Tag Archives: dark humor

Face Hair.


Shila M. from Newberg, Pennsylvania asks, “Dear Answerman, I think men with facial hair are disgusting. If guys aren’t going to shave, maybe women should punish them by not shaving too.”

Dear Shila, below is a picture of Debbie. Debbie’s been protesting male facial hair by not shaving since 2006, which is also the last time a male, who wasn’t homeless, had sex with her. What Debbie and you have forgotten is that a “successful protest” gets the masses to demand change, while an “unsuccessful protest” gets you herpes from a guy named Captain Gin Bucket.

facial hair




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Casandra M. from Austin, Texas asks, “Dear Answerman, I would rather pleasure myself than have sex with my husband. Is that normal?”

Dear Casandra, professionals preach the necessity of freshining up a stale sex life, but “professionals” are oblivious to the damage 20 years of domestic beer, Cinnobuns® and back hair have on sexual magnetism. My call, keep doing what you’re doing and throw the guy a hump every once in a while.  If having sex was always supposed to be fun there would be a ride for it at Disneyland.




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Eunice K, from Arapahoe, Indiana asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, when do I know it’s time to stop wearing a bikini?”

Dear Eunice, I’m no fan of “body shaming”, everyone should make their own call as to when it’s time to hang up the two piece. Having said that, I’ve created this simple three question test for my readers:

1) From a distance, does it look like your ass slipped around to where your crotch is?

2) Do guys with gang tattoos say your c-section scar is “muy caliente”?

3) Have you ever gone to Olive Garden, ordered their “Sausage Stuffed Giant Rigatoni” and had the waiter reply, “Oh snap! Shit just got real up in this bitch.”

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions it’s time to start thinking about a one piece and some Zumba classes.




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Laura B from Gulfport, Florida writes: Dear Answerman, “What is up with all these fake people that pretend all the time, they are such a waste of my time!!!!”

Dear Laura, let me explain how an “advice column” works. People ask for my advice…in a question format, and I give them advice. What you have done here is make a statement,  highlighting  your mastery of the obvious, but sadly, not your grasp of irony.




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Feelings Tattoo

Anthony S. from Buffalo, NY asks, “Dear Answerman, how can I tell the difference between sadness and depression?”

Dear Anthony, “Sadness” is going to Atlantic City, gambling with your rent money, losing and spending your last $45 on a street walker named “Cinnamon Jones”.

Depression” is finding out that you’ve just handed $45 to a cross-dressing, vice cop named Paul.


 I hope this clears up the confusion.




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lipstick on dog

Carissa M, from Prescott, Arizona asks, “Dear Answerman, my friends say that I should break up with my boyfriend because he isn’t hot enough for me. I think they’re right, but he’s such a nice guy. What should I do?”

Dear Carissa, “hotness” is a hard thing to quantify, but luckily, being shallow is not. Please break up with him, it’ll be nicest thing you’ve done for another person, since the night you blew that cab driver because you were out of cash.




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Marathon Man


Keith R. from Oak Ridge, Tennessee asks, “Dear Answerman, I run a lot of marathons, but the only way I can run fast times is to run behind a woman with a really tight ass and fantasize about her the whole way. Does that make me a pervert?”

Dear Keith, only if you cross the finish line and find out that the tight ass you’ve been chasing for 26 miles belongs to a 16 year old boy.




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Dan M. from Dodge City Kansas asks, “Dear Answerman, I say climate change is fake, what do you think?”

Dear Dan, it’s obvious that you are a man who does his research and knows right from wrong, so let’s take a look at some of your other wise choices.

The home-made hot tub that overheated, boiled your testicles and rendered you infertile.

hot tub

That tattoo that expresses your love for a band that wrote  “Something in Your Mouth.” (you’re so much cooler when you leave it in your mouth/’cuz you look so much cuter with something in your mouth.)  Nothing says “classy” like a song about blowjobs.


The time your friends said, “Hey who wants to stand on their head, put lightbulbs in their underwear, spread their legs and drop a wooden stepladder on their nut sack?” And you replied, “Pick me!”


Is climate change for real? It’s as real as the glass shards embedded in your taint.





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The One.


Tabitha M. from Lima, Ohio asks, “Dear Poppy, my boyfriend Todd is perfect. He’s funny, smart and sexy, I think he’s the one, but how can I be 100% sure?”

Tabitha, cheap chardonnay, Prozac and Fifty Shades of Grey were created for women who were “100% sure” they were marrying the “perfect” guy. If you’re looking for 100% sure, always assume the NY Jets will suck and you’ll never be disappointed.




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Size Matters.

little weiny

Ronnie Z. from Farmington, New Mexico asks, “Dear Answerman, how important is penis size?”

Dear Ronnie, The importance of penis size is something I’m asked quite often. Women lie, men are confused, unjustices happen. To end this controversy once and for all, I’ve put together this easy to understand graph that explains it in layman’s terms.

penis 4.001

Don’t bother thanking me.








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