sarcastic | The Answer Man

Nov 26 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Size Matters.

Ronnie Z. from Farmington, New Mexico asks, “Dear Answerman, how important is penis size?”

Dear Ronnie, The importance of penis size is something I’m asked quite often. Women lie, men are confused, unjustices happen. To end this controversy once and for all, I’ve put together this easy to understand graph that explains it in layman’s terms.

Don’t bother thanking me.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, boyfriend, Confused, Confusion, Corey Feldman, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, funny, girlfriend, humor, idiot, Importance, Important, laugh, loser, love, penis, Penis Size, poppy, relationship, Ryan Gosling, sarcastic, sex, stupid, truth

Nov 25 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Hooking

Yvonne K. from Davenport, Iowa asks, “Dear Answerman, I recently graduated college and I’ve been covering my living expenses and college loans by working as an escort. My parents expect me to go to law school, so if they find out they will explode. What should I do?”

Dear Yvonne, prostitution is a noble profession. You’re bringing joy and happiness to lonely men, whose wives are repulsed by them. And, if you think about it, the only difference between you and a lawyer is that lawyers won’t kiss their clients as they fuck them.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, angry, college loan, comedy, dad, dark comedy, dog, dumb, father, funny, happiness, humor, idiot, joy, law school, lawyer, loser, love, parents, penis, poppy, prostitute, prostitution, relationship, sarcastic, sex, stupid, truth, wife

Nov 24 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Sexual Healing

Daltry M, from Montrose, Colorado asks, “Dear Answerman, I’m pretty sure that my girlfriend is only into me because I satisify her sexually, but honestly it leaves me feeling used and empty. What do you think?”

Dear Daltry, have you ever laughed so hard that a little bit of poop sneaks out of your butt? That just happened when I read your question. If you’re looking for a meaningful relationship get a dog.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, boyfriend, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dog butt, dumb, empty, funny, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, poop, poppy, relationship, sarcastic, sex, stupid, truth, used

Nov 24 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Love Times Two

Jerry M, from Camden, Maine asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, is it possible to sustain a loving relationship with two people at the same time?”

Dear Jerry, yes, IF you fit into one of these categories:

A) These two people never find out about each other.

B) You become a fundementalist Mormon and give polygomy a shot.

C) One of these people is a webcam girl named Savannah and the other is your mommy.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, boyfriend, cheater, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, funny, humor, idiot, laugh, love, loving relationship, mommy, Mormon, polygamy, poppy, relationship, sarcastic, stupid, truth, webcam girl, wife

Nov 20 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Unsung Heros

I wanted to take a break from offering advice and give a shout-out to the unsung inventions that make life, livable.

1) The Porto Potty Urinal.

Men are animals. They will pee on/in anything (including, but not limited to, glove compartments, refrigerator crisper drawers and unsuspecting hookers). Men are why the Porto Potty Urinal needed to be invented and is irrefutable proof that God, is a woman.

2) Air conditioning.

Huntsville Alabama, August 1924. Men wearing wool suits and hats. Women in granny panties. Oppressive humidity. No air conditioning. Unless you’re turned on by the smell of fried onions, I don’t know how people got past each other’s body odor long enough to procreate.

3) Frosty Paws by Purina.

Peanut butter flavored ice cream doesn’t make up for castrating the one living thing that is actually happy to see you…but it’s a beginning.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged A/C, advice, advice column, air, air condtioning, boyfriend, comedy, dark humor, dog, dog butt, dumb, funny, girlfriend, hot, humidity, humor, ice cream, idea, idiot, invention, inventions, laugh, loser, love, peanut butter, penis, poppy, port o potty, portopotty, sarcastic, sex, stupid, sweaty, truth, urinal, wife

Nov 20 2014

1 Comment

advice, advice column, Humor

Gremlin

Rebecca R. from Los Angeles, California asks, “Dear Answerman, has anyone ever told you look a lot like Spike from Gremlins? Warm Regards, Rebecca”

Dear Rebecca, everyone has a doppelgänger. Perhaps mine is a character from a popular 80’s movie, while yours would be a keg of beer with a Jewfro.

Warm Regards,

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark humor, dog, doppelgänger, dumb, funny, Gremlin, Gremlins, humor, idiot, laugh, lookalike, loser, love, poppy, sarcastic, Spike, stupid, truth, twin

Nov 20 2014

3 Comments

advice, advice column, Humor

Voyeur

John H. from Kokomo, Indiana asks, “Dear Answerman, my dog likes to sit at the end of the bed and watch my wife and I have sex, which freaks me out. But if I kick him out he just sits outside the bedroom door and cries, which makes it hard to get my happy-happy on. What should I do?”

Dear John, not to brag, but I once had sex in Time’s Square, with a fire truck screaming by and a homeless guy singing “Wrecking Ball” to a can of Schlitz three feet away….and I never broke stride. Maybe the problem isn’t your dog, but Mr. Happy-Happy.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, funny, girlfriend, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, penis, poppy, sarcastic, stupid, truth, wife

Aug 27 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Twins

Michael M. from Gulf Breeze, Florida asks, “Mr. Answerman, what do you think of humans who buy dogs that look like themselves?”

Dear Michael, this is a free country and you should be able to do whatever you want, but you have to ask yourself, what kind of a mega-narcissistic ass would buy a dog that reminds them of themselves?

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, ego, egoist, egomaniac, funny, humor, idiot, laugh, narcissist, narcissistic, oprah, poppy, sarcastic, stupid, truth, twins

Aug 14 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Choices

Savanah H. from Duluth, Georgia asks, “Dear Answerman, I’m 43, divorced and just getting back into the dating pool. What’s the best way to attract men, cleavage or side boob?”

