Amber M. from Peekskill, NY writes, “Yo Answerman. I ain’t afraid to admit it, I like to get my drink on, I like to shake my ass and I like to party, but my bestie doesn’t always get invited to the parties I gets invited to. Now she be upset because I go without her, is it okay if I goes anyways?”
Dear Amber, I can tell you are a classy woman who probably enjoys the finer things in life, like Kirkland brand vodka and bleaching your anus. While I approve of you getting your “drink on”, minus your bestie, always keep in mind the drunken, slurred words of Lindsey Lohan, “A shot of tequila will keep you warm for a few minutes, but a friend will keep you…oh my God, I think I just shit myself.”
John M. from St. Paul, Minnesota asks, “Dear Poppy, I’m 48, divorced and I’d like to think that that I’m fairly experienced when it comes to sex. A few months ago I started dating a new woman who likes to stick her finger up my butt. I keep telling her I’m not into that, but she keeps saying that I need to relax. What should I do?”
Dear John, while I realize that “assplay” is all the rage with the cool kids, I think some things are better left mysterious…with your turd crib being at the top of that list.
So, I think you’ve got two options:
Option #1: Prior to any foreplay, have an honest and sincere conversation, where you clearly explain that your posterior is off-limits. Then, after she stops laughing at you, inform her that perhaps the two of you should take a break.
Option #2: Surprise her by having a “butt truffle” waiting in the chute. The moment she plucks a cherry from your ass, her prospecting days will be over.
Please write me back, I’m dying to know how this turns out!
The Answer Man 