Pete E. from Ann Arbor, Michigan asks: “My girlfriend is cheating on me, what should I do?”
Pete, did you really ask, “what should I do?”
Here’s an idea, hit one of those websites dedicated to women looking for men who have “mommy” issues. Good luck, I’m sure you’ll have no trouble finding someone to escort you to Cher concerts.
Shawn M. from Biloxi, Mississippi askes, “Poppy, have you ever been in love?”
Yes, a Chow Chow named Koontz. She’s got everything I like in my bitches. A little meat on the bones, extra fur where you need it and an ass that smells like rotisserie chicken.
Sharie Z from Wilmington, Deleware asks, “Poppy, my mother said I should be looking for a husband in college, but I think I should be playing the field. What do you think?”
Shari, definetly make a promise that you’ll have sex with the same man, for the rest of your life, by age 21. I’m not sure if you know this, but your mother is an idiot.
Dan E. of Houston, Texas writes: “Dear Poppy, I think I like mayonaise too much, how do I stop eating it?”
Daniel, stop thinking of mayonnaise as a tasty condiment, but rather a giant jar of bull semen. Of course if you’re into bull semen too, I’m not sure I can help you.
Tom Anderson of Cleveland Ohio writes: “Dear Answer Man, why don’t dogs have to wipe their butts?”
Tom, just because you don’t see it happen, doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened. Take a peek under your bed and it’s gonna look like someone dragged a chocolate easter bunny across that discount wall to wall carpeting you just installed (spoiler alert, that’s not chocolate.)
The Answer Man 