comedy | The Answer Man

Jul 10 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Lingerie

Liz W. from Roanoke, Virgina asks, “Mr. Answerman, I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 5 months and he still has his ex-girlfriend’s lingerie in our bedroom closet. I told him “it’s got to go”, but he says I’m “over-reacting”. Thoughts?

Liz, “overreacting” is screaming at your boyfriend’s mother, “you are a skanky, ho-bag, sea donkey!”, because she greets him with a hug and kiss. I’d say if anything, living with someone else’s underwear in your closet means you have “low self-esteem” mixed with an unhealthy dollop of “abandonment issues” …or as I like to call it “The Stripper Complex”.

By the way, have you checked to see if the lingerie is your boyfriend’s size?

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, Bill Gates, boyfriend, comedy, cross-dressing, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, ex-girlfriend, funny, girlfriend, idiot, jealous, laugh, lingerie, loser, love, penis, poppy, rich, sarcastic, stupid, truth, vibrator, wealthy

Jul 05 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Wise

Sofia N. from Waimea, Hawaii asks, “Mr. Answerman, how did you get so wise and insightful?”

Sofia, I don’t think of myself as wise or insightful. I prefer “God-lite”, but thanks for asking.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, arrogant, comedy, Complement, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, funny, God, humor, Insightful, laugh, poppy, sarcastic, truth, Wise

Jul 05 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Cats

Bonnie W. from Danfield, Connecticut writes, “Dear Poppy, on the way home from work a cat ran out in front of my car and I hit him. I immediately pulled over to check on him, but he was dead and he didn’t have any tags so I couldn’t call the owners and let them know what happened. I feel horrible.”

Bonnie, I’m sorry you feel horrible, but you shouldn’t. Cat’s are assholes. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if the one you hit was actually commiting suicide.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, asshole, assholes, cat, cats, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dead, death, funny, guilt, guilty, humor, idiot, killed, laugh, run over, sarcastic, truth

Jun 30 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Breakup

Betsy R. from Vicksburg, Mississippi writes, “Dear Mr. Answerman, I just moved in with my fiancé and I found this picture of him in the back of a drawer. When I asked him about it, he said he was in love with this “waifu” pillow a long time ago, but it’s over. He’s a super nice guy, but I’m having second thoughts about marrying him, what do you think?”

Betsy,

Question:

What is, flying to the Philippines and telling the customs agent, “I’ve got a kilo of heroin stuffed in my colon and I’m looking to party with some of them hairless boys.”

Answer:

A better decision than marrying the guy who once dated a pillow case.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, anime, boyfriend, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, fiancee, funny, girlfriend, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, Philippines, poppy, sarcastic, stupid, truth, waifu, waifu pillow, wife

Jun 26 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Hard Choice

Kerrie W. from Hartford CT. asks, “Mr. Answerman, this is my boyfriend, Dave, and his dog. I love Dave and he loves me but I hate his dog and I’m pretty sure his dog hates me. Do this relationship have a future?

Dear Kerrie, let me break this down for you in a way that’s simple to understand:

Girlfriend Dog

Moody and unpredictable Always happy to see you.

Demands your undivided attention Always happy to see you.

Expects a lifelong commitment Always happy to see you.

Start working on that eHarmony page, you just got replaced by an animal that licks it’s own ball sack.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, boyfriend, break-up, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, funny, girlfriend, humor, love, poppy, relationship, sarcastic, stupid, truth

Jun 07 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Spanked

Emma W. from Sparks, Nevada writes: “Dear Answerman, my daughter won’t spank my 9 year old grandson and he’s turning into a brat. Is it okay for me to spank him when he stays over?”

Dear Emma, only if you level the playing field by giving him a 30 second running head start and a taser gun.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, coporal punishment, dark comedy, dark humor, daughter, dog, dumb, funny, grandmother, grandson, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, poppy, punish, punishment, sarcastic, spank, stupid, taser gun, wife

Jun 03 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Wedding Gift

Sheryl V. from Covington, Kentucky writes: “Dear Answerman, my husband and I are traveling to my neice’s wedding at great expense. Are we still required to give a present?”

Sheryl, I understand how you’d want to block out the memory of your own wedding day. Not many women can claim they married the guy who proposed by saying, “I guess I need to buy the cow now that I had ass-sex with it.” But I’m sure all your “kin-folk”, even the ones who traveled at “great expense” brought you gifts (i.e. live chickens, motor oil and an IUD). Be a class act, get them a gift that doesn’t have a screw cap.

