idiot | The Answer Man

Jul 05 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Cats

Bonnie W. from Danfield, Connecticut writes, “Dear Poppy, on the way home from work a cat ran out in front of my car and I hit him. I immediately pulled over to check on him, but he was dead and he didn’t have any tags so I couldn’t call the owners and let them know what happened. I feel horrible.”

Bonnie, I’m sorry you feel horrible, but you shouldn’t. Cat’s are assholes. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if the one you hit was actually commiting suicide.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, asshole, assholes, cat, cats, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dead, death, funny, guilt, guilty, humor, idiot, killed, laugh, run over, sarcastic, truth

Jun 30 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Breakup

Betsy R. from Vicksburg, Mississippi writes, “Dear Mr. Answerman, I just moved in with my fiancé and I found this picture of him in the back of a drawer. When I asked him about it, he said he was in love with this “waifu” pillow a long time ago, but it’s over. He’s a super nice guy, but I’m having second thoughts about marrying him, what do you think?”

Betsy,

Question:

What is, flying to the Philippines and telling the customs agent, “I’ve got a kilo of heroin stuffed in my colon and I’m looking to party with some of them hairless boys.”

Answer:

A better decision than marrying the guy who once dated a pillow case.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, anime, boyfriend, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, fiancee, funny, girlfriend, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, Philippines, poppy, sarcastic, stupid, truth, waifu, waifu pillow, wife

Jun 07 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Spanked

Emma W. from Sparks, Nevada writes: “Dear Answerman, my daughter won’t spank my 9 year old grandson and he’s turning into a brat. Is it okay for me to spank him when he stays over?”

Dear Emma, only if you level the playing field by giving him a 30 second running head start and a taser gun.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, coporal punishment, dark comedy, dark humor, daughter, dog, dumb, funny, grandmother, grandson, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, poppy, punish, punishment, sarcastic, spank, stupid, taser gun, wife

May 31 2014

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Humor

Big Bird

No one asked, but if Big Bird pimped Miss Piggy, this is how he would dress.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged big bird, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, funny, humor, idiot, miss piggy, muppets, pimp, poppy, sarcastic, truth

May 29 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Naked.

Caren B, from Fort Wayne, Indiana writes: Dear Answerman, I’m 16 and my father says he has to walk around nude to dry his hemorrhoids. I’m disgusted, what should I do?

Caren, simple solution to your problem. Next time he decides to publicly air dry his hemorrhoids say in a very loud voice to your mother, “Mom, does it bother you that dad is hung like a light switch?”

Love.

Poppy

email your questions to: justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dad, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, dumb, father, funny, gift, hemorrhoids, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, naked, penis, poppy, present, sarcastic, small penis, truth, wife

May 28 2014

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Humor

Love Conquers

Clive L, from Bay Head, New Jersey asks, “Mr. Answerman, do you believe love conquers all?”

Yes, but only if you’re rich and hung like Secretariat.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, funny, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, poppy, sarcastic, stupid, truth

May 28 2014

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Humor

The Bottom

Brian R. from Raleigh, North Carolina writes, “Mr. Answerman, I’m 42, obese, bald, have chronic halitosis, my wife left me, I got fired from my job and I got a DUI for parking my car in the neighbor’s pool. Have I hit rock bottom yet?”

Brian, I’m still trying to figure out how you got a wife and a job.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, bald, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, drunk, DUI, dumb, funny, humor, idiot, sarcastic, stupid, truth, wife

May 28 2014

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advice, advice column, Humor

Dad’s Girlfriend

Jeanie M, from Spokane, Washington writes, “Dear Poppy, my dad’s girlfriend is mean and gross and I hate her, should I tell him?”

Jeanie, think of yourself as a doctor, who needs to decide if she should tell a patient to remove a non-life threatening goiter, that has sex with him. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.

Tagged advice, advice column, comedy, dad, dark comedy, dark humor, daughter, doctor, dog, dumb, father, funny, girlfriend, goiter, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, love, poppy, sarcastic, stupid, truth

May 08 2014

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Humor

Wish

Bart G. from Peekskill, New York asks, “Poppy, does it bother you that humans are superior?”

Bart, you and I aren’t that different. We both like bacon, sleeping late and dry humping the Comcast guy (only you got arrested for doing it).

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, bacon, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, funny, human, idiot, laugh, loser, poppy, sarcastic, superior

May 08 2014

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Humor

Vape

Ken B. from Spokane, Washington asks, “Dear Answerman, I smoke an e-cigarette, which doesn’t really put out smoke, but my wife doesn’t want me using it in the house, who’s right?”

Dear Ken, by all means, stick to your guns and alienate the only person who’s willing to sleep with you without a run to an ATM machine.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Tagged advice, advice column, cigarette, comedy, dark comedy, dark humor, dog, e-cigarette, funny, humor, idiot, laugh, loser, poppy, sarcastic, stupid, truth, vape, wife

I am Poppy and I offer the best advice you never wanted. Email me a question at poppyadvice[at]gmail.com

Tag Archives: idiot

Bonnie, I’m sorry you feel horrible, but you shouldn’t. Cat’s are assholes. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if the one you hit was actually commiting suicide.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

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Betsy,

Question:

What is, flying to the Philippines and telling the customs agent, “I’ve got a kilo of heroin stuffed in my colon and I’m looking to party with some of them hairless boys.”

Answer:

A better decision than marrying the guy who once dated a pillow case.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Emma W. from Sparks, Nevada writes: “Dear Answerman, my daughter won’t spank my 9 year old grandson and he’s turning into a brat. Is it okay for me to spank him when he stays over?”

Dear Emma, only if you level the playing field by giving him a 30 second running head start and a taser gun.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

No one asked, but if Big Bird pimped Miss Piggy, this is how he would dress.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Caren B, from Fort Wayne, Indiana writes: Dear Answerman, I’m 16 and my father says he has to walk around nude to dry his hemorrhoids. I’m disgusted, what should I do?

Caren, simple solution to your problem. Next time he decides to publicly air dry his hemorrhoids say in a very loud voice to your mother, “Mom, does it bother you that dad is hung like a light switch?”

Love.

Poppy

email your questions to: justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Clive L, from Bay Head, New Jersey asks, “Mr. Answerman, do you believe love conquers all?”

Yes, but only if you’re rich and hung like Secretariat.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Brian R. from Raleigh, North Carolina writes, “Mr. Answerman, I’m 42, obese, bald, have chronic halitosis, my wife left me, I got fired from my job and I got a DUI for parking my car in the neighbor’s pool. Have I hit rock bottom yet?”

Brian, I’m still trying to figure out how you got a wife and a job.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Jeanie M, from Spokane, Washington writes, “Dear Poppy, my dad’s girlfriend is mean and gross and I hate her, should I tell him?”

Jeanie, think of yourself as a doctor, who needs to decide if she should tell a patient to remove a non-life threatening goiter, that has sex with him. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.

Share this:

Bart G. from Peekskill, New York asks, “Poppy, does it bother you that humans are superior?”

Bart, you and I aren’t that different. We both like bacon, sleeping late and dry humping the Comcast guy (only you got arrested for doing it).

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this:

Ken B. from Spokane, Washington asks, “Dear Answerman, I smoke an e-cigarette, which doesn’t really put out smoke, but my wife doesn’t want me using it in the house, who’s right?”

Dear Ken, by all means, stick to your guns and alienate the only person who’s willing to sleep with you without a run to an ATM machine.

Love.

Poppy

justaskpoppy@icloud.com

Share this: