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advice, advice column, Humor

Artificial

Mandy R. from Summerlin, Nevada asks: “Dear Answerman, we don’t get much rain out here in Nevada so I’m thinking about replacing my grass with artificial turf. Will my dog Kona be okay relieving herself on the fake stuff?”

Dear Mandy, fake grass, or as I like to call it a “yard merkin“, is as senseless as covering yourself in tattoos to prove you’re “butch” (yes, I’m talking to you Justin Bieber).

Will Kona be okay dropping ass biscuits on your yard merkin? Dogs aren’t picky, we’ll shit in your mouth if you lie on the floor. But, will she like it? In the same way you’d prefer having coitus with an electric toothbrush.

Love,

Poppy

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Email: justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Facebook: mranswerman Instagram: poppyisadog

Tagged advice, advice column, angry, ann landers, artificial turf, bitch, butch, coitus, comedy, crap, dear abby, dog, funny, grass, happy, heart, hilarous, humor, idea, jokes, justin, justin bieber, landscape, landscaping, laugh, love, merkin, poop, question, sex, shit, stupid, tattoo, truth, women, work, yard

advice, advice column, Humor

Room-mate Hate

Cissy M. from Cincinnati, Ohio writes, “Dear Poppy, my room-mate adopted a puppy, without asking me, then she lost her job, so she had to move back in with her parents…who don’t want the dog. Now I’m stuck with a dog I never wanted. What should I do?”

Dear Cissy, I hope your roommate wakes up on her wedding day with a herpes sore on her lip the size of an extra large, stuffed crust, pizza. In the meantime, remember that dogs are the greatest gift our lord and savior, Beyonce, has ever granted us. Adopt the dog, unless it’s a labrador, they are dumb as shit.

Please remember to like me here and on Facebook if you love bad advice.

Love,

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Instagram: poppyisadog

Tagged advice, asshole, assholes, bitch, bride, crap, dark comedy, dark humor, friends, funny, humanity, humor, jerk, jokes, parents, poop, roomie, roommate, sarcastic, selfish, truth, wedding

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advice, advice column, Humor

Wipe.

Tom Anderson of Cleveland Ohio writes: “Dear Answer Man, why don’t dogs have to wipe their butts?”

Tom, just because you don’t see it happen, doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened. Take a peek under your bed and it’s gonna look like someone dragged a chocolate easter bunny across that discount wall to wall carpeting you just installed (spoiler alert, that’s not chocolate.)

Love Poppy.

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, butt-wipe, comedy, crap, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, funny, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, poop, poppy, sarcastic, shit, stupid, truth, wipe

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