Katrina S. from Alberta, Canada writes, “Dear Poppy, my live-in boyfriend barely works and I’ve been covering all the bills, but when I tell him he needs to chip in, he gets angry. Our relationship is already on the rocks, but this might end it. What should I do?”
Dear Katrina, let me cut to the chase, your boyfriend is using you like an ATM machine he can have sex with (by the way, if an ATM machine would give us money for sex, we’d have to train bank tellers to use the Jaws of Life, to extricate men, like your boyfriend, after they got their junk wedged in the deposit slot.)
My recommendation is; don’t think of it as “dumping” him, think of it as giving yourself a raise.
Tito H. from Orange County, CA writes: “Yo Answerman, I’ve been dating the same bitch for three weeks. I know she got me an X-Box for Christmas, which I fucking want, but I don’t want to buy her shit, ’cause I’m gonna dump her ass. What should I do?”
Dear Tito, the mature move would be to break up and let her return the X-Box. Then she will be free to find her soul mate, a parolee, who breeds hamsters in a broken down Chrysler Mini-van.
But, if you decide to part ways once you get the X-Box, I have written a riddle just for you:
Question: What’s the difference between you and my asshole?
Answer: One is a putrid, shit soaked hole that should never be kissed and the other lies between my ass cheeks.
Anise R. from Darby, Oklahoma asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my husband is a non-practicing Catholic and I’m an atheist. His mom, the hard-core Catholic, keeps telling me that if I don’t convert, when we have kids they’ll be ‘bastards and damned to hell’. What should I do?”
Dear Anise, religious bigots are like spoiled milk. From a distance they look normal, but up close they stink like Oprah’s ass sweat. It’s time your fiance got a sack and let his mommy know that if she can’t behave she won’t ever get to see her unborn “damned to hell, bastard” grandchildren. She’ll understand, Catholics know all about ex-communication.
Ken T. from San Pedro, California writes, “Dear Answerman, I just started dating this girl, but I got the crabs from her. How do I tell her?”
Dear Ken, this is your version of Captain Kirk’s Kobayashi Maru test. No one has ever found a solution that doesn’t end with her trying to scratch your eyes out, while simultaneously telling you (and everyone on Facebook) that you have a penis the size of a mushroom cap and the sexual endurance of a slug on Xanax.
Jimmy J. from Bronx, NY asks, “Yo Answerman, Shyanne be getting up in my grill about marriage and shit. She threatenin’ to leave my ass if I don’t be giving her a diamond ring. I’m a player yo! Jimmy J, can’t be roped into a commitment! Do I break up with her or just string this bitch along?”
Dear Jimmy J., I have begun a Kickstarter campaign to get you a vasectomy. In the meantime, if you feel the need to spread your seed, masturbate and use a tissue…or in your case, an empty pack of Marlboro Lights. Regarding Shyanne, I’m not sure what she ever saw in you, but please break up with her so she can find her true love…an unemployed, middle school drop-out, doing a 15 to 30 for armed robbery.
Anna V. from Beaumont Texas asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my fiancee isn’t circumcised so his thing looks like an earthworm. I’m not sure I can spend the rest of my life thinking my husband has a worm in his pants. What should I do?”
Dear Anna, would you be writing me if instead of an earthworm his penis reminded you of an anaconda? Exactly. Let me leave you with some advice my mother gave me, “Size is just a number, but love is unquantifiable.” Of course take that with a grain of salt, my mother liked to eat poop and had six litters from random dog park sex.
Maya B, from Provo, Utah, asks, “Dear Answerman, I’ve never had an orgasm with my fiancée, but he said “it’s not important because we love each other.” What do you think?”
Dear Maya, imagine your sex life as running a 100 yard dash, with your fiancé on your back, and at about the 90 yard mark he jumps off, declares the race over and himself the winner…then he takes a victory lap followed by a long nap. If that sounds like “love”, congrats, you’ve found your Prince Charming.
Carissa M, from Prescott, Arizona asks, “Dear Answerman, my friends say that I should break up with my boyfriend because he isn’t hot enough for me. I think they’re right, but he’s such a nice guy. What should I do?”
Dear Carissa, “hotness” is a hard thing to quantify, but luckily, being shallow is not. Please break up with him, it’ll be nicest thing you’ve done for another person, since the night you blew that cab driver because you were out of cash.
Tabitha M. from Lima, Ohio asks, “Dear Poppy, my boyfriend Todd is perfect. He’s funny, smart and sexy, I think he’s the one, but how can I be 100% sure?”
Tabitha, cheap chardonnay, Prozac and Fifty Shades of Grey were created for women who were “100% sure” they were marrying the “perfect” guy. If you’re looking for 100% sure, always assume the NY Jets will suck and you’ll never be disappointed.
Ronnie Z. from Farmington, New Mexico asks, “Dear Answerman, how important is penis size?”
Dear Ronnie, The importance of penis size is something I’m asked quite often. Women lie, men are confused, unjustices happen. To end this controversy once and for all, I’ve put together this easy to understand graph that explains it in layman’s terms.