Shila M. from Newberg, Pennsylvania asks, “Dear Answerman, I think men with facial hair are disgusting. If guys aren’t going to shave, maybe women should punish them by not shaving too.”
Dear Shila, below is a picture of Debbie. Debbie’s been protesting male facial hair by not shaving since 2006, which is also the last time a male, who wasn’t homeless, had sex with her. What Debbie and you have forgotten is that a “successful protest” gets the masses to demand change, while an “unsuccessful protest” gets you herpes from a guy named Captain Gin Bucket.
Casandra M. from Austin, Texas asks, “Dear Answerman, I would rather pleasure myself than have sex with my husband. Is that normal?”
Dear Casandra, professionals preach the necessity of freshining up a stale sex life, but “professionals” are oblivious to the damage 20 years of domestic beer, Cinnobuns® and back hair have on sexual magnetism. My call, keep doing what you’re doing and throw the guy a hump every once in a while. If having sex was always supposed to be fun there would be a ride for it at Disneyland.
Eunice K, from Arapahoe, Indiana asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, when do I know it’s time to stop wearing a bikini?”
Dear Eunice, I’m no fan of “body shaming”, everyone should make their own call as to when it’s time to hang up the two piece. Having said that, I’ve created this simple three question test for my readers:
1) From a distance, does it look like your ass slipped around to where your crotch is?
2) Do guys with gang tattoos say your c-section scar is “muy caliente”?
3) Have you ever gone to Olive Garden, ordered their “Sausage Stuffed Giant Rigatoni” and had the waiter reply, “Oh snap! Shit just got real up in this bitch.”
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions it’s time to start thinking about a one piece and some Zumba classes.
Laura B from Gulfport, Florida writes: Dear Answerman, “What is up with all these fake people that pretend all the time, they are such a waste of my time!!!!”
Dear Laura, let me explain how an “advice column” works. People ask for my advice…in a question format, and I give them advice. What you have done here is make a statement, highlighting your mastery of the obvious, but sadly, not your grasp of irony.
Carissa M, from Prescott, Arizona asks, “Dear Answerman, my friends say that I should break up with my boyfriend because he isn’t hot enough for me. I think they’re right, but he’s such a nice guy. What should I do?”
Dear Carissa, “hotness” is a hard thing to quantify, but luckily, being shallow is not. Please break up with him, it’ll be nicest thing you’ve done for another person, since the night you blew that cab driver because you were out of cash.
Keith R. from Oak Ridge, Tennessee asks, “Dear Answerman, I run a lot of marathons, but the only way I can run fast times is to run behind a woman with a really tight ass and fantasize about her the whole way. Does that make me a pervert?”
Dear Keith, only if you cross the finish line and find out that the tight ass you’ve been chasing for 26 miles belongs to a 16 year old boy.
Dan M. from Dodge City Kansas asks, “Dear Answerman, I say climate change is fake, what do you think?”
Dear Dan, it’s obvious that you are a man who does his research and knows right from wrong, so let’s take a look at some of your other wise choices.
The home-made hot tub that overheated, boiled your testicles and rendered you infertile.
That tattoo that expresses your love for a band that wrote “Something in Your Mouth.” (you’re so much cooler when you leave it in your mouth/’cuz you look so much cuter with something in your mouth.) Nothing says “classy” like a song about blowjobs.
The time your friends said, “Hey who wants to stand on their head, put lightbulbs in their underwear, spread their legs and drop a wooden stepladder on their nut sack?” And you replied, “Pick me!”
Is climate change for real? It’s as real as the glass shards embedded in your taint.
Ronnie Z. from Farmington, New Mexico asks, “Dear Answerman, how important is penis size?”
Dear Ronnie, The importance of penis size is something I’m asked quite often. Women lie, men are confused, unjustices happen. To end this controversy once and for all, I’ve put together this easy to understand graph that explains it in layman’s terms.
Yvonne K. from Davenport, Iowa asks, “Dear Answerman, I recently graduated college and I’ve been covering my living expenses and college loans by working as an escort. My parents expect me to go to law school, so if they find out they will explode. What should I do?”
Dear Yvonne, prostitution is a noble profession. You’re bringing joy and happiness to lonely men, whose wives are repulsed by them. And, if you think about it, the only difference between you and a lawyer is that lawyers won’t kiss their clients as they fuck them.