Tag Archives: happy

Mine.

8-bully-babies

Katie H. from Houston, Texas writes, “Dear Poppy, whenever I eat with my best friend she says she’s not that hungry, orders an appetizer, and then proceeds to eat off my plate. How do I tell her to stop without offending her?”

Dear Katie, I once had a similar thing with a mini-pinscher named Argyle and I think you should handle it the same way I did. The next time you are at lunch with her and she starts to eat off your plate, bite her just below her haunches.

Love,

Poppy

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Crisis

Yvette M. from Los Angeles, California writes, “Dear Answerman, I’m about to get married (it’s both of our second marriages) and my fiancee came home in this car. I thought I knew him, what should I do?

Side view finished

Dear Yvette, this is not a car. This is a flame infused mid-life crisis, that advertises it’s driver has the penis of a Telletubby.

I suggest you be direct with him and say, “I can continue to make believe you satisfy me sexually, but the car has to go.” I’m sure he’ll make the right choice.

Love,

Poppy

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Artificial

grass toilet

Mandy R. from Summerlin, Nevada asks: “Dear Answerman, we don’t get much rain out here in Nevada so I’m thinking about replacing my grass with artificial turf. Will my dog Kona be okay relieving herself on the fake stuff?”

Dear Mandy, fake grass, or as I like to call it a “yard merkin“, is as senseless as covering yourself in tattoos to prove you’re “butch” (yes, I’m talking to you Justin Bieber).

Will Kona be okay dropping ass biscuits on your yard merkin? Dogs aren’t picky, we’ll shit in your mouth if you lie on the floor. But, will she like it? In the same way you’d prefer having coitus with an electric toothbrush.

Love,

Poppy

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Email: justaskpoppy@icloud.com
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The Ugly Truth

angry-woman-shouting-at-man

Anna L, from Cocoa Beach, Florida writes: “Dear Answerman, my boyfriend just blurted out that his ex is better in the sack than me, and then he topped it off with, ‘it’s okay because I love you and I never loved her.’ What the hell am I supposed to do with that nugget of shit?!”

Dear Anna,  your boyfriend is a hopeless romantic…in the same way that “Gonorrhea” is a great name for a newborn. I see your relationship playing out like this: You stay together, get married, have kids, while he screws everything including dead bodies and knotty pine. Get out before you are carrying his demon seed.

Love,

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog

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Pleasure.

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Casandra M. from Austin, Texas asks, “Dear Answerman, I would rather pleasure myself than have sex with my husband. Is that normal?”

Dear Casandra, professionals preach the necessity of freshining up a stale sex life, but “professionals” are oblivious to the damage 20 years of domestic beer, Cinnobuns® and back hair have on sexual magnetism. My call, keep doing what you’re doing and throw the guy a hump every once in a while.  If having sex was always supposed to be fun there would be a ride for it at Disneyland.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

instagram: poppyisadog

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