Kenny R. from Pensacola, Florida writes: “Dear Answerman, my friend admitted he had sex with a goat, but he said, ‘I put it in the vagina, not the ass, because the ass would be gay.’ I’m totally freaked out. What should I do?”
Dear Kenny, I think it’s time you look at your life choices, specifically how you choose your friends. You see, most of us define a “friend” as someone you can trust through the good times and bad, while it seems you define “friend” as any random hobo you meet in a truckstop bathroom selling expired condoms.
But more importantly, please explain to your “friend” that putting your penis in the ass, or the vagina, of a goat does not make you gay OR straight, it makes you a felon.
Jimmy J. from Bronx, NY asks, “Yo Answerman, Shyanne be getting up in my grill about marriage and shit. She threatenin’ to leave my ass if I don’t be giving her a diamond ring. I’m a player yo! Jimmy J, can’t be roped into a commitment! Do I break up with her or just string this bitch along?”
Dear Jimmy J., I have begun a Kickstarter campaign to get you a vasectomy. In the meantime, if you feel the need to spread your seed, masturbate and use a tissue…or in your case, an empty pack of Marlboro Lights. Regarding Shyanne, I’m not sure what she ever saw in you, but please break up with her so she can find her true love…an unemployed, middle school drop-out, doing a 15 to 30 for armed robbery.
Keith R. from Oak Ridge, Tennessee asks, “Dear Answerman, I run a lot of marathons, but the only way I can run fast times is to run behind a woman with a really tight ass and fantasize about her the whole way. Does that make me a pervert?”
Dear Keith, only if you cross the finish line and find out that the tight ass you’ve been chasing for 26 miles belongs to a 16 year old boy.