dumb | The Answer Man

Jul 10 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Lingerie

Liz W. from Roanoke, Virgina asks, “Mr. Answerman, I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 5 months and he still has his ex-girlfriend’s lingerie in our bedroom closet. I told him “it’s got to go”, but he says I’m “over-reacting”. Thoughts?

Liz, “overreacting” is screaming at your boyfriend’s mother, “you are a skanky, ho-bag, sea donkey!”, because she greets him with a hug and kiss. I’d say if anything, living with someone else’s underwear in your closet means you have “low self-esteem” mixed with an unhealthy dollop of “abandonment issues” …or as I like to call it “The Stripper Complex”.

By the way, have you checked to see if the lingerie is your boyfriend’s size?

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, Bill Gates, boyfriend, comedy, cross-dressing, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, ex-girlfriend, funny, girlfriend, idiot, jealous, laugh, lingerie, loser, love, penis, poppy, rich, sarcastic, stupid, truth, vibrator, wealthy

Jun 30 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Breakup

Betsy R. from Vicksburg, Mississippi writes, “Dear Mr. Answerman, I just moved in with my fiancé and I found this picture of him in the back of a drawer. When I asked him about it, he said he was in love with this “waifu” pillow a long time ago, but it’s over. He’s a super nice guy, but I’m having second thoughts about marrying him, what do you think?”

Betsy,

Question:

What is, flying to the Philippines and telling the customs agent, “I’ve got a kilo of heroin stuffed in my colon and I’m looking to party with some of them hairless boys.”

Answer:

A better decision than marrying the guy who once dated a pillow case.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, anime, boyfriend, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, fiancee, funny, girlfriend, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, Philippines, poppy, sarcastic, stupid, truth, waifu, waifu pillow, wife

Jun 26 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Hard Choice

Kerrie W. from Hartford CT. asks, “Mr. Answerman, this is my boyfriend, Dave, and his dog. I love Dave and he loves me but I hate his dog and I’m pretty sure his dog hates me. Do this relationship have a future?

Dear Kerrie, let me break this down for you in a way that’s simple to understand:

Girlfriend Dog

Moody and unpredictable Always happy to see you.

Demands your undivided attention Always happy to see you.

Expects a lifelong commitment Always happy to see you.

Start working on that eHarmony page, you just got replaced by an animal that licks it’s own ball sack.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, boyfriend, break-up, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, funny, girlfriend, humor, love, poppy, relationship, sarcastic, stupid, truth

Jun 07 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Spanked

Emma W. from Sparks, Nevada writes: “Dear Answerman, my daughter won’t spank my 9 year old grandson and he’s turning into a brat. Is it okay for me to spank him when he stays over?”

Dear Emma, only if you level the playing field by giving him a 30 second running head start and a taser gun.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, coporal punishment, dark comedy, dark humor, daughter, dog, dumb, funny, grandmother, grandson, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, poppy, punish, punishment, sarcastic, spank, stupid, taser gun, wife

May 29 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Naked.

Caren B, from Fort Wayne, Indiana writes: Dear Answerman, I’m 16 and my father says he has to walk around nude to dry his hemorrhoids. I’m disgusted, what should I do?

Caren, simple solution to your problem. Next time he decides to publicly air dry his hemorrhoids say in a very loud voice to your mother, “Mom, does it bother you that dad is hung like a light switch?”

Love.

Poppy

email your questions to: justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dad, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, father, funny, gift, hemorrhoids, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, naked, penis, poppy, present, sarcastic, small penis, truth, wife

May 28 2014

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Humor

The Bottom

Brian R. from Raleigh, North Carolina writes, “Mr. Answerman, I’m 42, obese, bald, have chronic halitosis, my wife left me, I got fired from my job and I got a DUI for parking my car in the neighbor’s pool. Have I hit rock bottom yet?”

Brian, I’m still trying to figure out how you got a wife and a job.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, bald, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, drunk, DUI, dumb, funny, humor, idiot, sarcastic, stupid, truth, wife

May 28 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Dad’s Girlfriend

Jeanie M, from Spokane, Washington writes, “Dear Poppy, my dad’s girlfriend is mean and gross and I hate her, should I tell him?”

Jeanie, think of yourself as a doctor, who needs to decide if she should tell a patient to remove a non-life threatening goiter, that has sex with him. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dad, dark comedy, dark humor, daughter, doctor, dog, dumb, father, funny, girlfriend, goiter, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, poppy, sarcastic, stupid, truth

May 08 2014

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Humor

What’s in a name?

Shelia C. of Kansas City, Kansas writes: “Poppy you call yourself “The Answer Man”, but Poppy is a girl’s name, what gives?

Shelia, you’ve got a penis tucked between your legs and wear size 14 espadrilles, what gives?

