Tag Archives: loser

Face Hair.

Moustache

Shila M. from Newberg, Pennsylvania asks, “Dear Answerman, I think men with facial hair are disgusting. If guys aren’t going to shave, maybe women should punish them by not shaving too.”

Dear Shila, below is a picture of Debbie. Debbie’s been protesting male facial hair by not shaving since 2006, which is also the last time a male, who wasn’t homeless, had sex with her. What Debbie and you have forgotten is that a “successful protest” gets the masses to demand change, while an “unsuccessful protest” gets you herpes from a guy named Captain Gin Bucket.

facial hair

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

instagram: poppyisadog

 

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Bikini

BikiniClothesLine

Eunice K, from Arapahoe, Indiana asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, when do I know it’s time to stop wearing a bikini?”

Dear Eunice, I’m no fan of “body shaming”, everyone should make their own call as to when it’s time to hang up the two piece. Having said that, I’ve created this simple three question test for my readers:

1) From a distance, does it look like your ass slipped around to where your crotch is?

2) Do guys with gang tattoos say your c-section scar is “muy caliente”?

3) Have you ever gone to Olive Garden, ordered their “Sausage Stuffed Giant Rigatoni” and had the waiter reply, “Oh snap! Shit just got real up in this bitch.”

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions it’s time to start thinking about a one piece and some Zumba classes.

 Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Feelings

Feelings Tattoo

Anthony S. from Buffalo, NY asks, “Dear Answerman, how can I tell the difference between sadness and depression?”

Dear Anthony, “Sadness” is going to Atlantic City, gambling with your rent money, losing and spending your last $45 on a street walker named “Cinnamon Jones”.

Depression” is finding out that you’ve just handed $45 to a cross-dressing, vice cop named Paul.

mary-cross-dressing-male-teacher

 I hope this clears up the confusion.

 Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Beauty

lipstick on dog

Carissa M, from Prescott, Arizona asks, “Dear Answerman, my friends say that I should break up with my boyfriend because he isn’t hot enough for me. I think they’re right, but he’s such a nice guy. What should I do?”

Dear Carissa, “hotness” is a hard thing to quantify, but luckily, being shallow is not. Please break up with him, it’ll be nicest thing you’ve done for another person, since the night you blew that cab driver because you were out of cash.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Marathon Man

Runner

Keith R. from Oak Ridge, Tennessee asks, “Dear Answerman, I run a lot of marathons, but the only way I can run fast times is to run behind a woman with a really tight ass and fantasize about her the whole way. Does that make me a pervert?”

Dear Keith, only if you cross the finish line and find out that the tight ass you’ve been chasing for 26 miles belongs to a 16 year old boy.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Climate.

sunburn

Dan M. from Dodge City Kansas asks, “Dear Answerman, I say climate change is fake, what do you think?”

Dear Dan, it’s obvious that you are a man who does his research and knows right from wrong, so let’s take a look at some of your other wise choices.

The home-made hot tub that overheated, boiled your testicles and rendered you infertile.

hot tub

That tattoo that expresses your love for a band that wrote  “Something in Your Mouth.” (you’re so much cooler when you leave it in your mouth/’cuz you look so much cuter with something in your mouth.)  Nothing says “classy” like a song about blowjobs.

nickleback

The time your friends said, “Hey who wants to stand on their head, put lightbulbs in their underwear, spread their legs and drop a wooden stepladder on their nut sack?” And you replied, “Pick me!”

crop_breaking_a_neon_tube

Is climate change for real? It’s as real as the glass shards embedded in your taint.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

 

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Size Matters.

little weiny

Ronnie Z. from Farmington, New Mexico asks, “Dear Answerman, how important is penis size?”

Dear Ronnie, The importance of penis size is something I’m asked quite often. Women lie, men are confused, unjustices happen. To end this controversy once and for all, I’ve put together this easy to understand graph that explains it in layman’s terms.

penis 4.001

Don’t bother thanking me.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

 

 

 

 

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Hooking

Red Heart

Yvonne K. from Davenport, Iowa asks, “Dear Answerman, I recently graduated college and I’ve been covering my living expenses and college loans by working as an escort. My parents expect me to go to law school, so if they find out they will explode. What should I do?”

Dear Yvonne, prostitution is a noble profession. You’re bringing joy and happiness to lonely men, whose wives are repulsed by them. And, if you think about it, the only difference between you and a lawyer is that lawyers won’t kiss their clients as they fuck them.

 Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Sexual Healing

dog lick

Daltry M, from Montrose, Colorado asks, “Dear Answerman, I’m pretty sure that my girlfriend is only into me because I satisify her sexually, but honestly it leaves me feeling used and empty. What do you think?”

Dear Daltry, have you ever laughed so hard that a little bit of poop sneaks out of your butt? That just happened when I read your question. If you’re looking for a meaningful relationship get a dog.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Unsung Heros

I wanted to take a break from offering advice and give a shout-out to the unsung inventions that make life, livable.

1) The Porto Potty Urinal.

john

Men are animals. They will pee on/in anything (including, but not limited to, glove compartments, refrigerator crisper drawers and unsuspecting hookers). Men are why the Porto Potty Urinal needed to be invented and is irrefutable proof that God, is a woman.

 2) Air conditioning.

70997_1000x1000

Huntsville Alabama, August 1924. Men wearing wool suits and hats. Women in granny panties. Oppressive humidity. No air conditioning.  Unless you’re turned on by the smell of fried onions, I don’t know how people got past each other’s body odor long enough to procreate.

3) Frosty Paws by Purina.

Frosty Paws

Peanut butter flavored ice cream doesn’t make up for castrating the one living thing that is actually happy to see you…but it’s a beginning.

 Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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