asshole | The Answer Man

Tag Archives: asshole

advice, advice column, Humor

Holiday Cheer

Tito H. from Orange County, CA writes: “Yo Answerman, I’ve been dating the same bitch for three weeks. I know she got me an X-Box for Christmas, which I fucking want, but I don’t want to buy her shit, ’cause I’m gonna dump her ass. What should I do?”

Dear Tito, the mature move would be to break up and let her return the X-Box. Then she will be free to find her soul mate, a parolee, who breeds hamsters in a broken down Chrysler Mini-van.

But, if you decide to part ways once you get the X-Box, I have written a riddle just for you:

Question: What’s the difference between you and my asshole?

Answer: One is a putrid, shit soaked hole that should never be kissed and the other lies between my ass cheeks.

Love,

Poppy

LIKE us here and on Facebook.

Email: justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Instagram: poppyisadog Facebook: mranswerman

Tagged advice, angry, asshole, assholes, bitch, boyfriend, breakup, christmas, date, dating, dog, ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, gift, girlfriend, holiday, humor, jerk, jokes, love, poop, present, relationship, sex, women, x-box

advice, advice column, Humor

Room-mate Hate

Cissy M. from Cincinnati, Ohio writes, “Dear Poppy, my room-mate adopted a puppy, without asking me, then she lost her job, so she had to move back in with her parents…who don’t want the dog. Now I’m stuck with a dog I never wanted. What should I do?”

Dear Cissy, I hope your roommate wakes up on her wedding day with a herpes sore on her lip the size of an extra large, stuffed crust, pizza. In the meantime, remember that dogs are the greatest gift our lord and savior, Beyonce, has ever granted us. Adopt the dog, unless it’s a labrador, they are dumb as shit.

Please remember to like me here and on Facebook if you love bad advice.

Love,

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Instagram: poppyisadog

Tagged advice, asshole, assholes, bitch, bride, crap, dark comedy, dark humor, friends, funny, humanity, humor, jerk, jokes, parents, poop, roomie, roommate, sarcastic, selfish, truth, wedding

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advice, advice column, Humor

Cats

Bonnie W. from Danfield, Connecticut writes, “Dear Poppy, on the way home from work a cat ran out in front of my car and I hit him. I immediately pulled over to check on him, but he was dead and he didn’t have any tags so I couldn’t call the owners and let them know what happened. I feel horrible.”

Bonnie, I’m sorry you feel horrible, but you shouldn’t. Cat’s are assholes. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if the one you hit was actually commiting suicide.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, asshole, assholes, cat, cats, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dead, death, funny, guilt, guilty, humor, idiot, killed, laugh, run over, sarcastic, truth

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