wife | The Answer Man

Nov 20 2014

3 Comments

advice, advice column, Humor

Voyeur

John H. from Kokomo, Indiana asks, “Dear Answerman, my dog likes to sit at the end of the bed and watch my wife and I have sex, which freaks me out. But if I kick him out he just sits outside the bedroom door and cries, which makes it hard to get my happy-happy on. What should I do?”

Dear John, not to brag, but I once had sex in Time’s Square, with a fire truck screaming by and a homeless guy singing “Wrecking Ball” to a can of Schlitz three feet away….and I never broke stride. Maybe the problem isn’t your dog, but Mr. Happy-Happy.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, funny, girlfriend, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, penis, poppy, sarcastic, stupid, truth, wife

Jun 30 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Breakup

Betsy R. from Vicksburg, Mississippi writes, “Dear Mr. Answerman, I just moved in with my fiancé and I found this picture of him in the back of a drawer. When I asked him about it, he said he was in love with this “waifu” pillow a long time ago, but it’s over. He’s a super nice guy, but I’m having second thoughts about marrying him, what do you think?”

Betsy,

Question:

What is, flying to the Philippines and telling the customs agent, “I’ve got a kilo of heroin stuffed in my colon and I’m looking to party with some of them hairless boys.”

Answer:

A better decision than marrying the guy who once dated a pillow case.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, anime, boyfriend, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, fiancee, funny, girlfriend, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, Philippines, poppy, sarcastic, stupid, truth, waifu, waifu pillow, wife

Jun 07 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Spanked

Emma W. from Sparks, Nevada writes: “Dear Answerman, my daughter won’t spank my 9 year old grandson and he’s turning into a brat. Is it okay for me to spank him when he stays over?”

Dear Emma, only if you level the playing field by giving him a 30 second running head start and a taser gun.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, coporal punishment, dark comedy, dark humor, daughter, dog, dumb, funny, grandmother, grandson, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, poppy, punish, punishment, sarcastic, spank, stupid, taser gun, wife

Jun 03 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Wedding Gift

Sheryl V. from Covington, Kentucky writes: “Dear Answerman, my husband and I are traveling to my neice’s wedding at great expense. Are we still required to give a present?”

Sheryl, I understand how you’d want to block out the memory of your own wedding day. Not many women can claim they married the guy who proposed by saying, “I guess I need to buy the cow now that I had ass-sex with it.” But I’m sure all your “kin-folk”, even the ones who traveled at “great expense” brought you gifts (i.e. live chickens, motor oil and an IUD). Be a class act, get them a gift that doesn’t have a screw cap.

Love.

Poppy

email your questions to: justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, engaged, engagement, funny, gift, humor, love, marriage, married, poppy, present, sarcastic, stupid, wedding, wedding gift, wedding present, wife

May 29 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Naked.

Caren B, from Fort Wayne, Indiana writes: Dear Answerman, I’m 16 and my father says he has to walk around nude to dry his hemorrhoids. I’m disgusted, what should I do?

Caren, simple solution to your problem. Next time he decides to publicly air dry his hemorrhoids say in a very loud voice to your mother, “Mom, does it bother you that dad is hung like a light switch?”

Love.

Poppy

email your questions to: justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dad, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, father, funny, gift, hemorrhoids, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, naked, penis, poppy, present, sarcastic, small penis, truth, wife

May 29 2014

2 Comments

Humor

Ignored

Carol G, from St. Petersburg, Florida writes, “Dear Poppy, my husband and I just returned from vacation and my dog Amira is ignoring me. She doesn’t hold a grudge against my husband, just me. What should I do?”

Dear Carol, you have nothing to worry about unless your husband’s private area suddenly takes on the feint odor of Snausages™.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, funny, humor, husband, laugh, penis, poppy, sarcastic, truth, wife

May 28 2014

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Humor

The Bottom

Brian R. from Raleigh, North Carolina writes, “Mr. Answerman, I’m 42, obese, bald, have chronic halitosis, my wife left me, I got fired from my job and I got a DUI for parking my car in the neighbor’s pool. Have I hit rock bottom yet?”

