The Answer Man
I am Poppy and I offer the best advice you never wanted. Email me a question at poppyadvice[at]gmail.com
Tag Archives: advice
Why?
Chad F. (aka “Da Silver Krackah”) from Minnetonka, Minnesota asks, “Yo Answerman, why should I listen to anything you have to say? I’m a man and you a damn dog. You should be listening to my ass bitch! Silver Krackah be keeping it real!”
Dear Chad, why should you listen to me? Because you are a douchebag.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Call
Arlene from Beaumont, Texas asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my boyfriend tells me he cares about me, but I only see him when he comes by my apartment late at night. My friends say I’m a “booty call”. What do you think?”
Dear Arelene, if he leaves an envelope with cash on your bed-side table, I would say you’re a “hooker”. If he just leaves, then I’d go with “booty call”.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Lingerie
Liz W. from Roanoke, Virgina asks, “Mr. Answerman, I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 5 months and he still has his ex-girlfriend’s lingerie in our bedroom closet. I told him “it’s got to go”, but he says I’m “over-reacting”. Thoughts?
Liz, “overreacting” is screaming at your boyfriend’s mother, “you are a skanky, ho-bag, sea donkey!”, because she greets him with a hug and kiss. I’d say if anything, living with someone else’s underwear in your closet means you have “low self-esteem” mixed with an unhealthy dollop of “abandonment issues” …or as I like to call it “The Stripper Complex”.
By the way, have you checked to see if the lingerie is your boyfriend’s size?
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Wise
Sofia N. from Waimea, Hawaii asks, “Mr. Answerman, how did you get so wise and insightful?”
Sofia, I don’t think of myself as wise or insightful. I prefer “God-lite”, but thanks for asking.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Cats
Bonnie W. from Danfield, Connecticut writes, “Dear Poppy, on the way home from work a cat ran out in front of my car and I hit him. I immediately pulled over to check on him, but he was dead and he didn’t have any tags so I couldn’t call the owners and let them know what happened. I feel horrible.”
Bonnie, I’m sorry you feel horrible, but you shouldn’t. Cat’s are assholes. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if the one you hit was actually commiting suicide.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Breakup
Betsy R. from Vicksburg, Mississippi writes, “Dear Mr. Answerman, I just moved in with my fiancé and I found this picture of him in the back of a drawer. When I asked him about it, he said he was in love with this “waifu” pillow a long time ago, but it’s over. He’s a super nice guy, but I’m having second thoughts about marrying him, what do you think?”
Betsy,
Question:
What is, flying to the Philippines and telling the customs agent, “I’ve got a kilo of heroin stuffed in my colon and I’m looking to party with some of them hairless boys.”
Answer:
A better decision than marrying the guy who once dated a pillow case.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Hard Choice
Kerrie W. from Hartford CT. asks, “Mr. Answerman, this is my boyfriend, Dave, and his dog. I love Dave and he loves me but I hate his dog and I’m pretty sure his dog hates me. Do this relationship have a future?
Dear Kerrie, let me break this down for you in a way that’s simple to understand:
Girlfriend Dog
Moody and unpredictable Always happy to see you.
Demands your undivided attention Always happy to see you.
Expects a lifelong commitment Always happy to see you.
Start working on that eHarmony page, you just got replaced by an animal that licks it’s own ball sack.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
The Answer Man 