Dear Savanah, it is not your ample bosom that will entice your soul mate, but rather, the strength of your character, the depth of your inner beauty, and ultimately, your endless humanity…just kidding, side boob.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, beauty, boobs, boyfriend, breast, breasts, cleavage, comedy, dark humor, divorce, divorced, dog, dumb, endless beauty, funny, heart, humanity, humor, idiot, inner beauty, laugh, love, penis, poppy, sarcastic, side boob, soul mate, stupid, tit, tits, truth

Jul 27 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

The Dream

Howard W. from Jeffersonville, Indiana writes, “Answerman, I love sex, so my dream is to go into porn and get paid to bust nuts like a squirrel in an acorn patch! What you think? Peace. Out.”

Howard, the world needs people like you. People who follow their dreams. People who walk to a different drummer. People who will have sex on camera and contract genital warts just so strangers can watch and masturbate.

Never let that dream die Howard. Never let it die.

Peace. Out.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dream, dumb, follow your dream, funny, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, masturbate, penis, poppy, porn, sarcastic, sex, stupid, truth

I am Poppy and I offer the best advice you never wanted. Email me a question at poppyadvice[at]gmail.com

Tag Archives: sarcastic

Ronnie Z. from Farmington, New Mexico asks, “Dear Answerman, how important is penis size?”

Dear Ronnie, The importance of penis size is something I’m asked quite often. Women lie, men are confused, unjustices happen. To end this controversy once and for all, I’ve put together this easy to understand graph that explains it in layman’s terms.

Don’t bother thanking me.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Yvonne K. from Davenport, Iowa asks, “Dear Answerman, I recently graduated college and I’ve been covering my living expenses and college loans by working as an escort. My parents expect me to go to law school, so if they find out they will explode. What should I do?”

Dear Yvonne, prostitution is a noble profession. You’re bringing joy and happiness to lonely men, whose wives are repulsed by them. And, if you think about it, the only difference between you and a lawyer is that lawyers won’t kiss their clients as they fuck them.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Daltry M, from Montrose, Colorado asks, “Dear Answerman, I’m pretty sure that my girlfriend is only into me because I satisify her sexually, but honestly it leaves me feeling used and empty. What do you think?”

Dear Daltry, have you ever laughed so hard that a little bit of poop sneaks out of your butt? That just happened when I read your question. If you’re looking for a meaningful relationship get a dog.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Jerry M, from Camden, Maine asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, is it possible to sustain a loving relationship with two people at the same time?”

Dear Jerry, yes, IF you fit into one of these categories:

A) These two people never find out about each other.

B) You become a fundementalist Mormon and give polygomy a shot.

C) One of these people is a webcam girl named Savannah and the other is your mommy.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

I wanted to take a break from offering advice and give a shout-out to the unsung inventions that make life, livable.

1) The Porto Potty Urinal.

Men are animals. They will pee on/in anything (including, but not limited to, glove compartments, refrigerator crisper drawers and unsuspecting hookers). Men are why the Porto Potty Urinal needed to be invented and is irrefutable proof that God, is a woman.

2) Air conditioning.

Huntsville Alabama, August 1924. Men wearing wool suits and hats. Women in granny panties. Oppressive humidity. No air conditioning. Unless you’re turned on by the smell of fried onions, I don’t know how people got past each other’s body odor long enough to procreate.

3) Frosty Paws by Purina.

Peanut butter flavored ice cream doesn’t make up for castrating the one living thing that is actually happy to see you…but it’s a beginning.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Rebecca R. from Los Angeles, California asks, “Dear Answerman, has anyone ever told you look a lot like Spike from Gremlins? Warm Regards, Rebecca”

Dear Rebecca, everyone has a doppelgänger. Perhaps mine is a character from a popular 80’s movie, while yours would be a keg of beer with a Jewfro.

Warm Regards,

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

John H. from Kokomo, Indiana asks, “Dear Answerman, my dog likes to sit at the end of the bed and watch my wife and I have sex, which freaks me out. But if I kick him out he just sits outside the bedroom door and cries, which makes it hard to get my happy-happy on. What should I do?”

Dear John, not to brag, but I once had sex in Time’s Square, with a fire truck screaming by and a homeless guy singing “Wrecking Ball” to a can of Schlitz three feet away….and I never broke stride. Maybe the problem isn’t your dog, but Mr. Happy-Happy.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Michael M. from Gulf Breeze, Florida asks, “Mr. Answerman, what do you think of humans who buy dogs that look like themselves?”

Dear Michael, this is a free country and you should be able to do whatever you want, but you have to ask yourself, what kind of a mega-narcissistic ass would buy a dog that reminds them of themselves?

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Savanah H. from Duluth, Georgia asks, “Dear Answerman, I’m 43, divorced and just getting back into the dating pool. What’s the best way to attract men, cleavage or side boob?”

Dear Savanah, it is not your ample bosom that will entice your soul mate, but rather, the strength of your character, the depth of your inner beauty, and ultimately, your endless humanity…just kidding, side boob.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Howard W. from Jeffersonville, Indiana writes, “Answerman, I love sex, so my dream is to go into porn and get paid to bust nuts like a squirrel in an acorn patch! What you think? Peace. Out.”

Howard, the world needs people like you. People who follow their dreams. People who walk to a different drummer. People who will have sex on camera and contract genital warts just so strangers can watch and masturbate.

Never let that dream die Howard. Never let it die.

Peace. Out.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this: