexual endurance of a slug on Xanax.

Solve this and the world is yours.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice column, boyfriend, Captain Kirk, comedy, crabs, creepy, dark comedy, dark humor, dumb, funny, girlfriend, help, humor, idiot, Kobayashi Maru, laugh, loser, love, penis, poppy, problem, punishment, relationship, sarcastic, sex, small penis, solution, Star Trek, STD, stupid, truth

Dec 27 2015

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advice, advice column, Humor

Tinsel All The Way.

Julia T. from Scarsdale, New York asks, “Dear Answerman, my husband just told me he has a fantasy about wrapping me up in tinsel. I’m afraid if I do this I’ll never be able to look at a Christmas tree the same way. Help me!”

Dear Julia, just to clarify, your husband has a fetish that mixes dominance, bondage and the joyful celebration of Jesus Christ’s birth?!? Never being able to look at a Christmas tree the same way is the least of your problems. Do this and you’ll never be able to look at a Chrismas tree, your husband, or a roll of aluminum foil the same way.

Happy Holidays.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, christmas, christmas fetish, christmas tree, comedy, creepy, dad, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, father, fetish, funny, humor, idiot, kinky, laugh, loser, love, odd fetish, penis, poppy, present, punishment, relationship, S&M, sarcastic, sex, stupid, stupid fetish, tie-up, tinsel, truth, weird fetish, wife, wrap, wrap-up

Nov 05 2015

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advice, advice column, Humor

Commitment Phobe

Jimmy J. from Bronx, NY asks, “Yo Answerman, Shyanne be getting up in my grill about marriage and shit. She threatenin’ to leave my ass if I don’t be giving her a diamond ring. I’m a player yo! Jimmy J, can’t be roped into a commitment! Do I break up with her or just string this bitch along?”

Dear Jimmy J., I have begun a Kickstarter campaign to get you a vasectomy. In the meantime, if you feel the need to spread your seed, masturbate and use a tissue…or in your case, an empty pack of Marlboro Lights. Regarding Shyanne, I’m not sure what she ever saw in you, but please break up with her so she can find her true love…an unemployed, middle school drop-out, doing a 15 to 30 for armed robbery.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, ass, boyfriend, break-up, comedy, commitment, commitment-phobic, creepy, dark comedy, dark humor, diamond, diamond ring, dog, dumb, fiancee, funny, girlfriend, humor, idiot, kickstarter, laugh, loser, love, marlboro, marlboro lights, marry, masturbate, penis, player, poppy, prison, punishment, relationship, sarcastic, small penis, stupid, truth, unemployed, vasectomy, wife

Aug 12 2015

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advice, advice column, Humor

Face Hair.

Shila M. from Newberg, Pennsylvania asks, “Dear Answerman, I think men with facial hair are disgusting. If guys aren’t going to shave, maybe women should punish them by not shaving too.”

Dear Shila, below is a picture of Debbie. Debbie’s been protesting male facial hair by not shaving since 2006, which is also the last time a male, who wasn’t homeless, had sex with her. What Debbie and you have forgotten is that a “successful protest” gets the masses to demand change, while an “unsuccessful protest” gets you herpes from a guy named Captain Gin Bucket.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

instagram: poppyisadog

Tagged advice, advice column, back hair, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, facial hair, girlfriend, hair, hairy, hairy women, humor, idiot, ladies, laugh, leg hair, loser, penis, protest, punish, punishment, relationship, sarcastic, sex, stupid, truth, women

Jun 07 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Spanked

Emma W. from Sparks, Nevada writes: “Dear Answerman, my daughter won’t spank my 9 year old grandson and he’s turning into a brat. Is it okay for me to spank him when he stays over?”

Dear Emma, only if you level the playing field by giving him a 30 second running head start and a taser gun.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, coporal punishment, dark comedy, dark humor, daughter, dog, dumb, funny, grandmother, grandson, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, poppy, punish, punishment, sarcastic, spank, stupid, taser gun, wife

The Answer Man

I am Poppy and I offer the best advice you never wanted. Email me a question at poppyadvice[at]gmail.com

Tag Archives: punishment

Religulous

Anise R. from Darby, Oklahoma asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my husband is a non-practicing Catholic and I’m an atheist. His mom, the hard-core Catholic, keeps telling me that if I don’t convert, when we have kids they’ll be ‘bastards and damned to hell’. What should I do?”

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog

The Kobayashi Test

Ken T. from San Pedro, California writes, “Dear Answerman, I just started dating this girl, but I got the crabs from her. How do I tell her?”

Solve this and the world is yours.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tinsel All The Way.

Julia T. from Scarsdale, New York asks, “Dear Answerman, my husband just told me he has a fantasy about wrapping me up in tinsel. I’m afraid if I do this I’ll never be able to look at a Christmas tree the same way. Help me!”

Happy Holidays.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Commitment Phobe

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Face Hair.

Shila M. from Newberg, Pennsylvania asks, “Dear Answerman, I think men with facial hair are disgusting. If guys aren’t going to shave, maybe women should punish them by not shaving too.”

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

instagram: poppyisadog

Spanked

Emma W. from Sparks, Nevada writes: “Dear Answerman, my daughter won’t spank my 9 year old grandson and he’s turning into a brat. Is it okay for me to spank him when he stays over?”

Dear Emma, only if you level the playing field by giving him a 30 second running head start and a taser gun.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

The Answer Man

I am Poppy and I offer the best advice you never wanted. Email me a question at poppyadvice[at]gmail.com

Tag Archives: punishment

Religulous

Anise R. from Darby, Oklahoma asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my husband is a non-practicing Catholic and I’m an atheist. His mom, the hard-core Catholic, keeps telling me that if I don’t convert, when we have kids they’ll be ‘bastards and damned to hell’. What should I do?”

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com Instagram: poppyisadog

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The Kobayashi Test

Ken T. from San Pedro, California writes, “Dear Answerman, I just started dating this girl, but I got the crabs from her. How do I tell her?”

Solve this and the world is yours.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Like this:

Tinsel All The Way.

Julia T. from Scarsdale, New York asks, “Dear Answerman, my husband just told me he has a fantasy about wrapping me up in tinsel. I’m afraid if I do this I’ll never be able to look at a Christmas tree the same way. Help me!”

Happy Holidays.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Like this:

Commitment Phobe

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Like this:

Face Hair.

Shila M. from Newberg, Pennsylvania asks, “Dear Answerman, I think men with facial hair are disgusting. If guys aren’t going to shave, maybe women should punish them by not shaving too.”

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

instagram: poppyisadog

Share this:

Like this:

Spanked

Emma W. from Sparks, Nevada writes: “Dear Answerman, my daughter won’t spank my 9 year old grandson and he’s turning into a brat. Is it okay for me to spank him when he stays over?”

Dear Emma, only if you level the playing field by giving him a 30 second running head start and a taser gun.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Like this:

justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog