love | The Answer Man

Nov 24 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Love Times Two

Jerry M, from Camden, Maine asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, is it possible to sustain a loving relationship with two people at the same time?”

Dear Jerry, yes, IF you fit into one of these categories:

A) These two people never find out about each other.

B) You become a fundementalist Mormon and give polygomy a shot.

C) One of these people is a webcam girl named Savannah and the other is your mommy.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, boyfriend, cheater, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, funny, humor, idiot, laugh, love, loving relationship, mommy, Mormon, polygamy, poppy, relationship, sarcastic, stupid, truth, webcam girl, wife

Nov 20 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Unsung Heros

I wanted to take a break from offering advice and give a shout-out to the unsung inventions that make life, livable.

1) The Porto Potty Urinal.

Men are animals. They will pee on/in anything (including, but not limited to, glove compartments, refrigerator crisper drawers and unsuspecting hookers). Men are why the Porto Potty Urinal needed to be invented and is irrefutable proof that God, is a woman.

2) Air conditioning.

Huntsville Alabama, August 1924. Men wearing wool suits and hats. Women in granny panties. Oppressive humidity. No air conditioning. Unless you’re turned on by the smell of fried onions, I don’t know how people got past each other’s body odor long enough to procreate.

3) Frosty Paws by Purina.

Peanut butter flavored ice cream doesn’t make up for castrating the one living thing that is actually happy to see you…but it’s a beginning.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged A/C, advice, advice column, air, air condtioning, boyfriend, comedy, dark humor, dog, dog butt, dumb, funny, girlfriend, hot, humidity, humor, ice cream, idea, idiot, invention, inventions, laugh, loser, love, peanut butter, penis, poppy, port o potty, portopotty, sarcastic, sex, stupid, sweaty, truth, urinal, wife

Nov 20 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Gremlin

Rebecca R. from Los Angeles, California asks, “Dear Answerman, has anyone ever told you look a lot like Spike from Gremlins? Warm Regards, Rebecca”

Dear Rebecca, everyone has a doppelgänger. Perhaps mine is a character from a popular 80’s movie, while yours would be a keg of beer with a Jewfro.

Warm Regards,

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark humor, dog, doppelgänger, dumb, funny, Gremlin, Gremlins, humor, idiot, laugh, lookalike, loser, love, poppy, sarcastic, Spike, stupid, truth, twin

Aug 14 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Choices

Savanah H. from Duluth, Georgia asks, “Dear Answerman, I’m 43, divorced and just getting back into the dating pool. What’s the best way to attract men, cleavage or side boob?”

Dear Savanah, it is not your ample bosom that will entice your soul mate, but rather, the strength of your character, the depth of your inner beauty, and ultimately, your endless humanity…just kidding, side boob.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, beauty, boobs, boyfriend, breast, breasts, cleavage, comedy, dark humor, divorce, divorced, dog, dumb, endless beauty, funny, heart, humanity, humor, idiot, inner beauty, laugh, love, penis, poppy, sarcastic, side boob, soul mate, stupid, tit, tits, truth

Jul 27 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

The Dream

Howard W. from Jeffersonville, Indiana writes, “Answerman, I love sex, so my dream is to go into porn and get paid to bust nuts like a squirrel in an acorn patch! What you think? Peace. Out.”

Howard, the world needs people like you. People who follow their dreams. People who walk to a different drummer. People who will have sex on camera and contract genital warts just so strangers can watch and masturbate.

Never let that dream die Howard. Never let it die.

Peace. Out.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dream, dumb, follow your dream, funny, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, masturbate, penis, poppy, porn, sarcastic, sex, stupid, truth

Jul 16 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Friends

Apache to the left, Lucy to the right….I had bacon for lunch.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, ass, bacon, butt, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dog butt, dumb, friends, funny, humor, laugh, love, sarcastic, sniff, stupid

Jul 10 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Lingerie

Liz W. from Roanoke, Virgina asks, “Mr. Answerman, I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 5 months and he still has his ex-girlfriend’s lingerie in our bedroom closet. I told him “it’s got to go”, but he says I’m “over-reacting”. Thoughts?

Liz, “overreacting” is screaming at your boyfriend’s mother, “you are a skanky, ho-bag, sea donkey!”, because she greets him with a hug and kiss. I’d say if anything, living with someone else’s underwear in your closet means you have “low self-esteem” mixed with an unhealthy dollop of “abandonment issues” …or as I like to call it “The Stripper Complex”.

By the way, have you checked to see if the lingerie is your boyfriend’s size?

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, Bill Gates, boyfriend, comedy, cross-dressing, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, ex-girlfriend, funny, girlfriend, idiot, jealous, laugh, lingerie, loser, love, penis, poppy, rich, sarcastic, stupid, truth, vibrator, wealthy

Jun 30 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Breakup

Betsy R. from Vicksburg, Mississippi writes, “Dear Mr. Answerman, I just moved in with my fiancé and I found this picture of him in the back of a drawer. When I asked him about it, he said he was in love with this “waifu” pillow a long time ago, but it’s over. He’s a super nice guy, but I’m having second thoughts about marrying him, what do you think?”

Betsy,

Question:

What is, flying to the Philippines and telling the customs agent, “I’ve got a kilo of heroin stuffed in my colon and I’m looking to party with some of them hairless boys.”

Answer:

A better decision than marrying the guy who once dated a pillow case.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, anime, boyfriend, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, fiancee, funny, girlfriend, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, Philippines, poppy, sarcastic, stupid, truth, waifu, waifu pillow, wife

Jun 26 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Hard Choice

Kerrie W. from Hartford CT. asks, “Mr. Answerman, this is my boyfriend, Dave, and his dog. I love Dave and he loves me but I hate his dog and I’m pretty sure his dog hates me. Do this relationship have a future?

Dear Kerrie, let me break this down for you in a way that’s simple to understand:

Girlfriend Dog

Moody and unpredictable Always happy to see you.

Demands your undivided attention Always happy to see you.

Expects a lifelong commitment Always happy to see you.

Start working on that eHarmony page, you just got replaced by an animal that licks it’s own ball sack.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, boyfriend, break-up, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, funny, girlfriend, humor, love, poppy, relationship, sarcastic, stupid, truth

Jun 03 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Wedding Gift

Sheryl V. from Covington, Kentucky writes: “Dear Answerman, my husband and I are traveling to my neice’s wedding at great expense. Are we still required to give a present?”

Sheryl, I understand how you’d want to block out the memory of your own wedding day. Not many women can claim they married the guy who proposed by saying, “I guess I need to buy the cow now that I had ass-sex with it.” But I’m sure all your “kin-folk”, even the ones who traveled at “great expense” brought you gifts (i.e. live chickens, motor oil and an IUD). Be a class act, get them a gift that doesn’t have a screw cap.

Love.

Poppy

email your questions to: justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, engaged, engagement, funny, gift, humor, love, marriage, married, poppy, present, sarcastic, stupid, wedding, wedding gift, wedding present, wife

I am Poppy and I offer the best advice you never wanted. Email me a question at poppyadvice[at]gmail.com

Tag Archives: love

Jerry M, from Camden, Maine asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, is it possible to sustain a loving relationship with two people at the same time?”

Dear Jerry, yes, IF you fit into one of these categories:

A) These two people never find out about each other.

B) You become a fundementalist Mormon and give polygomy a shot.

C) One of these people is a webcam girl named Savannah and the other is your mommy.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

I wanted to take a break from offering advice and give a shout-out to the unsung inventions that make life, livable.

1) The Porto Potty Urinal.

Men are animals. They will pee on/in anything (including, but not limited to, glove compartments, refrigerator crisper drawers and unsuspecting hookers). Men are why the Porto Potty Urinal needed to be invented and is irrefutable proof that God, is a woman.

2) Air conditioning.

Huntsville Alabama, August 1924. Men wearing wool suits and hats. Women in granny panties. Oppressive humidity. No air conditioning. Unless you’re turned on by the smell of fried onions, I don’t know how people got past each other’s body odor long enough to procreate.

3) Frosty Paws by Purina.

Peanut butter flavored ice cream doesn’t make up for castrating the one living thing that is actually happy to see you…but it’s a beginning.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Rebecca R. from Los Angeles, California asks, “Dear Answerman, has anyone ever told you look a lot like Spike from Gremlins? Warm Regards, Rebecca”

Dear Rebecca, everyone has a doppelgänger. Perhaps mine is a character from a popular 80’s movie, while yours would be a keg of beer with a Jewfro.

Warm Regards,

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Savanah H. from Duluth, Georgia asks, “Dear Answerman, I’m 43, divorced and just getting back into the dating pool. What’s the best way to attract men, cleavage or side boob?”

Dear Savanah, it is not your ample bosom that will entice your soul mate, but rather, the strength of your character, the depth of your inner beauty, and ultimately, your endless humanity…just kidding, side boob.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Howard W. from Jeffersonville, Indiana writes, “Answerman, I love sex, so my dream is to go into porn and get paid to bust nuts like a squirrel in an acorn patch! What you think? Peace. Out.”

Howard, the world needs people like you. People who follow their dreams. People who walk to a different drummer. People who will have sex on camera and contract genital warts just so strangers can watch and masturbate.

Never let that dream die Howard. Never let it die.

Peace. Out.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Apache to the left, Lucy to the right….I had bacon for lunch.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Liz W. from Roanoke, Virgina asks, “Mr. Answerman, I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 5 months and he still has his ex-girlfriend’s lingerie in our bedroom closet. I told him “it’s got to go”, but he says I’m “over-reacting”. Thoughts?

By the way, have you checked to see if the lingerie is your boyfriend’s size?

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Betsy,

Question:

What is, flying to the Philippines and telling the customs agent, “I’ve got a kilo of heroin stuffed in my colon and I’m looking to party with some of them hairless boys.”

Answer:

A better decision than marrying the guy who once dated a pillow case.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Kerrie W. from Hartford CT. asks, “Mr. Answerman, this is my boyfriend, Dave, and his dog. I love Dave and he loves me but I hate his dog and I’m pretty sure his dog hates me. Do this relationship have a future?

Dear Kerrie, let me break this down for you in a way that’s simple to understand:

Girlfriend Dog

Moody and unpredictable Always happy to see you.

Demands your undivided attention Always happy to see you.

Expects a lifelong commitment Always happy to see you.

Start working on that eHarmony page, you just got replaced by an animal that licks it’s own ball sack.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Sheryl V. from Covington, Kentucky writes: “Dear Answerman, my husband and I are traveling to my neice’s wedding at great expense. Are we still required to give a present?”

Love.

Poppy

email your questions to: justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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