advice | The Answer Man

Jun 03 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Wedding Gift

Sheryl V. from Covington, Kentucky writes: “Dear Answerman, my husband and I are traveling to my neice’s wedding at great expense. Are we still required to give a present?”

Sheryl, I understand how you’d want to block out the memory of your own wedding day. Not many women can claim they married the guy who proposed by saying, “I guess I need to buy the cow now that I had ass-sex with it.” But I’m sure all your “kin-folk”, even the ones who traveled at “great expense” brought you gifts (i.e. live chickens, motor oil and an IUD). Be a class act, get them a gift that doesn’t have a screw cap.

Love.

Poppy

email your questions to: justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, engaged, engagement, funny, gift, humor, love, marriage, married, poppy, present, sarcastic, stupid, wedding, wedding gift, wedding present, wife

May 29 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Naked.

Caren B, from Fort Wayne, Indiana writes: Dear Answerman, I’m 16 and my father says he has to walk around nude to dry his hemorrhoids. I’m disgusted, what should I do?

Caren, simple solution to your problem. Next time he decides to publicly air dry his hemorrhoids say in a very loud voice to your mother, “Mom, does it bother you that dad is hung like a light switch?”

Love.

Poppy

email your questions to: justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dad, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, father, funny, gift, hemorrhoids, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, naked, penis, poppy, present, sarcastic, small penis, truth, wife

May 29 2014

2 Comments

Humor

Ignored

Carol G, from St. Petersburg, Florida writes, “Dear Poppy, my husband and I just returned from vacation and my dog Amira is ignoring me. She doesn’t hold a grudge against my husband, just me. What should I do?”

Dear Carol, you have nothing to worry about unless your husband’s private area suddenly takes on the feint odor of Snausages™.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, funny, humor, husband, laugh, penis, poppy, sarcastic, truth, wife

May 28 2014

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Humor

Love Conquers

Clive L, from Bay Head, New Jersey asks, “Mr. Answerman, do you believe love conquers all?”

Yes, but only if you’re rich and hung like Secretariat.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, funny, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, poppy, sarcastic, stupid, truth

May 28 2014

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Humor

The Bottom

Brian R. from Raleigh, North Carolina writes, “Mr. Answerman, I’m 42, obese, bald, have chronic halitosis, my wife left me, I got fired from my job and I got a DUI for parking my car in the neighbor’s pool. Have I hit rock bottom yet?”

Brian, I’m still trying to figure out how you got a wife and a job.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, bald, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, drunk, DUI, dumb, funny, humor, idiot, sarcastic, stupid, truth, wife

May 28 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Dad’s Girlfriend

Jeanie M, from Spokane, Washington writes, “Dear Poppy, my dad’s girlfriend is mean and gross and I hate her, should I tell him?”

Jeanie, think of yourself as a doctor, who needs to decide if she should tell a patient to remove a non-life threatening goiter, that has sex with him. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dad, dark comedy, dark humor, daughter, doctor, dog, dumb, father, funny, girlfriend, goiter, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, poppy, sarcastic, stupid, truth

May 14 2014

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Humor

Workout

Ianthe M. from Topanga, California asks: Dear Poppy, “Can you do anything about women walking around in tight workout clothes?”

Ianthe, I could, but why? We all like to feel superior, and it’s much easier when you’ve got this trolling the Entenmann’s section at Wal Mart.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, cake, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, fat women, funny, humor, laugh, poppy, sarcastic, workout, workout clothes

May 08 2014

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Humor

Stare

Colleen S. from Pine Bluff, Arkansas writes, “Dear Answerman, is staring at other women a ‘guy thing’? My boyfriend does it all the time and says it’s normal.”

Colleen, it depends on how you define, “staring”. If by “staring” you mean a quick glance as someone walks by, then I would say, normal.

If by “staring” you mean this:

Then I would suggest a quick break up in a public place and a restraining order.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Click the “FOLLOW” link for GOOD LUCK…which in my world means you’ll wake up to find everything is made of bacon and that Garfield cat is living in a garage doing low rent porn.

