The Answer Man
I am Poppy and I offer the best advice you never wanted. Email me a question at poppyadvice[at]gmail.com
Tag Archives: loser
Voyeur
John H. from Kokomo, Indiana asks, “Dear Answerman, my dog likes to sit at the end of the bed and watch my wife and I have sex, which freaks me out. But if I kick him out he just sits outside the bedroom door and cries, which makes it hard to get my happy-happy on. What should I do?”
Dear John, not to brag, but I once had sex in Time’s Square, with a fire truck screaming by and a homeless guy singing “Wrecking Ball” to a can of Schlitz three feet away….and I never broke stride. Maybe the problem isn’t your dog, but Mr. Happy-Happy.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
The Dream
Howard W. from Jeffersonville, Indiana writes, “Answerman, I love sex, so my dream is to go into porn and get paid to bust nuts like a squirrel in an acorn patch! What you think? Peace. Out.”
Howard, the world needs people like you. People who follow their dreams. People who walk to a different drummer. People who will have sex on camera and contract genital warts just so strangers can watch and masturbate.
Never let that dream die Howard. Never let it die.
Peace. Out.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Why?
Chad F. (aka “Da Silver Krackah”) from Minnetonka, Minnesota asks, “Yo Answerman, why should I listen to anything you have to say? I’m a man and you a damn dog. You should be listening to my ass bitch! Silver Krackah be keeping it real!”
Dear Chad, why should you listen to me? Because you are a douchebag.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Call
Arlene from Beaumont, Texas asks, “Dear Mr. Answerman, my boyfriend tells me he cares about me, but I only see him when he comes by my apartment late at night. My friends say I’m a “booty call”. What do you think?”
Dear Arelene, if he leaves an envelope with cash on your bed-side table, I would say you’re a “hooker”. If he just leaves, then I’d go with “booty call”.
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Lingerie
Liz W. from Roanoke, Virgina asks, “Mr. Answerman, I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 5 months and he still has his ex-girlfriend’s lingerie in our bedroom closet. I told him “it’s got to go”, but he says I’m “over-reacting”. Thoughts?
Liz, “overreacting” is screaming at your boyfriend’s mother, “you are a skanky, ho-bag, sea donkey!”, because she greets him with a hug and kiss. I’d say if anything, living with someone else’s underwear in your closet means you have “low self-esteem” mixed with an unhealthy dollop of “abandonment issues” …or as I like to call it “The Stripper Complex”.
By the way, have you checked to see if the lingerie is your boyfriend’s size?
Love.
Poppy
justaskpoppy@icloud.com
Breakup
Betsy R. from Vicksburg, Mississippi writes, “Dear Mr. Answerman, I just moved in with my fiancé and I found this picture of him in the back of a drawer. When I asked him about it, he said he was in love with this “waifu” pillow a long time ago, but it’s over. He’s a super nice guy, but I’m having second thoughts about marrying him, what do you think?”
The Answer Man 