Betsy R. from Vicksburg, Mississippi writes, “Dear Mr. Answerman, I just moved in with my fiancé and I found this picture of him in the back of a drawer. When I asked him about it, he said he was in love with this “waifu” pillow a long time ago, but it’s over. He’s a super nice guy, but I’m having second thoughts about marrying him, what do you think?”
Betsy,
Question:
What is, flying to the Philippines and telling the customs agent, “I’ve got a kilo of heroin stuffed in my colon and I’m looking to party with some of them hairless boys.”
Answer:
A better decision than marrying the guy who once dated a pillow case.
Kerrie W. from Hartford CT. asks, “Mr. Answerman, this is my boyfriend, Dave, and his dog. I love Dave and he loves me but I hate his dog and I’m pretty sure his dog hates me. Do this relationship have a future?
Dear Kerrie, let me break this down for you in a way that’s simple to understand:
GirlfriendDog
Moody and unpredictable Always happy to see you.
Demands your undivided attention Always happy to see you.
Expects a lifelong commitment Always happy to see you.
Start working on that eHarmony page, you just got replaced by an animal that licks it’s own ball sack.
Emma W. from Sparks, Nevada writes: “Dear Answerman, my daughter won’t spank my 9 year old grandson and he’s turning into a brat. Is it okay for me to spank him when he stays over?”
Dear Emma, only if you level the playing field by giving him a 30 second running head start and a taser gun.
Sheryl V. from Covington, Kentucky writes: “Dear Answerman, my husband and I are traveling to my neice’s wedding at great expense. Are we still required to give a present?”
Sheryl, I understand how you’d want to block out the memory of your own wedding day. Not many women can claim they married the guy who proposed by saying, “I guess I need to buy the cow now that I had ass-sex with it.” But I’m sure all your “kin-folk”, even the ones who traveled at “great expense” brought you gifts (i.e. live chickens, motor oil and an IUD). Be a class act, get them a gift that doesn’t have a screw cap.
Caren B, from Fort Wayne, Indiana writes: Dear Answerman, I’m 16 and my father says he has to walk around nude to dry his hemorrhoids. I’m disgusted, what should I do?
Caren, simple solution to your problem. Next time he decides to publicly air dry his hemorrhoids say in a very loud voice to your mother, “Mom, does it bother you that dad is hung like a light switch?”
Carol G, from St. Petersburg, Florida writes, “Dear Poppy, my husband and I just returned from vacation and my dog Amira is ignoring me. She doesn’t hold a grudge against my husband, just me. What should I do?”
Dear Carol, you have nothing to worry about unless your husband’s private area suddenly takes on the feint odor of Snausages™.
Brian R. from Raleigh, North Carolina writes, “Mr. Answerman, I’m 42, obese, bald, have chronic halitosis, my wife left me, I got fired from my job and I got a DUI for parking my car in the neighbor’s pool. Have I hit rock bottom yet?”
Brian, I’m still trying to figure out how you got a wife and a job.
Jeanie M, from Spokane, Washington writes, “Dear Poppy, my dad’s girlfriend is mean and gross and I hate her, should I tell him?”
Jeanie, think of yourself as a doctor, who needs to decide if she should tell a patient to remove a non-life threatening goiter, that has sex with him. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.
The Answer Man 