sex | The Answer Man | Page 3

Tag Archives: sex

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advice, advice column, Humor

Beauty

Carissa M, from Prescott, Arizona asks, “Dear Answerman, my friends say that I should break up with my boyfriend because he isn’t hot enough for me. I think they’re right, but he’s such a nice guy. What should I do?”

Dear Carissa, “hotness” is a hard thing to quantify, but luckily, being shallow is not. Please break up with him, it’ll be nicest thing you’ve done for another person, since the night you blew that cab driver because you were out of cash.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, bitch, boyfriend, break-up, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, funny, girlfriend, hot, hotness, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, poppy, relationship, sarcastic, sex, shallow, stupid, truth

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Marathon Man

Keith R. from Oak Ridge, Tennessee asks, “Dear Answerman, I run a lot of marathons, but the only way I can run fast times is to run behind a woman with a really tight ass and fantasize about her the whole way. Does that make me a pervert?”

Dear Keith, only if you cross the finish line and find out that the tight ass you’ve been chasing for 26 miles belongs to a 16 year old boy.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, ass, athlete, comedy, creepy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, funny, hot ass, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, marathon, penis, pervert, poppy, relationship, runner, sarcastic, sex, stupid, sweet ass, truth, workout

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The One.

Tabitha M. from Lima, Ohio asks, “Dear Poppy, my boyfriend Todd is perfect. He’s funny, smart and sexy, I think he’s the one, but how can I be 100% sure?”

Tabitha, cheap chardonnay, Prozac and Fifty Shades of Grey were created for women who were “100% sure” they were marrying the “perfect” guy. If you’re looking for 100% sure, always assume the NY Jets will suck and you’ll never be disappointed.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged 100%, advice, advice column, boyfriend, comedy, dark humor, disappoint, dog, dumb, funny, girlfriend, hilarous, Horrible, humor, idiot, jokes, laugh, love, one true love, Perfect, poppy, relationship, sex, stupid, Suck, true love, truth, wife

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advice, advice column, Humor

Size Matters.

Ronnie Z. from Farmington, New Mexico asks, “Dear Answerman, how important is penis size?”

Dear Ronnie, The importance of penis size is something I’m asked quite often. Women lie, men are confused, unjustices happen. To end this controversy once and for all, I’ve put together this easy to understand graph that explains it in layman’s terms.

Don’t bother thanking me.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, boyfriend, Confused, Confusion, Corey Feldman, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, funny, girlfriend, humor, idiot, Importance, Important, laugh, loser, love, penis, Penis Size, poppy, relationship, Ryan Gosling, sarcastic, sex, stupid, truth

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Hooking

Yvonne K. from Davenport, Iowa asks, “Dear Answerman, I recently graduated college and I’ve been covering my living expenses and college loans by working as an escort. My parents expect me to go to law school, so if they find out they will explode. What should I do?”

Dear Yvonne, prostitution is a noble profession. You’re bringing joy and happiness to lonely men, whose wives are repulsed by them. And, if you think about it, the only difference between you and a lawyer is that lawyers won’t kiss their clients as they fuck them.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, angry, college loan, comedy, dad, dark comedy, dog, dumb, father, funny, happiness, humor, idiot, joy, law school, lawyer, loser, love, parents, penis, poppy, prostitute, prostitution, relationship, sarcastic, sex, stupid, truth, wife

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advice, advice column, Humor

Sexual Healing

Daltry M, from Montrose, Colorado asks, “Dear Answerman, I’m pretty sure that my girlfriend is only into me because I satisify her sexually, but honestly it leaves me feeling used and empty. What do you think?”

Dear Daltry, have you ever laughed so hard that a little bit of poop sneaks out of your butt? That just happened when I read your question. If you’re looking for a meaningful relationship get a dog.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, boyfriend, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dog butt, dumb, empty, funny, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, poop, poppy, relationship, sarcastic, sex, stupid, truth, used

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advice, advice column, Humor

Unsung Heros

I wanted to take a break from offering advice and give a shout-out to the unsung inventions that make life, livable.

1) The Porto Potty Urinal.

Men are animals. They will pee on/in anything (including, but not limited to, glove compartments, refrigerator crisper drawers and unsuspecting hookers). Men are why the Porto Potty Urinal needed to be invented and is irrefutable proof that God, is a woman.

2) Air conditioning.

Huntsville Alabama, August 1924. Men wearing wool suits and hats. Women in granny panties. Oppressive humidity. No air conditioning. Unless you’re turned on by the smell of fried onions, I don’t know how people got past each other’s body odor long enough to procreate.

3) Frosty Paws by Purina.

Peanut butter flavored ice cream doesn’t make up for castrating the one living thing that is actually happy to see you…but it’s a beginning.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged A/C, advice, advice column, air, air condtioning, boyfriend, comedy, dark humor, dog, dog butt, dumb, funny, girlfriend, hot, humidity, humor, ice cream, idea, idiot, invention, inventions, laugh, loser, love, peanut butter, penis, poppy, port o potty, portopotty, sarcastic, sex, stupid, sweaty, truth, urinal, wife

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advice, advice column, Humor

The Dream

Howard W. from Jeffersonville, Indiana writes, “Answerman, I love sex, so my dream is to go into porn and get paid to bust nuts like a squirrel in an acorn patch! What you think? Peace. Out.”

Howard, the world needs people like you. People who follow their dreams. People who walk to a different drummer. People who will have sex on camera and contract genital warts just so strangers can watch and masturbate.

Never let that dream die Howard. Never let it die.

Peace. Out.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dream, dumb, follow your dream, funny, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, masturbate, penis, poppy, porn, sarcastic, sex, stupid, truth

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