Yvette M. from Los Angeles, California writes, “Dear Answerman, I’m about to get married (it’s both of our second marriages) and my fiancee came home in this car. I thought I knew him, what should I do?
Dear Yvette, this is not a car. This is a flame infused mid-life crisis, that advertises it’s driver has the penis of a Telletubby.
I suggest you be direct with him and say, “I can continue to make believe you satisfy me sexually, but the car has to go.” I’m sure he’ll make the right choice.
Tanya K. from Oswego Wisconsin writes, “Dear Answerman, my fiancee said he wants to pick my wedding gown. I want to do this with my mom and friends, but I don’t want to upset him, what should I do?”
Dear Tanya, let’s talk about what kind of fiancees help pick wedding gowns.
The first kind are control freaks. If your fiancee is one of these you’re in for a life of being treated like a child. Every waking decision will be made for you. It sounds nice, until he tells the waiter, “She’s gonna have the weight watcher plate. She’s trying to lose that lard-filled doughnut she calls a waist.”
The second kind are the closeted gay men. Honestly, this may not be a bad thing. He’ll know what shoes go with which bag, take you to musicals and love to chit chat about the Kardashians. Of course, the downside is that sex will be infrequent and usually end with him saying, “Excuse me while I go throw up and cry.”
Sounds like you have nothing, but joy and happiness in front of you.
Tanya sent us this picture with a note saying, “Good news, he isn’t gay!”
Sheryl V. from Covington, Kentucky writes: “Dear Answerman, my husband and I are traveling to my neice’s wedding at great expense. Are we still required to give a present?”
Sheryl, I understand how you’d want to block out the memory of your own wedding day. Not many women can claim they married the guy who proposed by saying, “I guess I need to buy the cow now that I had ass-sex with it.” But I’m sure all your “kin-folk”, even the ones who traveled at “great expense” brought you gifts (i.e. live chickens, motor oil and an IUD). Be a class act, get them a gift that doesn’t have a screw cap.