Emma W. from Sparks, Nevada writes: “Dear Answerman, my daughter won’t spank my 9 year old grandson and he’s turning into a brat. Is it okay for me to spank him when he stays over?”
Dear Emma, only if you level the playing field by giving him a 30 second running head start and a taser gun.
Sheryl V. from Covington, Kentucky writes: “Dear Answerman, my husband and I are traveling to my neice’s wedding at great expense. Are we still required to give a present?”
Sheryl, I understand how you’d want to block out the memory of your own wedding day. Not many women can claim they married the guy who proposed by saying, “I guess I need to buy the cow now that I had ass-sex with it.” But I’m sure all your “kin-folk”, even the ones who traveled at “great expense” brought you gifts (i.e. live chickens, motor oil and an IUD). Be a class act, get them a gift that doesn’t have a screw cap.
Caren B, from Fort Wayne, Indiana writes: Dear Answerman, I’m 16 and my father says he has to walk around nude to dry his hemorrhoids. I’m disgusted, what should I do?
Caren, simple solution to your problem. Next time he decides to publicly air dry his hemorrhoids say in a very loud voice to your mother, “Mom, does it bother you that dad is hung like a light switch?”
Jeanie M, from Spokane, Washington writes, “Dear Poppy, my dad’s girlfriend is mean and gross and I hate her, should I tell him?”
Jeanie, think of yourself as a doctor, who needs to decide if she should tell a patient to remove a non-life threatening goiter, that has sex with him. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.
Sharie Z from Wilmington, Deleware asks, “Poppy, my mother said I should be looking for a husband in college, but I think I should be playing the field. What do you think?”
Shari, definetly make a promise that you’ll have sex with the same man, for the rest of your life, by age 21. I’m not sure if you know this, but your mother is an idiot.
Dan E. of Houston, Texas writes: “Dear Poppy, I think I like mayonaise too much, how do I stop eating it?”
Daniel, stop thinking of mayonnaise as a tasty condiment, but rather a giant jar of bull semen. Of course if you’re into bull semen too, I’m not sure I can help you.
Tom Anderson of Cleveland Ohio writes: “Dear Answer Man, why don’t dogs have to wipe their butts?”
Tom, just because you don’t see it happen, doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened. Take a peek under your bed and it’s gonna look like someone dragged a chocolate easter bunny across that discount wall to wall carpeting you just installed (spoiler alert, that’s not chocolate.)
The Answer Man 