Tagged advice, advice column, boyfriend, comedy, creepy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, funny, humor, laugh, poppy, sarcastic, stare

May 08 2014

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Humor

Wish

Bart G. from Peekskill, New York asks, “Poppy, does it bother you that humans are superior?”

Bart, you and I aren’t that different. We both like bacon, sleeping late and dry humping the Comcast guy (only you got arrested for doing it).

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, bacon, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, funny, human, idiot, laugh, loser, poppy, sarcastic, superior

May 08 2014

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Humor

What’s in a name?

Shelia C. of Kansas City, Kansas writes: “Poppy you call yourself “The Answer Man”, but Poppy is a girl’s name, what gives?

Shelia, you’ve got a penis tucked between your legs and wear size 14 espadrilles, what gives?

Love Poppy.

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, espadrilles, funny, humor, laugh, loser, penis, poppy, sarcastic

I am Poppy and I offer the best advice you never wanted. Email me a question at poppyadvice[at]gmail.com

Tag Archives: advice

Sheryl V. from Covington, Kentucky writes: “Dear Answerman, my husband and I are traveling to my neice’s wedding at great expense. Are we still required to give a present?”

Love.

Poppy

email your questions to: justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Caren B, from Fort Wayne, Indiana writes: Dear Answerman, I’m 16 and my father says he has to walk around nude to dry his hemorrhoids. I’m disgusted, what should I do?

Caren, simple solution to your problem. Next time he decides to publicly air dry his hemorrhoids say in a very loud voice to your mother, “Mom, does it bother you that dad is hung like a light switch?”

Love.

Poppy

email your questions to: justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Carol G, from St. Petersburg, Florida writes, “Dear Poppy, my husband and I just returned from vacation and my dog Amira is ignoring me. She doesn’t hold a grudge against my husband, just me. What should I do?”

Dear Carol, you have nothing to worry about unless your husband’s private area suddenly takes on the feint odor of Snausages™.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Clive L, from Bay Head, New Jersey asks, “Mr. Answerman, do you believe love conquers all?”

Yes, but only if you’re rich and hung like Secretariat.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Brian R. from Raleigh, North Carolina writes, “Mr. Answerman, I’m 42, obese, bald, have chronic halitosis, my wife left me, I got fired from my job and I got a DUI for parking my car in the neighbor’s pool. Have I hit rock bottom yet?”

Brian, I’m still trying to figure out how you got a wife and a job.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Jeanie M, from Spokane, Washington writes, “Dear Poppy, my dad’s girlfriend is mean and gross and I hate her, should I tell him?”

Jeanie, think of yourself as a doctor, who needs to decide if she should tell a patient to remove a non-life threatening goiter, that has sex with him. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.

Share this:

Ianthe M. from Topanga, California asks: Dear Poppy, “Can you do anything about women walking around in tight workout clothes?”

Ianthe, I could, but why? We all like to feel superior, and it’s much easier when you’ve got this trolling the Entenmann’s section at Wal Mart.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Colleen S. from Pine Bluff, Arkansas writes, “Dear Answerman, is staring at other women a ‘guy thing’? My boyfriend does it all the time and says it’s normal.”

Colleen, it depends on how you define, “staring”. If by “staring” you mean a quick glance as someone walks by, then I would say, normal.

If by “staring” you mean this:

Then I would suggest a quick break up in a public place and a restraining order.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Click the “FOLLOW” link for GOOD LUCK…which in my world means you’ll wake up to find everything is made of bacon and that Garfield cat is living in a garage doing low rent porn.

Share this:

Bart G. from Peekskill, New York asks, “Poppy, does it bother you that humans are superior?”

Bart, you and I aren’t that different. We both like bacon, sleeping late and dry humping the Comcast guy (only you got arrested for doing it).

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Shelia C. of Kansas City, Kansas writes: “Poppy you call yourself “The Answer Man”, but Poppy is a girl’s name, what gives?

Shelia, you’ve got a penis tucked between your legs and wear size 14 espadrilles, what gives?

Love Poppy.

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this: