The Answer Man
I am Poppy and I offer the best advice you never wanted. Email me a question at poppyadvice[at]gmail.com
Tag Archives: boyfriend
Love Times Two
Jerry M, from Camden, Maine asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, is it possible to sustain a loving relationship with two people at the same time?”
Dear Jerry, yes, IF you fit into one of these categories:
A) These two people never find out about each other.
B) You become a fundementalist Mormon and give polygomy a shot.
C) One of these people is a webcam girl named Savannah and the other is your mommy.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Unsung Heros
I wanted to take a break from offering advice and give a shout-out to the unsung inventions that make life, livable.
1) The Porto Potty Urinal.
Men are animals. They will pee on/in anything (including, but not limited to, glove compartments, refrigerator crisper drawers and unsuspecting hookers). Men are why the Porto Potty Urinal needed to be invented and is irrefutable proof that God, is a woman.
2) Air conditioning.
Huntsville Alabama, August 1924. Men wearing wool suits and hats. Women in granny panties. Oppressive humidity. No air conditioning. Unless you’re turned on by the smell of fried onions, I don’t know how people got past each other’s body odor long enough to procreate.
3) Frosty Paws by Purina.
Peanut butter flavored ice cream doesn’t make up for castrating the one living thing that is actually happy to see you…but it’s a beginning.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Choices
Savanah H. from Duluth, Georgia asks, “Dear Answerman, I’m 43, divorced and just getting back into the dating pool. What’s the best way to attract men, cleavage or side boob?”
Dear Savanah, it is not your ample bosom that will entice your soul mate, but rather, the strength of your character, the depth of your inner beauty, and ultimately, your endless humanity…just kidding, side boob.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Call
Arlene from Beaumont, Texas asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my boyfriend tells me he cares about me, but I only see him when he comes by my apartment late at night. My friends say I’m a “booty call”. What do you think?”
Dear Arelene, if he leaves an envelope with cash on your bed-side table, I would say you’re a “hooker”. If he just leaves, then I’d go with “booty call”.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Lingerie
Liz W. from Roanoke, Virgina asks, “Mr. Answerman, I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 5 months and he still has his ex-girlfriend’s lingerie in our bedroom closet. I told him “it’s got to go”, but he says I’m “over-reacting”. Thoughts?
Liz, “overreacting” is screaming at your boyfriend’s mother, “you are a skanky, ho-bag, sea donkey!”, because she greets him with a hug and kiss. I’d say if anything, living with someone else’s underwear in your closet means you have “low self-esteem” mixed with an unhealthy dollop of “abandonment issues” …or as I like to call it “The Stripper Complex”.
By the way, have you checked to see if the lingerie is your boyfriend’s size?
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Breakup
Betsy R. from Vicksburg, Mississippi writes, “Dear Mr. Answerman, I just moved in with my fiancé and I found this picture of him in the back of a drawer. When I asked him about it, he said he was in love with this “waifu” pillow a long time ago, but it’s over. He’s a super nice guy, but I’m having second thoughts about marrying him, what do you think?”
Betsy,
Question:
What is, flying to the Philippines and telling the customs agent, “I’ve got a kilo of heroin stuffed in my colon and I’m looking to party with some of them hairless boys.”
Answer:
A better decision than marrying the guy who once dated a pillow case.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Hard Choice
Kerrie W. from Hartford CT. asks, “Mr. Answerman, this is my boyfriend, Dave, and his dog. I love Dave and he loves me but I hate his dog and I’m pretty sure his dog hates me. Do this relationship have a future?
Dear Kerrie, let me break this down for you in a way that’s simple to understand:
Girlfriend Dog
Moody and unpredictable Always happy to see you.
Demands your undivided attention Always happy to see you.
Expects a lifelong commitment Always happy to see you.
Start working on that eHarmony page, you just got replaced by an animal that licks it’s own ball sack.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
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