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advice, advice column, Humor

Commitment Phobe

Jimmy J. from Bronx, NY asks, “Yo Answerman, Shyanne be getting up in my grill about marriage and shit. She threatenin’ to leave my ass if I don’t be giving her a diamond ring. I’m a player yo! Jimmy J, can’t be roped into a commitment! Do I break up with her or just string this bitch along?”

Dear Jimmy J., I have begun a Kickstarter campaign to get you a vasectomy. In the meantime, if you feel the need to spread your seed, masturbate and use a tissue…or in your case, an empty pack of Marlboro Lights. Regarding Shyanne, I’m not sure what she ever saw in you, but please break up with her so she can find her true love…an unemployed, middle school drop-out, doing a 15 to 30 for armed robbery.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, ass, boyfriend, break-up, comedy, commitment, commitment-phobic, creepy, dark comedy, dark humor, diamond, diamond ring, dog, dumb, fiancee, funny, girlfriend, humor, idiot, kickstarter, laugh, loser, love, marlboro, marlboro lights, marry, masturbate, penis, player, poppy, prison, punishment, relationship, sarcastic, small penis, stupid, truth, unemployed, vasectomy, wife

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