Daltry M, from Montrose, Colorado asks, “Dear Answerman, I’m pretty sure that my girlfriend is only into me because I satisify her sexually, but honestly it leaves me feeling used and empty. What do you think?”
Dear Daltry, have you ever laughed so hard that a little bit of poop sneaks out of your butt? That just happened when I read your question. If you’re looking for a meaningful relationship get a dog.
Michael M. from Gulf Breeze, Florida asks, “Mr. Answerman, what do you think of humans who buy dogs that look like themselves?”
Dear Michael, this is a free country and you should be able to do whatever you want, but you have to ask yourself, what kind of a mega-narcissistic ass would buy a dog that reminds them of themselves?
Howard W. from Jeffersonville, Indiana writes, “Answerman, I love sex, so my dream is to go into porn and get paid to bust nuts like a squirrel in an acorn patch! What you think? Peace. Out.”
Howard, the world needs people like you. People who follow their dreams. People who walk to a different drummer. People who will have sex on camera and contract genital warts just so strangers can watch and masturbate.
Never let that dream die Howard. Never let it die.
Chad F. (aka “Da Silver Krackah”) from Minnetonka, Minnesota asks, “Yo Answerman, why should I listen to anything you have to say? I’m a man and you a damn dog. You should be listening to my ass bitch! Silver Krackah be keeping it real!”
Dear Chad, why should you listen to me? Because you are a douchebag.
Arlene from Beaumont, Texas asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my boyfriend tells me he cares about me, but I only see him when he comes by my apartment late at night. My friends say I’m a “booty call”. What do you think?”
Dear Arelene, if he leaves an envelope with cash on your bed-side table, I would say you’re a “hooker”. If he just leaves, then I’d go with “booty call”.
Liz W. from Roanoke, Virgina asks, “Mr. Answerman, I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 5 months and he still has his ex-girlfriend’s lingerie in our bedroom closet. I told him “it’s got to go”, but he says I’m “over-reacting”. Thoughts?
Liz, “overreacting” is screaming at your boyfriend’s mother, “you are a skanky, ho-bag, sea donkey!”, because she greets him with a hug and kiss. I’d say if anything, living with someone else’s underwear in your closet means you have “low self-esteem” mixed with an unhealthy dollop of “abandonment issues” …or as I like to call it “The Stripper Complex”.
By the way, have you checked to see if the lingerie is your boyfriend’s size?
Bonnie W. from Danfield, Connecticut writes, “Dear Poppy, on the way home from work a cat ran out in front of my car and I hit him. I immediately pulled over to check on him, but he was dead and he didn’t have any tags so I couldn’t call the owners and let them know what happened. I feel horrible.”
Bonnie, I’m sorry you feel horrible, but you shouldn’t. Cat’s are assholes. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if the one you hit was actually commiting suicide.
The Answer Man 