The Answer Man
I am Poppy and I offer the best advice you never wanted. Email me a question at poppyadvice[at]gmail.com
Holiday Cheer
Tito H. from Orange County, CA writes: “Yo Answerman, I’ve been dating the same bitch for three weeks. I know she got me an X-Box for Christmas, which I fucking want, but I don’t want to buy her shit, ’cause I’m gonna dump her ass. What should I do?”
Dear Tito, the mature move would be to break up and let her return the X-Box. Then she will be free to find her soul mate, a parolee, who breeds hamsters in a broken down Chrysler Mini-van.
But, if you decide to part ways once you get the X-Box, I have written a riddle just for you:
Question: What’s the difference between you and my asshole?
Answer: One is a putrid, shit soaked hole that should never be kissed and the other lies between my ass cheeks.
Love,
Poppy
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Email: justaskpoppy@icloud.com
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Gift
Trish W. from Bangor, Maine asks, “Dear Poppy, last Christmas I made this beautiful wreath for my sister, but it’s still sitting in her basement unused. I really like it, can I ask for it back?”
Trish, looking at this turd I can imagine why your sister doesn’t want it hanging on her front door. Hot-gluing random objects to a round piece of Styrofoam is not a gift, it’s a sign of what happens when you have access to Klonopin and a box of chardonnay. Asking for it back may be the best gift you could give her.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
No Retreat
Allison W. from Metarie, Louisiana writes: “Dear Answerman, I work for a small company and we’re about to have a retreat. The owner wants everyone to stay at his vacation home and said “drinking games, bathing suits, hot tub, yee-haw!”. The last thing I want is to see my co-workers drunk, in bathing suits, in a hot tub. What should I do?
Dear Allison, I’m trying to figure out if you work at a frat house or your boss based this “retreat” on the un-made Seth Rogan, James Franco buddy movie entitled “My Boss is a Fucking Perv, Yee-Haw!”
Regardless, my advice is to find a good lawyer and bone up on caribbean tax havens, because you just hit the sexual harassment lottery! Don’t forget your camera, juries LOVE pictures and videos.
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Love,
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog
[My]Space
Barry M., from Phoenix, Arizona asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my wife’s mother is staying with us, but it doesn’t look like she’s ever leaving! How do I kick her out, without pissing my wife off?”
Dear Barry, you’ve got two options. One, grit your teeth and accept that you’ve got a roommate that smells like Ducolax and bunions. Or two, tell you wife you won’t have sex with her until her mom finds a new place to couch surf. (By the way, that’s just a joke, your wife could give a rat’s ass if you have sex with her).
If it was me, I’d get a motor home, park it in the driveway and start glamping. Good luck.
Please remember to like me here and on Facebook if you love bad advice.
Love,
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog
Child-Proof
Leslie R., from Potomac, Maryland writes: “Dear Answerman, my 8 year old son walked in on me and my husband having sex. What do I say to him?”
Dear Leslie, I once caught my mother in the middle of a three-way with a one balled schnauzer and poodle mix in a doggie wheelchair, so I understand how sensitive this can be. Tell him, “Daddy was looking for the TV remote, in my vagina.” In my experience, lying is the best solution.
LIKE us here and on Facebook if you love bad advice.
Love,
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog
Room-mate Hate
Cissy M. from Cincinnati, Ohio writes, “Dear Poppy, my room-mate adopted a puppy, without asking me, then she lost her job, so she had to move back in with her parents…who don’t want the dog. Now I’m stuck with a dog I never wanted. What should I do?”
Dear Cissy, I hope your roommate wakes up on her wedding day with a herpes sore on her lip the size of an extra large, stuffed crust, pizza. In the meantime, remember that dogs are the greatest gift our lord and savior, Beyonce, has ever granted us. Adopt the dog, unless it’s a labrador, they are dumb as shit.
Please remember to like me here and on Facebook if you love bad advice.
Love,
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog
The Ugly Truth
Anna L, from Cocoa Beach, Florida writes: “Dear Answerman, my boyfriend just blurted out that his ex is better in the sack than me, and then he topped it off with, ‘it’s okay because I love you and I never loved her.’ What the hell am I supposed to do with that nugget of shit?!”
Dear Anna, your boyfriend is a hopeless romantic…in the same way that “Gonorrhea” is a great name for a newborn. I see your relationship playing out like this: You stay together, get married, have kids, while he screws everything including dead bodies and knotty pine. Get out before you are carrying his demon seed.
Love,
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog
Religulous
Anise R. from Darby, Oklahoma asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my husband is a non-practicing Catholic and I’m an atheist. His mom, the hard-core Catholic, keeps telling me that if I don’t convert, when we have kids they’ll be ‘bastards and damned to hell’. What should I do?”
Dear Anise, religious bigots are like spoiled milk. From a distance they look normal, but up close they stink like Oprah’s ass sweat. It’s time your fiance got a sack and let his mommy know that if she can’t behave she won’t ever get to see her unborn “damned to hell, bastard” grandchildren. She’ll understand, Catholics know all about ex-communication.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog
That Bathroom Question
Walter M. from Dearborn, Michigan asks, “Dear Answerman, I don’t want these sexual deviants dressed as women, pissing in the same bathroom as my daughter and now Obama is saying we got no choice. What should I do?
P.S. I got nothing against gay people, as long as they keep to their own and leave me and my family alone.”
Dear Walter,
I recommend packing up your kinfolk and moving to Zimbabwe. It’s a lovely country, with rampant inflation, wanton corruption, no national currency, high unemployment, but their one bright spot? No transgender bathroom problem…mostly because they behead gay people. I’m sure you’ll feel right at home.
Of course your other choice is to do something simple, like evolve.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog
The Answer Man 