Tag Archives: wedding

Room-mate Hate

roommate

Cissy M. from Cincinnati, Ohio writes, “Dear Poppy, my room-mate adopted a puppy, without asking me, then she lost her job, so she had to move back in with her parents…who don’t want the dog. Now I’m stuck with a dog I never wanted. What should I do?”

Dear Cissy, I hope your roommate wakes up on her wedding day with a herpes sore on her lip the size of an extra large, stuffed crust, pizza. In the meantime, remember that dogs are the greatest gift our lord and savior, Beyonce, has ever granted us. Adopt the dog, unless it’s a labrador, they are dumb as shit.

Please remember to like me here and on Facebook if you love bad advice.

Love,

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Instagram: poppyisadog

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Religulous

crucifixsurgeprotector2

Anise R. from Darby, Oklahoma asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my husband is a non-practicing Catholic and I’m an atheist. His mom, the hard-core Catholic, keeps telling me that if I don’t convert, when we have kids they’ll be ‘bastards and damned to hell’. What should I do?”

Dear Anise, religious bigots are like spoiled milk. From a distance they look normal, but up close they stink like Oprah’s ass sweat. It’s time your fiance got a sack and let his mommy know that if she can’t behave she won’t ever get to see her unborn “damned to hell, bastard” grandchildren. She’ll understand, Catholics know all about ex-communication.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog

 

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Wedding Dress

Marry me

Tanya K. from Oswego Wisconsin writes, “Dear Answerman, my fiancee said he wants to pick my wedding gown.  I want to do this with my mom and friends, but I don’t want to upset him, what should I do?”

Dear Tanya, let’s talk about what kind of fiancees help pick wedding gowns.

The first kind are control freaks. If your fiancee is one of these you’re in for a life of being treated like a child. Every waking decision will be made for you. It sounds nice, until he tells the waiter, “She’s gonna have the weight watcher plate. She’s trying to lose that lard-filled doughnut she calls a waist.”

The second kind are the closeted gay men. Honestly, this may not be a bad thing. He’ll know what shoes go with which bag, take you to musicals and love to chit chat about the Kardashians. Of course, the downside is that sex will be infrequent and usually end with him saying, “Excuse me while I go throw up and cry.”

Sounds like you have nothing, but joy and happiness in front of you.

FOLLOW-UP: 

Tanya sent us this picture with a note saying, “Good news, he isn’t gay!”

Bride

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Wedding Gift

Sheryl V. from Covington, Kentucky writes: “Dear Answerman, my husband and I are traveling to my neice’s wedding at great expense. Are we still required to give a present?”

Sheryl, I understand how you’d want to block out the memory of your own wedding day.  Not many women can claim they married the guy who proposed by saying, “I guess I need to buy the cow now that I had ass-sex with it.” But I’m sure all your “kin-folk”, even the ones who traveled at “great expense” brought you gifts (i.e. live chickens, motor oil and an IUD). Be a class act, get them a gift that doesn’t have a screw cap.

Love.

Poppy

email your questions to: justaskpoppy@icloud.com

 

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