The Answer Man
I am Poppy and I offer the best advice you never wanted. Email me a question at poppyadvice[at]gmail.com
Tag Archives: penis
Unsung Heros
I wanted to take a break from offering advice and give a shout-out to the unsung inventions that make life, livable.
1) The Porto Potty Urinal.
Men are animals. They will pee on/in anything (including, but not limited to, glove compartments, refrigerator crisper drawers and unsuspecting hookers). Men are why the Porto Potty Urinal needed to be invented and is irrefutable proof that God, is a woman.
2) Air conditioning.
Huntsville Alabama, August 1924. Men wearing wool suits and hats. Women in granny panties. Oppressive humidity. No air conditioning. Unless you’re turned on by the smell of fried onions, I don’t know how people got past each other’s body odor long enough to procreate.
3) Frosty Paws by Purina.
Peanut butter flavored ice cream doesn’t make up for castrating the one living thing that is actually happy to see you…but it’s a beginning.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Voyeur
John H. from Kokomo, Indiana asks, “Dear Answerman, my dog likes to sit at the end of the bed and watch my wife and I have sex, which freaks me out. But if I kick him out he just sits outside the bedroom door and cries, which makes it hard to get my happy-happy on. What should I do?”
Dear John, not to brag, but I once had sex in Time’s Square, with a fire truck screaming by and a homeless guy singing “Wrecking Ball” to a can of Schlitz three feet away….and I never broke stride. Maybe the problem isn’t your dog, but Mr. Happy-Happy.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Choices
Savanah H. from Duluth, Georgia asks, “Dear Answerman, I’m 43, divorced and just getting back into the dating pool. What’s the best way to attract men, cleavage or side boob?”
Dear Savanah, it is not your ample bosom that will entice your soul mate, but rather, the strength of your character, the depth of your inner beauty, and ultimately, your endless humanity…just kidding, side boob.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
The Dream
Howard W. from Jeffersonville, Indiana writes, “Answerman, I love sex, so my dream is to go into porn and get paid to bust nuts like a squirrel in an acorn patch! What you think? Peace. Out.”
Howard, the world needs people like you. People who follow their dreams. People who walk to a different drummer. People who will have sex on camera and contract genital warts just so strangers can watch and masturbate.
Never let that dream die Howard. Never let it die.
Peace. Out.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Lingerie
Liz W. from Roanoke, Virgina asks, “Mr. Answerman, I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 5 months and he still has his ex-girlfriend’s lingerie in our bedroom closet. I told him “it’s got to go”, but he says I’m “over-reacting”. Thoughts?
Liz, “overreacting” is screaming at your boyfriend’s mother, “you are a skanky, ho-bag, sea donkey!”, because she greets him with a hug and kiss. I’d say if anything, living with someone else’s underwear in your closet means you have “low self-esteem” mixed with an unhealthy dollop of “abandonment issues” …or as I like to call it “The Stripper Complex”.
By the way, have you checked to see if the lingerie is your boyfriend’s size?
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
The Answer Man 