Tag Archives: masturbate

Nov 05 2015
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advice, advice column, Humor

Commitment Phobe

Grill

Jimmy J. from Bronx, NY asks, “Yo Answerman, Shyanne be getting up in my grill about marriage and shit. She threatenin’ to leave my ass if I don’t be giving her a diamond ring. I’m a player yo! Jimmy J, can’t be roped into a commitment! Do I break up with her or just string this bitch along?”

Dear Jimmy J., I have begun a Kickstarter campaign to get you a vasectomy. In the meantime, if you feel the need to spread your seed, masturbate and use a tissue…or in your case, an empty pack of Marlboro Lights. Regarding Shyanne, I’m not sure what she ever saw in you, but please break up with her so she can find her true love…an unemployed, middle school drop-out, doing a 15 to 30 for armed robbery.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Jul 23 2015
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advice, advice column, Humor

Pleasure.

17-back-hair.w710.h473.2x

Casandra M. from Austin, Texas asks, “Dear Answerman, I would rather pleasure myself than have sex with my husband. Is that normal?”

Dear Casandra, professionals preach the necessity of freshining up a stale sex life, but “professionals” are oblivious to the damage 20 years of domestic beer, Cinnobuns® and back hair have on sexual magnetism. My call, keep doing what you’re doing and throw the guy a hump every once in a while.  If having sex was always supposed to be fun there would be a ride for it at Disneyland.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

instagram: poppyisadog

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Jul 27 2014
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advice, advice column, Humor

The Dream

Howard W. from Jeffersonville, Indiana writes, “Answerman, I love sex, so my dream is to go into porn and get paid to bust nuts like a squirrel in an acorn patch! What you think? Peace. Out.”

Howard, the world needs people like you. People who follow their dreams. People who walk to a different drummer. People who will have sex on camera and contract genital warts just so strangers can watch and masturbate.

Never let that dream die Howard. Never let it die.

Peace. Out.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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