Anna V. from Beaumont Texas asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my fiancee isn’t circumcised so his thing looks like an earthworm. I’m not sure I can spend the rest of my life thinking my husband has a worm in his pants. What should I do?”
Dear Anna, would you be writing me if instead of an earthworm his penis reminded you of an anaconda? Exactly. Let me leave you with some advice my mother gave me, “Size is just a number, but love is unquantifiable.” Of course take that with a grain of salt, my mother liked to eat poop and had six litters from random dog park sex.
Daltry M, from Montrose, Colorado asks, “Dear Answerman, I’m pretty sure that my girlfriend is only into me because I satisify her sexually, but honestly it leaves me feeling used and empty. What do you think?”
Dear Daltry, have you ever laughed so hard that a little bit of poop sneaks out of your butt? That just happened when I read your question. If you’re looking for a meaningful relationship get a dog.
I wanted to take a break from offering advice and give a shout-out to the unsung inventions that make life, livable.
1) The Porto Potty Urinal.
Men are animals. They will pee on/in anything (including, but not limited to, glove compartments, refrigerator crisper drawers and unsuspecting hookers). Men are why the Porto Potty Urinal needed to be invented and is irrefutable proof that God, is a woman.
2) Air conditioning.
Huntsville Alabama, August 1924. Men wearing wool suits and hats. Women in granny panties. Oppressive humidity. No air conditioning. Unless you’re turned on by the smell of fried onions, I don’t know how people got past each other’s body odor long enough to procreate.
3) Frosty Paws by Purina.
Peanut butter flavored ice cream doesn’t make up for castrating the one living thing that is actually happy to see you…but it’s a beginning.