Love Poppy.

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, espadrilles, funny, humor, laugh, loser, penis, poppy, sarcastic

May 05 2014

2 Comments

Humor

Belly Button

Brenda M. from Mobile, Alabama asks, “Mr. Answerman, I’m 15 and want to get my belly button pierced, do you think I should?”

Brenda, don’t think of it as a belly-button ring, think of it as a step closer to your dream of a double-wide filled with “Rent-To-Own” furniture and a baby daddy who smells like motor oil and pork rinds. Sounds like a win-win to me.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, belly button, belly button ring, belly buttone pierce, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, funny, humor, laugh, mobile home, pierce, poppy, sarcastic, stupid, trailer trash, truth

May 01 2014

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Humor

Labs

Ira M. from Charlotte, North Carolina writes, “Dear Poppy, why do labradors like to chase things?”

Dear Ira, labradors and their ilk, have the unbridaled giddiness of Kathy Lee Gifford, the neediness of Lindsay Lohan and the I.Q. of a rock.

Blindly chasing things is their way of coping with the confusion of being dumb.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, funny, humor, labrador, labrador retreiver, laugh, poppy, retrieve, sarcastic, stupid, truth

I am Poppy and I offer the best advice you never wanted. Email me a question at poppyadvice[at]gmail.com

Tag Archives: dumb

Liz W. from Roanoke, Virgina asks, “Mr. Answerman, I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 5 months and he still has his ex-girlfriend’s lingerie in our bedroom closet. I told him “it’s got to go”, but he says I’m “over-reacting”. Thoughts?

By the way, have you checked to see if the lingerie is your boyfriend’s size?

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Betsy,

Question:

What is, flying to the Philippines and telling the customs agent, “I’ve got a kilo of heroin stuffed in my colon and I’m looking to party with some of them hairless boys.”

Answer:

A better decision than marrying the guy who once dated a pillow case.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Kerrie W. from Hartford CT. asks, “Mr. Answerman, this is my boyfriend, Dave, and his dog. I love Dave and he loves me but I hate his dog and I’m pretty sure his dog hates me. Do this relationship have a future?

Dear Kerrie, let me break this down for you in a way that’s simple to understand:

Girlfriend Dog

Moody and unpredictable Always happy to see you.

Demands your undivided attention Always happy to see you.

Expects a lifelong commitment Always happy to see you.

Start working on that eHarmony page, you just got replaced by an animal that licks it’s own ball sack.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Emma W. from Sparks, Nevada writes: “Dear Answerman, my daughter won’t spank my 9 year old grandson and he’s turning into a brat. Is it okay for me to spank him when he stays over?”

Dear Emma, only if you level the playing field by giving him a 30 second running head start and a taser gun.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Caren B, from Fort Wayne, Indiana writes: Dear Answerman, I’m 16 and my father says he has to walk around nude to dry his hemorrhoids. I’m disgusted, what should I do?

Caren, simple solution to your problem. Next time he decides to publicly air dry his hemorrhoids say in a very loud voice to your mother, “Mom, does it bother you that dad is hung like a light switch?”

Love.

Poppy

email your questions to: justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Brian R. from Raleigh, North Carolina writes, “Mr. Answerman, I’m 42, obese, bald, have chronic halitosis, my wife left me, I got fired from my job and I got a DUI for parking my car in the neighbor’s pool. Have I hit rock bottom yet?”

Brian, I’m still trying to figure out how you got a wife and a job.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Jeanie M, from Spokane, Washington writes, “Dear Poppy, my dad’s girlfriend is mean and gross and I hate her, should I tell him?”

Jeanie, think of yourself as a doctor, who needs to decide if she should tell a patient to remove a non-life threatening goiter, that has sex with him. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.

Share this:

Shelia C. of Kansas City, Kansas writes: “Poppy you call yourself “The Answer Man”, but Poppy is a girl’s name, what gives?

Shelia, you’ve got a penis tucked between your legs and wear size 14 espadrilles, what gives?

Love Poppy.

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Brenda M. from Mobile, Alabama asks, “Mr. Answerman, I’m 15 and want to get my belly button pierced, do you think I should?”

Brenda, don’t think of it as a belly-button ring, think of it as a step closer to your dream of a double-wide filled with “Rent-To-Own” furniture and a baby daddy who smells like motor oil and pork rinds. Sounds like a win-win to me.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Ira M. from Charlotte, North Carolina writes, “Dear Poppy, why do labradors like to chase things?”

Dear Ira, labradors and their ilk, have the unbridaled giddiness of Kathy Lee Gifford, the neediness of Lindsay Lohan and the I.Q. of a rock.

Blindly chasing things is their way of coping with the confusion of being dumb.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this: