The Answer Man
I am Poppy and I offer the best advice you never wanted. Email me a question at poppyadvice[at]gmail.com
Tag Archives: love
Pleasure.
Casandra M. from Austin, Texas asks, “Dear Answerman, I would rather pleasure myself than have sex with my husband. Is that normal?”
Dear Casandra, professionals preach the necessity of freshining up a stale sex life, but “professionals” are oblivious to the damage 20 years of domestic beer, Cinnobuns® and back hair have on sexual magnetism. My call, keep doing what you’re doing and throw the guy a hump every once in a while. If having sex was always supposed to be fun there would be a ride for it at Disneyland.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
instagram: poppyisadog
Bikini
Eunice K, from Arapahoe, Indiana asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, when do I know it’s time to stop wearing a bikini?”
Dear Eunice, I’m no fan of “body shaming”, everyone should make their own call as to when it’s time to hang up the two piece. Having said that, I’ve created this simple three question test for my readers:
1) From a distance, does it look like your ass slipped around to where your crotch is?
2) Do guys with gang tattoos say your c-section scar is “muy caliente”?
3) Have you ever gone to Olive Garden, ordered their “Sausage Stuffed Giant Rigatoni” and had the waiter reply, “Oh snap! Shit just got real up in this bitch.”
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions it’s time to start thinking about a one piece and some Zumba classes.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Feelings
Anthony S. from Buffalo, NY asks, “Dear Answerman, how can I tell the difference between sadness and depression?”
Dear Anthony, “Sadness” is going to Atlantic City, gambling with your rent money, losing and spending your last $45 on a street walker named “Cinnamon Jones”.
“Depression” is finding out that you’ve just handed $45 to a cross-dressing, vice cop named Paul.
I hope this clears up the confusion.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Beauty
Carissa M, from Prescott, Arizona asks, “Dear Answerman, my friends say that I should break up with my boyfriend because he isn’t hot enough for me. I think they’re right, but he’s such a nice guy. What should I do?”
Dear Carissa, “hotness” is a hard thing to quantify, but luckily, being shallow is not. Please break up with him, it’ll be nicest thing you’ve done for another person, since the night you blew that cab driver because you were out of cash.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Marathon Man
Keith R. from Oak Ridge, Tennessee asks, “Dear Answerman, I run a lot of marathons, but the only way I can run fast times is to run behind a woman with a really tight ass and fantasize about her the whole way. Does that make me a pervert?”
Dear Keith, only if you cross the finish line and find out that the tight ass you’ve been chasing for 26 miles belongs to a 16 year old boy.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
The One.
Tabitha M. from Lima, Ohio asks, “Dear Poppy, my boyfriend Todd is perfect. He’s funny, smart and sexy, I think he’s the one, but how can I be 100% sure?”
Tabitha, cheap chardonnay, Prozac and Fifty Shades of Grey were created for women who were “100% sure” they were marrying the “perfect” guy. If you’re looking for 100% sure, always assume the NY Jets will suck and you’ll never be disappointed.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Size Matters.
Ronnie Z. from Farmington, New Mexico asks, “Dear Answerman, how important is penis size?”
Dear Ronnie, The importance of penis size is something I’m asked quite often. Women lie, men are confused, unjustices happen. To end this controversy once and for all, I’ve put together this easy to understand graph that explains it in layman’s terms.
Don’t bother thanking me.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
The Answer Man 