comedy | The Answer Man

May 28 2014

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Humor

Love Conquers

Clive L, from Bay Head, New Jersey asks, “Mr. Answerman, do you believe love conquers all?”

Yes, but only if you’re rich and hung like Secretariat.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, funny, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, poppy, sarcastic, stupid, truth

May 28 2014

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Humor

The Bottom

Brian R. from Raleigh, North Carolina writes, “Mr. Answerman, I’m 42, obese, bald, have chronic halitosis, my wife left me, I got fired from my job and I got a DUI for parking my car in the neighbor’s pool. Have I hit rock bottom yet?”

Brian, I’m still trying to figure out how you got a wife and a job.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, bald, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, drunk, DUI, dumb, funny, humor, idiot, sarcastic, stupid, truth, wife

May 28 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Dad’s Girlfriend

Jeanie M, from Spokane, Washington writes, “Dear Poppy, my dad’s girlfriend is mean and gross and I hate her, should I tell him?”

Jeanie, think of yourself as a doctor, who needs to decide if she should tell a patient to remove a non-life threatening goiter, that has sex with him. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dad, dark comedy, dark humor, daughter, doctor, dog, dumb, father, funny, girlfriend, goiter, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, poppy, sarcastic, stupid, truth

May 14 2014

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Humor

Workout

Ianthe M. from Topanga, California asks: Dear Poppy, “Can you do anything about women walking around in tight workout clothes?”

Ianthe, I could, but why? We all like to feel superior, and it’s much easier when you’ve got this trolling the Entenmann’s section at Wal Mart.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, cake, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, fat women, funny, humor, laugh, poppy, sarcastic, workout, workout clothes

May 08 2014

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Humor

Stare

Colleen S. from Pine Bluff, Arkansas writes, “Dear Answerman, is staring at other women a ‘guy thing’? My boyfriend does it all the time and says it’s normal.”

Colleen, it depends on how you define, “staring”. If by “staring” you mean a quick glance as someone walks by, then I would say, normal.

If by “staring” you mean this:

Then I would suggest a quick break up in a public place and a restraining order.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Click the “FOLLOW” link for GOOD LUCK…which in my world means you’ll wake up to find everything is made of bacon and that Garfield cat is living in a garage doing low rent porn.

Tagged advice, advice column, boyfriend, comedy, creepy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, funny, humor, laugh, poppy, sarcastic, stare

May 08 2014

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Humor

Wish

Bart G. from Peekskill, New York asks, “Poppy, does it bother you that humans are superior?”

Bart, you and I aren’t that different. We both like bacon, sleeping late and dry humping the Comcast guy (only you got arrested for doing it).

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, bacon, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, funny, human, idiot, laugh, loser, poppy, sarcastic, superior

May 08 2014

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Humor

What’s in a name?

Shelia C. of Kansas City, Kansas writes: “Poppy you call yourself “The Answer Man”, but Poppy is a girl’s name, what gives?

Shelia, you’ve got a penis tucked between your legs and wear size 14 espadrilles, what gives?

Love Poppy.

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, espadrilles, funny, humor, laugh, loser, penis, poppy, sarcastic

May 08 2014

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Humor

Vape

Ken B. from Spokane, Washington asks, “Dear Answerman, I smoke an e-cigarette, which doesn’t really put out smoke, but my wife doesn’t want me using it in the house, who’s right?”

Dear Ken, by all means, stick to your guns and alienate the only person who’s willing to sleep with you without a run to an ATM machine.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, cigarette, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, e-cigarette, funny, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, poppy, sarcastic, stupid, truth, vape, wife

May 06 2014

1 Comment

Humor

Go For It.

Bernie always dreamed of being a proctologist.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, butt, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dog butt, funny, humor, laugh, poppy, proctologist, sarcastic

May 05 2014

2 Comments

Humor

Belly Button

Brenda M. from Mobile, Alabama asks, “Mr. Answerman, I’m 15 and want to get my belly button pierced, do you think I should?”

Brenda, don’t think of it as a belly-button ring, think of it as a step closer to your dream of a double-wide filled with “Rent-To-Own” furniture and a baby daddy who smells like motor oil and pork rinds. Sounds like a win-win to me.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, belly button, belly button ring, belly buttone pierce, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, funny, humor, laugh, mobile home, pierce, poppy, sarcastic, stupid, trailer trash, truth

I am Poppy and I offer the best advice you never wanted. Email me a question at poppyadvice[at]gmail.com

Tag Archives: comedy

Clive L, from Bay Head, New Jersey asks, “Mr. Answerman, do you believe love conquers all?”

Yes, but only if you’re rich and hung like Secretariat.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Brian R. from Raleigh, North Carolina writes, “Mr. Answerman, I’m 42, obese, bald, have chronic halitosis, my wife left me, I got fired from my job and I got a DUI for parking my car in the neighbor’s pool. Have I hit rock bottom yet?”

Brian, I’m still trying to figure out how you got a wife and a job.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Jeanie M, from Spokane, Washington writes, “Dear Poppy, my dad’s girlfriend is mean and gross and I hate her, should I tell him?”

Jeanie, think of yourself as a doctor, who needs to decide if she should tell a patient to remove a non-life threatening goiter, that has sex with him. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.

Share this:

Ianthe M. from Topanga, California asks: Dear Poppy, “Can you do anything about women walking around in tight workout clothes?”

Ianthe, I could, but why? We all like to feel superior, and it’s much easier when you’ve got this trolling the Entenmann’s section at Wal Mart.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Colleen S. from Pine Bluff, Arkansas writes, “Dear Answerman, is staring at other women a ‘guy thing’? My boyfriend does it all the time and says it’s normal.”

Colleen, it depends on how you define, “staring”. If by “staring” you mean a quick glance as someone walks by, then I would say, normal.

If by “staring” you mean this:

Then I would suggest a quick break up in a public place and a restraining order.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Click the “FOLLOW” link for GOOD LUCK…which in my world means you’ll wake up to find everything is made of bacon and that Garfield cat is living in a garage doing low rent porn.

Share this:

Bart G. from Peekskill, New York asks, “Poppy, does it bother you that humans are superior?”

Bart, you and I aren’t that different. We both like bacon, sleeping late and dry humping the Comcast guy (only you got arrested for doing it).

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Shelia C. of Kansas City, Kansas writes: “Poppy you call yourself “The Answer Man”, but Poppy is a girl’s name, what gives?

Shelia, you’ve got a penis tucked between your legs and wear size 14 espadrilles, what gives?

Love Poppy.

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Ken B. from Spokane, Washington asks, “Dear Answerman, I smoke an e-cigarette, which doesn’t really put out smoke, but my wife doesn’t want me using it in the house, who’s right?”

Dear Ken, by all means, stick to your guns and alienate the only person who’s willing to sleep with you without a run to an ATM machine.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Bernie always dreamed of being a proctologist.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Brenda M. from Mobile, Alabama asks, “Mr. Answerman, I’m 15 and want to get my belly button pierced, do you think I should?”

Brenda, don’t think of it as a belly-button ring, think of it as a step closer to your dream of a double-wide filled with “Rent-To-Own” furniture and a baby daddy who smells like motor oil and pork rinds. Sounds like a win-win to me.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this: