The Answer Man
I am Poppy and I offer the best advice you never wanted. Email me a question at poppyadvice[at]gmail.com
Category Archives: Humor
Feelings
Anthony S. from Buffalo, NY asks, “Dear Answerman, how can I tell the difference between sadness and depression?”
Dear Anthony, “Sadness” is going to Atlantic City, gambling with your rent money, losing and spending your last $45 on a street walker named “Cinnamon Jones”.
“Depression” is finding out that you’ve just handed $45 to a cross-dressing, vice cop named Paul.
I hope this clears up the confusion.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Beauty
Carissa M, from Prescott, Arizona asks, “Dear Answerman, my friends say that I should break up with my boyfriend because he isn’t hot enough for me. I think they’re right, but he’s such a nice guy. What should I do?”
Dear Carissa, “hotness” is a hard thing to quantify, but luckily, being shallow is not. Please break up with him, it’ll be nicest thing you’ve done for another person, since the night you blew that cab driver because you were out of cash.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Marathon Man
Keith R. from Oak Ridge, Tennessee asks, “Dear Answerman, I run a lot of marathons, but the only way I can run fast times is to run behind a woman with a really tight ass and fantasize about her the whole way. Does that make me a pervert?”
Dear Keith, only if you cross the finish line and find out that the tight ass you’ve been chasing for 26 miles belongs to a 16 year old boy.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Climate.
Dan M. from Dodge City Kansas asks, “Dear Answerman, I say climate change is fake, what do you think?”
Dear Dan, it’s obvious that you are a man who does his research and knows right from wrong, so let’s take a look at some of your other wise choices.
The home-made hot tub that overheated, boiled your testicles and rendered you infertile.
That tattoo that expresses your love for a band that wrote “Something in Your Mouth.” (you’re so much cooler when you leave it in your mouth/’cuz you look so much cuter with something in your mouth.) Nothing says “classy” like a song about blowjobs.
The time your friends said, “Hey who wants to stand on their head, put lightbulbs in their underwear, spread their legs and drop a wooden stepladder on their nut sack?” And you replied, “Pick me!”
Is climate change for real? It’s as real as the glass shards embedded in your taint.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
The One.
Tabitha M. from Lima, Ohio asks, “Dear Poppy, my boyfriend Todd is perfect. He’s funny, smart and sexy, I think he’s the one, but how can I be 100% sure?”
Tabitha, cheap chardonnay, Prozac and Fifty Shades of Grey were created for women who were “100% sure” they were marrying the “perfect” guy. If you’re looking for 100% sure, always assume the NY Jets will suck and you’ll never be disappointed.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Size Matters.
Ronnie Z. from Farmington, New Mexico asks, “Dear Answerman, how important is penis size?”
Dear Ronnie, The importance of penis size is something I’m asked quite often. Women lie, men are confused, unjustices happen. To end this controversy once and for all, I’ve put together this easy to understand graph that explains it in layman’s terms.
Don’t bother thanking me.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Hooking
Yvonne K. from Davenport, Iowa asks, “Dear Answerman, I recently graduated college and I’ve been covering my living expenses and college loans by working as an escort. My parents expect me to go to law school, so if they find out they will explode. What should I do?”
Dear Yvonne, prostitution is a noble profession. You’re bringing joy and happiness to lonely men, whose wives are repulsed by them. And, if you think about it, the only difference between you and a lawyer is that lawyers won’t kiss their clients as they fuck them.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Sexual Healing
Daltry M, from Montrose, Colorado asks, “Dear Answerman, I’m pretty sure that my girlfriend is only into me because I satisify her sexually, but honestly it leaves me feeling used and empty. What do you think?”
Dear Daltry, have you ever laughed so hard that a little bit of poop sneaks out of your butt? That just happened when I read your question. If you’re looking for a meaningful relationship get a dog.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Love Times Two
Jerry M, from Camden, Maine asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, is it possible to sustain a loving relationship with two people at the same time?”
Dear Jerry, yes, IF you fit into one of these categories:
A) These two people never find out about each other.
B) You become a fundementalist Mormon and give polygomy a shot.
C) One of these people is a webcam girl named Savannah and the other is your mommy.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
The Answer Man 