Brian, I’m still trying to figure out how you got a wife and a job.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, bald, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, drunk, DUI, dumb, funny, humor, idiot, sarcastic, stupid, truth, wife

May 08 2014

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Humor

Vape

Ken B. from Spokane, Washington asks, “Dear Answerman, I smoke an e-cigarette, which doesn’t really put out smoke, but my wife doesn’t want me using it in the house, who’s right?”

Dear Ken, by all means, stick to your guns and alienate the only person who’s willing to sleep with you without a run to an ATM machine.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, cigarette, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, e-cigarette, funny, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, poppy, sarcastic, stupid, truth, vape, wife

May 01 2014

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Humor

Tattoo

Stacy K. from North Hollywood, California asks, “Poppy, my fiancee has each of his ex-wife’s names tattooed on his arms and he won’t get rid of them (there are two ex-wives). What should I do?”

Stacy, it’s not very often that you come across a man who hasn’t grasped the concept that marriage is temporary, but tattoos are forever…twice. If I were you I’d be happy that he wasn’t tattooed with the names of the people he infected with herpes. Good luck, looks like you’ve found yourself a keeper.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, break-up, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, ex-wife, funny, humor, laugh, love, poppy, sarcastic, stupid, tattoo, truth, wife

I am Poppy and I offer the best advice you never wanted. Email me a question at poppyadvice[at]gmail.com

Tag Archives: wife

John H. from Kokomo, Indiana asks, “Dear Answerman, my dog likes to sit at the end of the bed and watch my wife and I have sex, which freaks me out. But if I kick him out he just sits outside the bedroom door and cries, which makes it hard to get my happy-happy on. What should I do?”

Dear John, not to brag, but I once had sex in Time’s Square, with a fire truck screaming by and a homeless guy singing “Wrecking Ball” to a can of Schlitz three feet away….and I never broke stride. Maybe the problem isn’t your dog, but Mr. Happy-Happy.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Betsy,

Question:

What is, flying to the Philippines and telling the customs agent, “I’ve got a kilo of heroin stuffed in my colon and I’m looking to party with some of them hairless boys.”

Answer:

A better decision than marrying the guy who once dated a pillow case.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Emma W. from Sparks, Nevada writes: “Dear Answerman, my daughter won’t spank my 9 year old grandson and he’s turning into a brat. Is it okay for me to spank him when he stays over?”

Dear Emma, only if you level the playing field by giving him a 30 second running head start and a taser gun.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Sheryl V. from Covington, Kentucky writes: “Dear Answerman, my husband and I are traveling to my neice’s wedding at great expense. Are we still required to give a present?”

Love.

Poppy

email your questions to: justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Caren B, from Fort Wayne, Indiana writes: Dear Answerman, I’m 16 and my father says he has to walk around nude to dry his hemorrhoids. I’m disgusted, what should I do?

Caren, simple solution to your problem. Next time he decides to publicly air dry his hemorrhoids say in a very loud voice to your mother, “Mom, does it bother you that dad is hung like a light switch?”

Love.

Poppy

email your questions to: justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Carol G, from St. Petersburg, Florida writes, “Dear Poppy, my husband and I just returned from vacation and my dog Amira is ignoring me. She doesn’t hold a grudge against my husband, just me. What should I do?”

Dear Carol, you have nothing to worry about unless your husband’s private area suddenly takes on the feint odor of Snausages™.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Brian R. from Raleigh, North Carolina writes, “Mr. Answerman, I’m 42, obese, bald, have chronic halitosis, my wife left me, I got fired from my job and I got a DUI for parking my car in the neighbor’s pool. Have I hit rock bottom yet?”

Brian, I’m still trying to figure out how you got a wife and a job.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Ken B. from Spokane, Washington asks, “Dear Answerman, I smoke an e-cigarette, which doesn’t really put out smoke, but my wife doesn’t want me using it in the house, who’s right?”

Dear Ken, by all means, stick to your guns and alienate the only person who’s willing to sleep with you without a run to an ATM machine.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Stacy K. from North Hollywood, California asks, “Poppy, my fiancee has each of his ex-wife’s names tattooed on his arms and he won’t get rid of them (there are two ex-wives). What should I do?”

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this: