Anna V. from Beaumont Texas asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my fiancee isn’t circumcised so his thing looks like an earthworm. I’m not sure I can spend the rest of my life thinking my husband has a worm in his pants. What should I do?”
Dear Anna, would you be writing me if instead of an earthworm his penis reminded you of an anaconda? Exactly. Let me leave you with some advice my mother gave me, “Size is just a number, but love is unquantifiable.” Of course take that with a grain of salt, my mother liked to eat poop and had six litters from random dog park sex.
Maya B, from Provo, Utah, asks, “Dear Answerman, I’ve never had an orgasm with my fiancée, but he said “it’s not important because we love each other.” What do you think?”
Dear Maya, imagine your sex life as running a 100 yard dash, with your fiancé on your back, and at about the 90 yard mark he jumps off, declares the race over and himself the winner…then he takes a victory lap followed by a long nap. If that sounds like “love”, congrats, you’ve found your Prince Charming.
Bobby V from Queens, New York asks, “Poppy, I’m 27 years old, I live in my parent’s basement and I’m not sure I’m ready to move out. What should I do?”
Bobby, I’ve never met you, but I’m gonna make some assumptions:
1) This is you at a “My Little Pony” convention.
2) This is your girlfriend.
3) And this is how your parents feel when their friends ask about you.
Shila M. from Newberg, Pennsylvania asks, “Dear Answerman, I think men with facial hair are disgusting. If guys aren’t going to shave, maybe women should punish them by not shaving too.”
Dear Shila, below is a picture of Debbie. Debbie’s been protesting male facial hair by not shaving since 2006, which is also the last time a male, who wasn’t homeless, had sex with her. What Debbie and you have forgotten is that a “successful protest” gets the masses to demand change, while an “unsuccessful protest” gets you herpes from a guy named Captain Gin Bucket.
Casandra M. from Austin, Texas asks, “Dear Answerman, I would rather pleasure myself than have sex with my husband. Is that normal?”
Dear Casandra, professionals preach the necessity of freshining up a stale sex life, but “professionals” are oblivious to the damage 20 years of domestic beer, Cinnobuns® and back hair have on sexual magnetism. My call, keep doing what you’re doing and throw the guy a hump every once in a while. If having sex was always supposed to be fun there would be a ride for it at Disneyland.
Eunice K, from Arapahoe, Indiana asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, when do I know it’s time to stop wearing a bikini?”
Dear Eunice, I’m no fan of “body shaming”, everyone should make their own call as to when it’s time to hang up the two piece. Having said that, I’ve created this simple three question test for my readers:
1) From a distance, does it look like your ass slipped around to where your crotch is?
2) Do guys with gang tattoos say your c-section scar is “muy caliente”?
3) Have you ever gone to Olive Garden, ordered their “Sausage Stuffed Giant Rigatoni” and had the waiter reply, “Oh snap! Shit just got real up in this bitch.”
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions it’s time to start thinking about a one piece and some Zumba classes.
Laura B from Gulfport, Florida writes: Dear Answerman, “What is up with all these fake people that pretend all the time, they are such a waste of my time!!!!”
Dear Laura, let me explain how an “advice column” works. People ask for my advice…in a question format, and I give them advice. What you have done here is make a statement, highlighting your mastery of the obvious, but sadly, not your grasp of irony.
Anthony S. from Buffalo, NY asks, “Dear Answerman, how can I tell the difference between sadness and depression?”
Dear Anthony, “Sadness” is going to Atlantic City, gambling with your rent money, losing and spending your last $45 on a street walker named “Cinnamon Jones”.
“Depression” is finding out that you’ve just handed $45 to a cross-dressing, vice cop named Paul.
Carissa M, from Prescott, Arizona asks, “Dear Answerman, my friends say that I should break up with my boyfriend because he isn’t hot enough for me. I think they’re right, but he’s such a nice guy. What should I do?”
Dear Carissa, “hotness” is a hard thing to quantify, but luckily, being shallow is not. Please break up with him, it’ll be nicest thing you’ve done for another person, since the night you blew that cab driver because you were out of cash.
Keith R. from Oak Ridge, Tennessee asks, “Dear Answerman, I run a lot of marathons, but the only way I can run fast times is to run behind a woman with a really tight ass and fantasize about her the whole way. Does that make me a pervert?”
Dear Keith, only if you cross the finish line and find out that the tight ass you’ve been chasing for 26 miles belongs to a 16 year old boy.
The Answer Man 