Dan M. from Dodge City Kansas asks, “Dear Answerman, I say climate change is fake, what do you think?”
Dear Dan, it’s obvious that you are a man who does his research and knows right from wrong, so let’s take a look at some of your other wise choices.
The home-made hot tub that overheated, boiled your testicles and rendered you infertile.
That tattoo that expresses your love for a band that wrote “Something in Your Mouth.” (you’re so much cooler when you leave it in your mouth/’cuz you look so much cuter with something in your mouth.) Nothing says “classy” like a song about blowjobs.
The time your friends said, “Hey who wants to stand on their head, put lightbulbs in their underwear, spread their legs and drop a wooden stepladder on their nut sack?” And you replied, “Pick me!”
Is climate change for real? It’s as real as the glass shards embedded in your taint.
Tabitha M. from Lima, Ohio asks, “Dear Poppy, my boyfriend Todd is perfect. He’s funny, smart and sexy, I think he’s the one, but how can I be 100% sure?”
Tabitha, cheap chardonnay, Prozac and Fifty Shades of Grey were created for women who were “100% sure” they were marrying the “perfect” guy. If you’re looking for 100% sure, always assume the NY Jets will suck and you’ll never be disappointed.
Ronnie Z. from Farmington, New Mexico asks, “Dear Answerman, how important is penis size?”
Dear Ronnie, The importance of penis size is something I’m asked quite often. Women lie, men are confused, unjustices happen. To end this controversy once and for all, I’ve put together this easy to understand graph that explains it in layman’s terms.
Yvonne K. from Davenport, Iowa asks, “Dear Answerman, I recently graduated college and I’ve been covering my living expenses and college loans by working as an escort. My parents expect me to go to law school, so if they find out they will explode. What should I do?”
Dear Yvonne, prostitution is a noble profession. You’re bringing joy and happiness to lonely men, whose wives are repulsed by them. And, if you think about it, the only difference between you and a lawyer is that lawyers won’t kiss their clients as they fuck them.
Daltry M, from Montrose, Colorado asks, “Dear Answerman, I’m pretty sure that my girlfriend is only into me because I satisify her sexually, but honestly it leaves me feeling used and empty. What do you think?”
Dear Daltry, have you ever laughed so hard that a little bit of poop sneaks out of your butt? That just happened when I read your question. If you’re looking for a meaningful relationship get a dog.
I wanted to take a break from offering advice and give a shout-out to the unsung inventions that make life, livable.
1) The Porto Potty Urinal.
Men are animals. They will pee on/in anything (including, but not limited to, glove compartments, refrigerator crisper drawers and unsuspecting hookers). Men are why the Porto Potty Urinal needed to be invented and is irrefutable proof that God, is a woman.
2) Air conditioning.
Huntsville Alabama, August 1924. Men wearing wool suits and hats. Women in granny panties. Oppressive humidity. No air conditioning. Unless you’re turned on by the smell of fried onions, I don’t know how people got past each other’s body odor long enough to procreate.
3) Frosty Paws by Purina.
Peanut butter flavored ice cream doesn’t make up for castrating the one living thing that is actually happy to see you…but it’s a beginning.
John H. from Kokomo, Indiana asks, “Dear Answerman, my dog likes to sit at the end of the bed and watch my wife and I have sex, which freaks me out. But if I kick him out he just sits outside the bedroom door and cries, which makes it hard to get my happy-happy on. What should I do?”
Dear John, not to brag, but I once had sex in Time’s Square, with a fire truck screaming by and a homeless guy singing “Wrecking Ball” to a can of Schlitz three feet away….and I never broke stride. Maybe the problem isn’t your dog, but Mr. Happy-Happy.
Michael M. from Gulf Breeze, Florida asks, “Mr. Answerman, what do you think of humans who buy dogs that look like themselves?”
Dear Michael, this is a free country and you should be able to do whatever you want, but you have to ask yourself, what kind of a mega-narcissistic ass would buy a dog that reminds them of themselves?
The Answer Man 