Savanah H. from Duluth, Georgia asks, “Dear Answerman, I’m 43, divorced and just getting back into the dating pool. What’s the best way to attract men, cleavage or side boob?”
Dear Savanah, it is not your ample bosom that will entice your soul mate, but rather, the strength of your character, the depth of your inner beauty, and ultimately, your endless humanity…just kidding, side boob.
Howard W. from Jeffersonville, Indiana writes, “Answerman, I love sex, so my dream is to go into porn and get paid to bust nuts like a squirrel in an acorn patch! What you think? Peace. Out.”
Howard, the world needs people like you. People who follow their dreams. People who walk to a different drummer. People who will have sex on camera and contract genital warts just so strangers can watch and masturbate.
Never let that dream die Howard. Never let it die.
Chad F. (aka “Da Silver Krackah”) from Minnetonka, Minnesota asks, “Yo Answerman, why should I listen to anything you have to say? I’m a man and you a damn dog. You should be listening to my ass bitch! Silver Krackah be keeping it real!”
Dear Chad, why should you listen to me? Because you are a douchebag.
Arlene from Beaumont, Texas asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my boyfriend tells me he cares about me, but I only see him when he comes by my apartment late at night. My friends say I’m a “booty call”. What do you think?”
Dear Arelene, if he leaves an envelope with cash on your bed-side table, I would say you’re a “hooker”. If he just leaves, then I’d go with “booty call”.
Liz W. from Roanoke, Virgina asks, “Mr. Answerman, I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 5 months and he still has his ex-girlfriend’s lingerie in our bedroom closet. I told him “it’s got to go”, but he says I’m “over-reacting”. Thoughts?
Liz, “overreacting” is screaming at your boyfriend’s mother, “you are a skanky, ho-bag, sea donkey!”, because she greets him with a hug and kiss. I’d say if anything, living with someone else’s underwear in your closet means you have “low self-esteem” mixed with an unhealthy dollop of “abandonment issues” …or as I like to call it “The Stripper Complex”.
By the way, have you checked to see if the lingerie is your boyfriend’s size?
Bonnie W. from Danfield, Connecticut writes, “Dear Poppy, on the way home from work a cat ran out in front of my car and I hit him. I immediately pulled over to check on him, but he was dead and he didn’t have any tags so I couldn’t call the owners and let them know what happened. I feel horrible.”
Bonnie, I’m sorry you feel horrible, but you shouldn’t. Cat’s are assholes. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if the one you hit was actually commiting suicide.
Betsy R. from Vicksburg, Mississippi writes, “Dear Mr. Answerman, I just moved in with my fiancé and I found this picture of him in the back of a drawer. When I asked him about it, he said he was in love with this “waifu” pillow a long time ago, but it’s over. He’s a super nice guy, but I’m having second thoughts about marrying him, what do you think?”
Betsy,
Question:
What is, flying to the Philippines and telling the customs agent, “I’ve got a kilo of heroin stuffed in my colon and I’m looking to party with some of them hairless boys.”
Answer:
A better decision than marrying the guy who once dated a pillow case.
Kerrie W. from Hartford CT. asks, “Mr. Answerman, this is my boyfriend, Dave, and his dog. I love Dave and he loves me but I hate his dog and I’m pretty sure his dog hates me. Do this relationship have a future?
Dear Kerrie, let me break this down for you in a way that’s simple to understand:
GirlfriendDog
Moody and unpredictable Always happy to see you.
Demands your undivided attention Always happy to see you.
Expects a lifelong commitment Always happy to see you.
Start working on that eHarmony page, you just got replaced by an animal that licks it’s own ball sack.
The Answer Man 