Love.

Poppy

email your questions to: justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, engaged, engagement, funny, gift, humor, love, marriage, married, poppy, present, sarcastic, stupid, wedding, wedding gift, wedding present, wife

May 31 2014

1 Comment

Humor

Big Bird

No one asked, but if Big Bird pimped Miss Piggy, this is how he would dress.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged big bird, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, funny, humor, idiot, miss piggy, muppets, pimp, poppy, sarcastic, truth

May 29 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Naked.

Caren B, from Fort Wayne, Indiana writes: Dear Answerman, I’m 16 and my father says he has to walk around nude to dry his hemorrhoids. I’m disgusted, what should I do?

Caren, simple solution to your problem. Next time he decides to publicly air dry his hemorrhoids say in a very loud voice to your mother, “Mom, does it bother you that dad is hung like a light switch?”

Love.

Poppy

email your questions to: justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dad, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, father, funny, gift, hemorrhoids, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, naked, penis, poppy, present, sarcastic, small penis, truth, wife

May 29 2014

2 Comments

Humor

Ignored

Carol G, from St. Petersburg, Florida writes, “Dear Poppy, my husband and I just returned from vacation and my dog Amira is ignoring me. She doesn’t hold a grudge against my husband, just me. What should I do?”

Dear Carol, you have nothing to worry about unless your husband’s private area suddenly takes on the feint odor of Snausages™.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, funny, humor, husband, laugh, penis, poppy, sarcastic, truth, wife

I am Poppy and I offer the best advice you never wanted. Email me a question at poppyadvice[at]gmail.com

Tag Archives: comedy

Liz W. from Roanoke, Virgina asks, “Mr. Answerman, I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 5 months and he still has his ex-girlfriend’s lingerie in our bedroom closet. I told him “it’s got to go”, but he says I’m “over-reacting”. Thoughts?

By the way, have you checked to see if the lingerie is your boyfriend’s size?

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Sofia N. from Waimea, Hawaii asks, “Mr. Answerman, how did you get so wise and insightful?”

Sofia, I don’t think of myself as wise or insightful. I prefer “God-lite”, but thanks for asking.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Bonnie, I’m sorry you feel horrible, but you shouldn’t. Cat’s are assholes. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if the one you hit was actually commiting suicide.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Betsy,

Question:

What is, flying to the Philippines and telling the customs agent, “I’ve got a kilo of heroin stuffed in my colon and I’m looking to party with some of them hairless boys.”

Answer:

A better decision than marrying the guy who once dated a pillow case.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Kerrie W. from Hartford CT. asks, “Mr. Answerman, this is my boyfriend, Dave, and his dog. I love Dave and he loves me but I hate his dog and I’m pretty sure his dog hates me. Do this relationship have a future?

Dear Kerrie, let me break this down for you in a way that’s simple to understand:

Girlfriend Dog

Moody and unpredictable Always happy to see you.

Demands your undivided attention Always happy to see you.

Expects a lifelong commitment Always happy to see you.

Start working on that eHarmony page, you just got replaced by an animal that licks it’s own ball sack.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Emma W. from Sparks, Nevada writes: “Dear Answerman, my daughter won’t spank my 9 year old grandson and he’s turning into a brat. Is it okay for me to spank him when he stays over?”

Dear Emma, only if you level the playing field by giving him a 30 second running head start and a taser gun.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Sheryl V. from Covington, Kentucky writes: “Dear Answerman, my husband and I are traveling to my neice’s wedding at great expense. Are we still required to give a present?”

Love.

Poppy

email your questions to: justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

No one asked, but if Big Bird pimped Miss Piggy, this is how he would dress.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Caren B, from Fort Wayne, Indiana writes: Dear Answerman, I’m 16 and my father says he has to walk around nude to dry his hemorrhoids. I’m disgusted, what should I do?

Caren, simple solution to your problem. Next time he decides to publicly air dry his hemorrhoids say in a very loud voice to your mother, “Mom, does it bother you that dad is hung like a light switch?”

Love.

Poppy

email your questions to: justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Carol G, from St. Petersburg, Florida writes, “Dear Poppy, my husband and I just returned from vacation and my dog Amira is ignoring me. She doesn’t hold a grudge against my husband, just me. What should I do?”

Dear Carol, you have nothing to worry about unless your husband’s private area suddenly takes on the feint odor of Snausages™.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this: